Stressor -> Avoidance -> Breakdown -> Emotional deadening. 

I'm going nuts.

I feel empty. Devoid of all emotion. Not even numb, or dissociated, just...emotionless. Empty.
Restless.

I haven't been sleeping well. I'm finding myself sleeping less hours, waking up more, and sleeping more restlessly when I do.
My eating has been shit [I recognize that I haven't been eating enough lately, because honestly nothing is at all appetizing, and I've binged/purged].
Auditory and peripheral hallucinations have been pretty bad.
I drank half an energy drink on an empty stomach because I needed the energy to clean, and I ended up having such bad paranoia that I had to leave the house. Usually I get anxiety, but not that badly.

I'm also being so fucking impulsive and self-destructive. At the barn today I grabbed a hammer and bruised my arm to shit [It's only been half a day and it's already turning purple] without thinking, just because I saw it and no one was around. I stole a roll of vetrap 'just in case' and I don't even know why. [Even though it was an extra roll, I feel incredibly guilty for this.] I'm craving alcohol and weed despite the fact that I don't toke and I DON'T drink - I just want something to fill the space. I nearly knicked a vein cutting the other day.

I keep wanting to talk to people, but as soon as I have the chance, I have no motivation to chat and have nothing to say. I want to spend time with people, but as soon as I'm with them, I just want to leave.
If I'm doing anything, I just want to be home alone, but when I'm home alone I get so bored and restless, no matter what activities I have to do.

I can't settle.

I refuse to be self-aware because I know what the main problems are [from my couple weeks of complete breakdown] and they're not ones that can be fixed at this point in time. I'd rather push them away and just not care.

All of this said, I don't even feel bad, for the most part. I'm not sad, overly self-hating, overly anxious, or anything. I'm not entirely sure I'm here.

I feel fucking batshit insane. I've been through this all before, I know how it works, but still. 

Oh, and I'm also convinced that basically everyone hates/dislikes/is annoyed by me, and on the off chance they don't, they'll still leave me anyways, due to life.

For those of you that feel the need to follow more than the occasional blog post, my tumblr is http://kucala.tumblr.com/

I feel...itchy.
Something's been nagging at me all day and I don't know what. I'm restless. Anxious.
I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin right now. It feels confining. I keep feeling the constant need to streeeetch but no matter how much I do, the feeling persists.
I have cravings for unknown things that I more than likely can't have.
I miss mah lover. She should be here. Fuck distance.

ADFIOJFJDFP'OGJDAFP'GOKDFG. My computer failed and I couldn't get on my blog from my ipod.
So much has changed and happened since I've last posted. I've gotten back to feeling like complete and utter shit. Lee [love, let me know if you still want to go by Ari on here] and I are officially going out. I'm feeling better. I've had some moments of feeling actually okay. I'm still stressed. I've reached a comfortable and healthy [well, as healthy as you can get, lol] level with my self-harm and it's on the bottom of my priorities list for stopping.
Things are up and down, but they're getting better.
Love.<3

Here are entries from recently [saved onto ipod notes due to a lack of a blog]

June 2nd; 3:19pm

I'm okay.

It feels so weird to say that and mean it. Even more so to feel it. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but for now, I’m going to enjoy it despite the slight guilt that I feel for feeling/saying/enjoying it.
I still see my body. I still see all my flaws, imperfections. And I don’t love it. But I don’t hate it for once, either. I don’t feel like I’m being swallowed by my imperfections, for once. I’m…I’m okay with it. It just is, I just am, and that’s alright.
I haven’t felt that way since…I don’t know. Grade four? A long time, anyways.
It feels so weird. I like it, though. I just ate normally. And no, not just what I ate, but how I ate it. It’s just food. And it tastes damn good. And it’s healthy, so it makes my body feel good.
I don’t quite know what to do with this. I’m not happy, I don’t feel like spinning and dancing and shouting. But I’m not bad, either. I just am. I’m actually alright.

May 29th; 10:37pm

"I might not be around for a while, if at all. I have some personal stuff I need to deal with."
I'm not even sure if that's true. I think I might mean "I'm hiding so I can self-destruct in peace and appear like nothing's wrong."
but I also might mean what I said.
I don't even know anymore. Neither? Both? Wow, I can't even tell when I'm lying anymore.
I'm so torn. I want to self-destruct, push myself to my limits. Why? I don't know. I just need to. I need to make this physical. I need an excuse. I need to hurt. I need to know that I'm not just whining about nothing. I have to feel like myself, whoever the fuck that is.
I need to make it like last time because it's actually the same, just in a different place.
I need to finish this.
But that the same time, I promised. And how can I expect to help her when I can't even help myself? I can help others because I can lie and say I'm past it. But I don't lie to her.
I need to do SOMETHING. anything. Run until I fall over from exhaustion. Slice up my own skin. Empty, fill, and then empty. Swallow small white things that make me sick. Enter detrimental situations. Beat myself until I'm black and blue. FUCKING SOMETHING.

May 28th; 11:40pm

Sitting and trying to kill time, or staring at a wall, brings back a lot of memories.
I'm on my ipod at the moment because the computer is incapacitated. Chat is open but I'm not really talking, and I'm staring at the wall. I'm crying because I feel so alone and I'm panicing about the future.
Back then, I was staring at the wall and waiting to be able to phone someone, and crying and panicing about the same things.
It's all the same. Nothing ever changes. I know it's stupid to feel alone when I have Lee/Ari, but I do.
It's just one huge cycle. Big things change but small things stay the same. Or maybe it's that small things change but the big things change the same. I don't know what things are huge and what things are tiny, anymore. I can't tell the difference.
Both. Neither. It doesn't matter anyway.

May 27th; 11:29pm

I don't even know what to think or feel anymore.
On one hand... I'm so unbelieveably stressed for no real reasons. Well, none that aren't stupid.
Summer is coming up. With summer comes people leaving...some returning, some not. Everyone fucking leaves, it's a fact. I need to accept that. That's life. They get one - a life, that is - and then they're out of time for me. Which is fine.
If it's fine, then why does it hurt so much?
Summer is hot days wearing pants and excuses for not swimming and groups of people I dislike and none that I love. After summer comes school. I can't do that.
I can't.
I say I'll be able to and I should be, but I know I can't. Perhaps if I was completely mentally and emotionally sound but I'm not and won't be in time. I'm still as bad as I was last year while i'm responsibility-less and not at school, and adding those things will only make it worse. I can't do it. But I have no other options. If I don't go next year I'll end up dropping out - I'm already a year late as it is - and that can't happen. And even if that wasn't the case, it's been decided for me that I'll go back next year.
I'm so frightened. Of everything.
Everything's changing but of course I'm just in the exact same spot as before. I feel like I don't have any more options. I feel so freaking suicidal. At least as bad as last year. Lee is the only thing keeping me alive right now. I can't abandon her.
Ican'tdothisIcan'tdothisIcan'tdothis.
Fuck.
I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
I want to cut into bone or swallow a shitton of pills or eat until I puke until I explode. I want to starve and run and bruise. Something to make everything okay. But it's so futile. Those don't help anything longterm, no matter what I do the problem will still be there.
On the other hand... lovelovelove. Lee and I are officially a couple. I mean, we've been more or less going out since... October? But we're official now. :D She makes me so happy. Makes my day. Life. Everyday. This morning, I woke up to a really sweet and meaningful letter from her. For once, getting out of bed to face the day didn't seem so bad.
I don't know. I'm more up and down right now. The highs are actually high but the lows are so bad. Except for when I'm numb. Then it's just nothing.
I don't know.
I guess, I should be happy, but I'm not.

You're not alone, together we stand
I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand
When it gets cold and it feels like the end
There's no place to go, you know I won't give in
No, I won't give in

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

So far away, I wish you were here
Before it's too late this could all disappear
Before the door's closed and it comes to an end
With you by my side I will fight and defend
I'll fight and defend, yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Hear me when I say when I say, I believe
Nothing's gonna change, nothing's gonna change destiny
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

Keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through
Just stay strong
'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you

There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

Keep holding on
Keep holding on

There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do
There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on
'Cause you know we'll make it through, we'll make it through

To the lovely Ari-dear,
Fuck distance and time and dirt and air and dfgpjdfgopksdsdoksdofksdo[fksdfk.
I miss you so much.
798 miles is far too much. Teleport...
...
:c
That being said, I love you. I love you more than I miss you. Actually, I love you more than pretty much anything else, ever. More than all the sand in the sea and all the stars in the sky. More than a frat of a sorority of Alots. I don't feel like I say it enough. I know I say it all the time, but it still feels lacking.
Also, you're beautiful. In basically every way - inside and out. Gorgeous. Stunning. Adorable.
Also... Amazing, fantastic, wonderful.
I know you don't see it. But eventually, you will. And I can't wait for that to happen, because when you see what I see... My god, you're fucking gorgeous.
Normally, this is where I would start referencing The Last Night, but I think we've passed "no more nights alone." I mean, we haven't been really, truly alone in a long while now [at least, it feels like a long while, even if it maybe hasn't. I mean, holy fuck, there was a time when I didn't know you?!], even if it sometimes feels like we are.
But, I just wanted to remind you... you're not alone. Not ever. Perhaps that sounds creepy, but again...we've passed that. We're downright fweepy. Whatever you're doing, wherever you are, I'm there. If you can barely breathe because it just hurts so fucking much, I'm there. If you're angry and need someone to rant at, I'm there. If you need someone to hold you, or someone to hold, I'm there. If you're happy and want to share it with someone, I'm there. You're not alone... never alone.
I will never abandon you. There is nothing you could ever do to change my opinion on you. I won't cram you in a box, take away your freedom, label you, or judge you. I make no promises that I won't hold you, though. I hope that's alright.
I can't wait until we're talking again. I can't wait until we're together physically. It's going to be the most amazing thing ever.
Also, things will get better. I know you're having a tough time now [as am I, obviously], but I promise. This isn't your life, and it will get better, and you'll breathe air once again. And everything will be okay. I promise you this. It's just a matter of time.
I love you so much. And you're amazing. I hope I make this clear to you, every day. That I'd do anything, just to see you truly happy. That you mean the world to me. That you save my life. That you're fantastic, amazing, beautiful, wonderful, adorable, stunning, gorgeous, wunderfundle... all of those things. And that I love you. And that won't ever go away.
Basically...
ag;oijsdfo;jsfoapwejkfoapwekjfopaewkdfapowekfopwekfLOVe-H. <33333333

 When you feel all alone and the world has turned it's back on you, give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart. I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you. It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold. When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore... Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall, lift you up and fly away with you into the night. If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone. When you feel all alone and a loyal friend is hard to find.. You're caught in a one way street with the monsters in your head. When hopes and dreams are far away and you feel like you can't face they day... Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall, lift you up and fly away with you into the night. If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone.
Because there has always been heartache and pain, and when it's over you'll breathe again. You'll breathe again. When you feel all alone and the world has turned it's back on you, give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart. Let me be the one you call, if you jump I'll break your fall, lift you up and fly away with you into the night. If you need to fall apart, I can mend a broken heart. If you need to crash then crash and burn you're not alone.
<3

I don't know what to type or how to type it. But I have to. Last night, I promised myself I would. It seemed very important that this get written down. Like I saw truth past lies and needed to remember it. I couldn't type it out because I was curled up in bed, but I told myself I would once I got up.

I can't be happy.
That's my job, in life. To make others happy but never be happy myself. I can help others but no one can help me. That's all my life will be. I'll always feel like this. It's never going to end.

I'm a freak.
I can't even cope with the very basics of life. Even the smallest of things that are so easy to everyone else, I can't handle. I'm pathetic, weak, freakish.
Also; I kept saying I wanted the pain to stop. But there wasn't even any pain. There was an ache in my stomach and I was sobbing so much that I nearly puked, but I wasn't upset. But I couldn't stop saying I wanted the hurt to stop.
The other day, when I cut, I remember thinking "Why am I doing this? It doesn't even feel good. And I don't feel bad." even though I was feeling like shit... thinking that scared me. I don't know what happened.
These things happen a lot. Feeling SO intensely yet at the same time feeling nothing at all.
I don't know what's wrong with me. I wish someone could tell me what's wrong with me in a way that makes sense.
i'mwrongi'mwrongi'mwrongi'mwrong

No matter what I do, it comes back to this. No matter what changes I make or what I do, I always feel this way. I haven't let myself feel quite this bad in a while, but even still I felt like shit. I can't be happy. I won't ever be. Nothing will get better, not really.

I spent last night curled in the fetal position sobbing into a pillow. I couldn't stop thinking. Everything was so much, and it still is. I don't see any options - no take-able or pleasant ones, anyways.
I could have done it. I would have. I didn't, because I promised. That doesn't mean I didn't want to.

I don't want to do this for another 85 years. I know I promised that I'd make sure to live to 101 so She could live to 100.
I don't want to, though.
Can I please kill myself? I'm serious. I'm asking permission because I don't know what else to do, and I promised. And I won't break a promise. But, I just... I don't want to be here. I really don't.

I FUCKING MISS YOU SO FUCKING MUCH.

I’m crying. I can’t believe it’s been over two months.
Perhaps not such a long period of time in the grand scheme of things, but from talking all day every day…to this…
-sigh-
I miss you. I know that at some point soon [‘soon’ is relative, because time is messed like that. Fuck time. And dirt and space and air and time. Remember?] we’re going to be together again, and then ‘soon’ after that, really physically together.
That doesn’t make now hurt any less.
I’m going nuts without you by my side. I need you here. I’m losing it and I don’t know what to do. I’m so fucking terrified and I want to talk to you. I need to. I can’t, and I’ll survive, but I need to so badly.
Every night I curl up and pretend you’re there with me. And every morning I wake up alone - no, not alone, never alone. We’ve been over this - and it makes me sad. And every night I go to bed early because maybe I’ll dream about you and we’ll spend the night together.
I wish I could at least talk to you.
I miss you so much.
I know I’m not alone, not really [the last night, remember?] and neither are you… But I wish I felt less like I was.I know you’re probably looking at the moon thinking the same thing.
This sucks.
You’re beautiful [in every way; inside and out]
I love you.
I miss you.

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go

Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore

Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go

There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...

Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...

Can I please just sleep for the rest of forever? Skip time?
That's what I want. To just curl up away, safe somewhere, while time passes me by so I don't have to deal.
Everything's changing. Everything but me. I can't help it, I can't stop it, I can't control it. I don't like it. It scares me.
The world is sneaking up on me. And not slowly.
allatonce.
People are leaving and new people are there and school and work and LIFE are approaching and I'm supposed to be making changes to make this work and I'm not and I either can't or won't.
Everything is frightening, and hurts, and I don't want to.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Can I please just skip everything?
I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to wake up ever again but I would settle for a time where things are 'better'...whatever that means.
I want to hide.
I want to die.
No, that's not quite right.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to live.

- - -

On an unrelated note, someone asked me what negative personality characteristics I have.
I limited myself to a very small rant and only basics.

I'm not a nice person. And maybe that would be okay, if I was intelligent or something. But I'm not. I'm terrible. I'm selfish, needy, pathetic, lazy, hypocritical, weak, a liar, spoiled, stupid, and unwise. I'm both emotionally and physically ugly, disgusting, and I can never do anything right. Everything's always about me - either I ramble about myself or bring everyone down with my negative emotions and never give anything in return. I can't think or feel anything right. If I'm in a bad mood, I snap and in general be a nasty little bitch. If there's an easy way out, i'll take it. that is, unless I'm being a stubborn, spoiled brat and start arguments because I can't bear to be wrong. And I'm nearly always wrong. I complain and complain and complain and never do anything to fix it. I'm a hypocrite. I whine about people all the time when it's really about the same qualities I myself possess. I sit around all day and do nothing productive for the only reason that I don't feel like it. I leave all the work to other people and eat all the food and expect people to pay for my very survival. I make all these excuses about why I can't do this and about recovery and things being unhealthy for me and blah blah blah when really I'm just too weak and pathetic to manage anything. Life, school, being around people, being around myself, anything. I make the stupidest decisions and then blame others for my misfortune while still bringing people down with my guilt and self-hating emotions. I'm fake and I lie far too much. I can't hold a normal conversation with anyone to save my life and always seem to mess things up with people because they can't handle me... and why should I expect them to? It's selfish of me to expect people to deal with me and my issues. I don't contribute anything to the world or people around me and am pretty damn useless.

Of course, if there's a scale anywhere nearby, I compulsively check it. Because I'm a moron like that.
I'm 20 lbs above where I was last time I checked, and 10 over where I thought I was. Only a bit below my high weight.
I feel like so much disgusting. I really want to just fast.
I dunno.

I suppose I should update this.

The Breakdown is growing closer, I can tell [I consider this mostly a good thing]. On wednesday I went to Hastings'. I ended up having a panic attack/minor meltdown on their couch for a few hours. Luckily Hastings is one of the few people who's actually able to help, and he was there for me through it, as was Aki.

I'm scared about sunday. We're having a family get-together dinner thing. I don't want to go. I can't talk there and I know people will be expecting me to. I don't want to deal with that, and their disappointment when I don't. I'll end up sitting antisocially in a corner, and that's uncomfortable and awefpoorpgkfdfokg. Also, last time we had a dinner there, my uncle kept making fun of me for how much I ate. Whatifthathappensagain?HowmuchdoIeat?ASfosiwejfejfoefkpowekf.
Hopefully Hastings can come, but he probably has to work.

It's been a week off from two months since I've actually talked to Ari.
This upsets me. Bothers me.
Oh well, I guess. Fuck time [and dirt and air], yes?
♥

I'm not really sure what else to write here. I feel like I should, but..bleh. Those are the only things that matter right now, anyways.

Here's me. I look like crap, complete with dark eyes - courtesy of my recent lack of sleep.

4 cuts, right hip. Not severe at ALL [they're shallower and slimmer than most], but inconveniently placed and as such, are into adipose, barely above bone.
It hurts like a bitch.
I have no impulse control.

- - -

I've been ignoring my emotions again. Pushing myself too hard and shoving my emotions to the side. I know that soon - a few weeks, tops - I'll have a complete burnout. It's going to be bad.
I can't wait, though. I hate this uneasiness. Whenever I'm not actively doing something, I get so restless and uneasy. And when I am doing things, I'm incredibly detached. I'm getting rather sick of it, and even if when I breakdown it's going to be absolutely terrible, at least it'll be over with and I'll have something legitimate to complain about and feel bad about. And it's gotta be better than this... 'off'ness.

awekjfdopiaedopkewdokefo[psrfk[osdfk.
I had a thought, the other day, that if I cut on bony areas, I could cut through flesh instead of just surface scratch-type things.
This thought won't leave my mind.
It's a terrible idea, but I want to cut on top of where my hipbones are. It would only take 1/8 - 1/4 of an inch to reach bone.
You. Stop it. You don't need this. You just want it and it's a stupid thing to want. Not to mention you don't want the pain and annoyance that comes afterwards, even if you think you deserve it.
And no, arguing with me won't do any good.
...I still want it. >_>

Stuff to think about.

Here's a convo with me and a friend the other day:

---

Tiger: "Well, yeah. But that's not new, y'know? And as for education, I'm going back to school in September, so. Right now I have plenty of time for myself and for more or less anything I want that doesn't involve money."
Tiger: means time for anything she wants, not things she wants.

Chessie: "When did yoou decide to go back to school?"

Tiger: "That was the decision when I decided that I would take this semester off. So, months ago. January? Something like that."

Chessie:"Has going back been in your mind a lot lately?"

Tiger: "A little bit, yeah. And you know that my version of a little bit is still a lot compared to a lot of people and a lot of things. In comparison to other things on my mind, no, not a lot, but in actual amount, yeah."

Chessie: "Do you want to go back?"

Tiger: "Yes, and no. I want to go back because I feel like I need to be doing something, and because I miss things like band, and even some of the people. I'm sort of anxious for it to get going, I would like to get it over with, if that makes sense. But at the same time, it's stressful, I don't think I'm ready, and I don't really enjoy most of it. That and I'm graduating a year late so I'll be in classes with people a year or two younger than me."
Tiger: "Overall, I feel... I dunno. Stressed but not. Either with things to be stressed about but not feeling it, or feeling stressed with nothing to be stressed over. I'm not sure which."

Chessie:"Nothing really that I can say is likely to help.  Your evaluation is accurate.  I find it unlikely you'll manage the entire year unless something drastic happens.  You'll be able to go for a few months before the monotany starts to wear.  Once you're trapped in your own mind for protracted periods by dull classes where you're expected to pay attention to only the teacher and surrounded by people of violent emotional states (pubescent teenagers), I think it's likely you'll stop talking again."
Chessie: "You may have time to graduate. You may not.  I can't say there.  You sound like you're slowly sliding into numb-disassociation from your body, mind, and world.  That tends to come when stress factors (in your case, probably anxiety over the future both close and far) start to close in on overwhelming."

Tiger: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're right."
Tiger:"I think I may be doing that thing where I completely stonewall things that bother me. Since the more I think about it the more things I can come up with."
Tiger: is either doing that or psyching herself out.

mandolintailstalker: notes that's what she calls disassociation.  "Your brain is like an organizing list where you're allowed to deal with stuff in any order...so you take the big stuff you REALLY don't want to deal with and put that far away.  The smaller stuff you put a little bit farther away.  Then as smaller and smaller stuff appears, you push the big stuff just a little bit farther and the stuff right in front of it farther and so one.  Since everyday life contains a lot of minor stress, eventually your not consciously moving towards the big things anymore and the only stress you can even work on is the super super immediate...because everything else has been pushed miles away."

Tiger: notes that's different than what she considers dissociation, but finds that to be accurate.
Tiger: *disassociation 

Chessie: "The only way that is generally undone is A, if you have no future plans or expectations which you are not in control of (which you have in spades right now) and B, something massive upsets your life and erases all of those expectations.  You engineered (unconsciously) a situation where you could temporarily wipe out all of those expectations by not talking anymore.  You recognized those expectations (societal, familial, social) would never lead you to happiness and instead would slowly destroy your wellbeing, so you wiped them out...for a while.  Now they're settling back as you attempt to normalize again." 

Tiger: "...yeah, pretty much. But I don't know that it was so much wiping them out as avoiding them. But, yeah."

Chessie: "At the time when it was possible you might not speak to anyone, you were in control of whose expectations could be pushed on you.  If you saw some expectation that was toxic to you or someone you didn't trust, you didn't talk to them.  That meant all of the teachers, your mother, and your brother."

Tiger: nods a little bit.

Chessie:"You were in control of both when and how people put their needs and demands on you.  Now that you're starting to talk and people expect you to talk to everyone instead of just select persons, you're losing all of that control.  All those expectations they put on hold start to crowd in again.  That feeling of being 'pressed on' resumes.  Eventually, you're expected to talk to everyone...and to accept EVERYTHING."

Tiger: "Mm, yeah. I'm feeling the urge to keyboard smash now, so...yes. I don't know how to deal with that, though."

Chessie:"Now, keep in mind, I am a responsible adult.  I have a large bank account, friends, sex partners, a working car, retirement plans, and employment.  Would you say all of those things qualify me to make a reccomendation on your future maturity?"

Tiger: 's mom is calling her and will be back in a moment.
Tiger: is back. "Hmm, yes. Depending on what it is I may or may not be able - or want - to take it, but, yes."

Chessie:  "You may not want to, but I think it's your eventual solution and the one you'll likely take if you face total collapse and loss of personhood again.""
Chessie: "No school.  No future.  Erase it all and make your own way.  You'll have to burn bridges temporarily, but you are capable of getting forgiveness from literally anyone.  Your brother won't understand for a while (he believes very strongly that he knows what's right) but your mother eventually will.  You'll end up very alone, temporarily, minus a tiny selection of people."
Chessie:"Your alternative is slow derrangement.  Self-abuse, comfort behaviors, depression, frustration, and in the end a repeating cycle of collapse.  I have no doubt you'll blame yourself for that, cursing yourself for being unable to be like everyone else and do the things that seem to come naturally to them, though in truth it isn't your fault."

Tiger: "What's your recommendation?"
Tiger: means more specifically.

Chessie: "It'll make you feel GODAWFUL guilty."

Chessie: takes a deep breath.  "Okay, here's my solution.  It's kinda piece-meal right now."
Chessie: "Wait a few weeks, then go back to not talking to people.  Make it sudden.  The more sudden, the better.  Lots of people will be disappointed but it needs to be clear that you're not going to just slide back to normality if people are patient.  If they push or put you back in the situation you were in, you will close down.  Everyone needs to know that's going to happen and no amount of psychologist idiocy will stop it.  It places you in control again of what happens in your life...and from there, you should start working on an escape plan that includes a place to live, friends, and money."

Tiger: "Certain people I'd still talk to more or less no matter what, but they don't put any expectations on me anyways. I'm not sure how to make an escape plan like that when I don't even have the commitment to get a job, and I can't do anything without money."

Tiger: isn't finding the disappointing people aspect to be appealing but understands why you say that.

Chessie: "What is worse?  The disappointment people will feel when you suddenly revert to mute-ism or the disappointment they'll feel when you start feeling the urge to hide your report cards because you can't concentrate on your work?  Or the disappointment when you end up in the hospital because you cut yourself too deep?  Or your binge eating affects your health?"

Tiger: "The latter are worse, but what if that doesn't happen? [Denial? Hmm.]
Tiger: "And talking DOES make communication easier for me in a lot of ways, even if not talking can be beneficial. And, more importantly, what if I end up with both? What if I stop talking and those last things still happen? THat's what happened last year. I don't want to be stuck in that."

Chessie: smacks you for denial.

Tiger: accepts that.
Tiger: sighs. "Okay, here it is..."

Chessie: "You're in a shit situation.  Keep in mind, I was THERE.  My behaviors were different but not by much...and I was getting to not talking to anyone.  I was CLOSE."
Chessie: "I got lucky.  I got expelled for something I didn't do, because I lived in a paranoid as shit time in a paranoid as shit place."

Tiger: "A lot of what you're saying really hits home. I can't see myself getting through school, getting better, all of that. I can't see myself managing to do the normal-thing, not for any length of time. But despite knowing there are other options, they don't feel like real options. Do you know what I mean? I can't really see them, either. I'm not ready for a job really, I don't know enough about to make a life like that, not to mention the whole idea involves going against my mother and basically my entire family, and disappointing everyone, even if only for a few years. So I feel stuck. I... don't know."

Chessie: "Lets put it this way.  You'll slowly slide into depression and self destruction.  You could start by telling some of the people in your life that this is how things are.  I can only unwind your brain and give you the reasons it works.  You have to make life-style choices to fix it."

Tiger: doesn't know how to make choices like that. "Not to mention you KNOW how I am with discussing things with people. That's fucking terrifying."
Tiger: hopes you realize she isn't trying to argue or anything.

Chessie: realizes and understands.  "I'm asking you to climb a mountain it too me 4 years to get to the base of."

Tiger: szrioupfhrsdfiohfsroi;hjsrfoi;hsdfioh;.
Tiger: feels this is an acceptable response.

Chessie: "HOWEVER...you do have the benefit of one thing.  I didn't know there was a way.  Any way whatsoever.  I was going at it with no maps of any sort."

Tiger: hopes you realize this entire idea is going against everything she's been taught her whole life.

Chessie: "Very much so.  Hey, I was taught to be a responsible Christian boy.  My family wanted me to be a big fan of Nascar.  My dad wanted me to be a karate master or maybe go into the military.  My mom wanted me to have one girlfriend I'd love my whole life.  I was supposed to graduate college and go straight into a life-long career."

Tiger: finds that sort of ridiculous. "In a lot of ways I'm better off. My expectations are/were basically to get into university or at least college, get a good paying job that occupies my mind, so that I can afford things I want, be happy, and...other than that, that's about it."

Chessie: "I was supposed to be a journalist who could write page after page every day.  Or an actor on broadway.  Or a great guitar player.  I was supposed to be all of those things and when I really confronted the realities of being those things and pleasing everyone, some part of me shut off.  I knew, somewhere under all of those expectations, that I could do something better.  I'm a better psychologist than people who've gone to 8 years worth of college."

Tiger: usually finds herself shutting off at the thought, but for different reasons. "I don't see myself capable of doing that, and that scares me. Failure is terrifying. Maybe that's why this whole idea is so scary. It feels like failure, somehow."

Chessie: nods.  "You'd never be good enough for yourself if you tried those things.  Good enough for other people, but never good enough for you."

Tiger: will give it thought. "It's something I need time to wrap my head around, I think."

Chessie: "Keep this in mind.  I'm wrong sometimes or not 100% right.  I tend to get close, but hitting things straight on the head is difficult.  That doesn't mean the stuff I say is entirely incorrect.  Just not perfectly accurate.  Where the brain is concerned, close enough tends to be...well, close enough."

---

I don't know what to do.
I've been raised to get good grades, go to university, and get a good paying job. that's my job in life and I've known that from day one.
Everything that she says there really resonates with me strongly. Despite denial-esque thoughts, I know what she's saying to be true. And yet it goes against something I've had engrained in me my entire life. It's essentially become one of my values for myself.
I have a paralyzing fear of failure. One could call it a phobia. Doing anything other than that, what I've been told, feels like failure. But I know that trying to do that is going to end in failure.
I'm a very future-based person. I picture things in the future. My brain, in a way, sits in the future, just like some people live in the past or the present. When I try to imagine my future, I see...nothing. Blackness.
IT'S FUCKING TERRIFYING.
I've always been able to see multiple variations of my future, but for the past few years...nothing.
I feel like I have no options. It makes me feel STUCK. It's something that's been buried in me for years, that's never been brought to the surface until now.
These two feelings are major things that have contributed to feeling suicidal. I mean, if I have no other options...? And I feel like I'm just waiting for that nothingness to catch up with me. How does one wait for nothing? I don't understand. But, at the same time...
Most anything else I could say about this was discussed in the conversation.
I'm very dependant on outside approval, as much as I hate to say it. And if I were to say fuck everything - stop talking again, drop out of school, get a job, move out - I would get disapproval from just about everyone, including people I care about, and disappoint all my family. I hate disappointment. And there's the whole failure thing, too...
I don't know what to do.
Opinions, anyone? If you know me from outside my blog, feel free to contact me through alternate means to discuss this.
My brain is all confused after this. So torn. It's like two of my huge values conflicting.
MAH BRAINMEATS AREN'T MIXING PROPERLY.
HALP.
xD
But no, seriously.... asdijsaofijsrdfpjsfoksdopfksefopjkserfpoksdf[okwd[oweqkdoewkfwef.

So. I was talking to Ari  Myself the other night. Just, about stuff. Usual eveningrambles.
I love you so much. And I'd do anything I could to make you happy. I'd do anything in my power just to see that smile, hear you laugh. I wish I could carry your demons and make everything better, but I can't truly do that.
What I can do, though, is help myself. Maybe I'm just re-realizing this, but. I know we share emotions in a freaky way, and I know it makes you happy when I'm happy. And to be happy, I have to get better.
And to get better, I need to try.
So, I think I might try again. Actually put effort in.
Because I want to make you truly smile. And I can't say I'd do anything and then sit and do nothing about this.
I love you. <3

isn't this supposed to make me feel better?

20 perfectly drawn red lines.

"i'm fine."

why is it so difficult to say "i am struggling tonight."
i hate wanting someone or something to make it all better and yet being so terrified into incapability of reaching out. i hate being engulfed in pain and not being able to ease it.
i hate being on the edge of tears yet not crying.

i don't understand the point of happiness. i don't. it's always brief and followed by pain. i can't rationalize happiness other than "it makes you feel good" - but isn't that redundant? "i like feeling good because it makes me feel good" i don't see how it's worth it, or really anything other than pointless. i don't understand it at all.

i don't know what to do.

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all?
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way, yeah

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
And good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so right, so follow me down and just

Fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it, if you don't belong, yeah
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite

You should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way, yeah

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
And good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so right so follow me down and just

Fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it, if you don't belong, yeah
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite

I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of them all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all?
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way, yeah

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
Good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so right, man, follow me down and just

Fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it, if you don't belong, yeah
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite

Fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it, if you don't belong, yeah
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite

Songdump/Ari

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
And the space between the things you know is blurring nonetheless
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, I'll be right beside you

I will sing, nobody will break you, you!
Trust in me, trust in me, don't pull away
Just trust in me, trust me 'cause I'm just trying to keep it together
'Cause I could do worse and you could do better

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, nobody will break you

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, nobody will break you

---

I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am.
When I go to sleep for good will I be forgiven?
And If you want roses you can go buy a bouquet.
If that just won't cut it, well what can I say?

You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do. That's what you do.

I want to know your fears, from your feet to the back of your ears.
When they raise the landing gear will your heart stay here?
If you could forgive me for being so brash, well you...
you could hit me or whip me, I'd savor each lash.

You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do.

No more fighting.
This is only a waste of our time
'cause soon we'll be leaving.
Will this strength still be mine?
I'll look out for you 'til I die, 'til I rot.
I'll remember you 'til I die, until I rot.

You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.

You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do.

---

Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight
You will be alright

'Cause there's no one
Like you in the universe

Don't be afraid
What your mind consumes
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe

And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible

During the struggle, they will pull us down
But please, please, let's use this chance to turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible

Do it on your own
It makes no difference to me
What you leave behind
What you choose to be

And whatever they say
Your soul's unbreakable

During the struggle, they will pull us down
But please, please, let's use this chance to turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible, together we're invincible

During the struggle, they will pull us down
But please, please, let's use this chance to turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible, together we're invincible

HEY. ARI.
Since I know that you're reading this, since apparently you can get on to check my blog... I LOVE YOU. AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. AND I MISS YOU.
And I keep sending you failcrack messages. Like constantly. xD But I think you're more likely to get the moon messages at this point, at least for now. BUT THEY'LL BE THERE WHEN YOU'RE FINALLY BACK ONLINE. Expect a full inbox of rambles. <3 omfg I miss you. A lot. <3 Do you know when you can get online again, yet?
OFGDIHDIFOGJ I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU. AND YOU'RE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND FANTASTIC AND GORGEOUS AND WONDERFUL AND ADORABLE AND STUNNING AND WUNDERFUNDLE AND DOIGHDFGIHDFIOGJDFIPGJDPFIGJDIFJGDPFOJLOVe-H. <33333

I was re-reading through old conversations and things she's sent me. One thing really hit home. Not that they don't all, always, but this is just the thing i needed to hear.

   I know I've pretty much exhausted all words that can be said at this point, but I'm going to say everything all over again because you're worth it.
   You're not alone, okay? Wherever you are right now, whatever you're doing, however you're feeling, I'm there. If you're happy, I'm there. If you're at your lowest, I'm there. I may not be there physically but I'm there with you when you need me still. I'm attached to you, there's an invisible line connecting us, transferring thoughts and feelings. So that way I'll be there, all you have to do is think of me.
   Distance means nothing, it's just space. Space isn't anything really, is it? It's just air and ground, silly things. How stupid it would be to be held back by dirt and air? It is, so I'm there despite it.
   Time means nothing. It can't be held or seen or kept. It is nothing. It can be felt but that's just people feeling what isn't really there. Time passes quickly, it's faster than we know. How long ago does a month seem? Not that long, really. A blink. A year ago? It seems long, but it also doesn't. A year ago was a moment ago.
Time will pass and distance will close, but I'm still there through both of them.

   Pain and loneliness will pass, too. Pain only comes from a blow, a wound. The pain will linger but it will be just a dull ache in the end, forgotten. Loneliness isn't always taken away by company, but it can be taken away by understanding. Whether that be the understanding of other people or learning to understand yourself will have to be found out later.
Your problems won't ever leave you, but they'll be a memory someday. As useless as time, always there but not real. They'll leave you, the monsters will go away.
   Look at yourself. Your scars aren't permission for more, they're there now and they won't ever really leave. But they have no power over you. They aren't good or bad, they're just there. They cannot embarrass you, they cannot hurt you, they cannot comfort you. They're not a sign of weakness or of strength, they're battle scars. You've fought with yourself for a long time now but the enemy is yourself, and you can't defeat her. Make a truce, sign a bill of peace. Breathe freely, clear the battleground.
   Basically, this is all temporary. This is all in our heads. Time. Distance. Pain. It's not real. It means nothing.
It'll be okay. <3

Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. That you're still here, always. <3  That just because we're not talking, doesn't mean that we're not connected. Because you can't deny it, we still have that awesome connection.

I thought a lot last night. Mostly about life.
I've been weighing the pros and cons. There's plenty of both, but the only advantage that has any hold on me, is Ari. She's the only reason to stay that I can think of. There's others too, and I know that, but they're just...not there. I don't feel them.
This is a frightening thought, to me. The fact that my life is dependant on someone else. I swore I'd never let that happen. But with her, it's not bad. <3
It's still scary to think that I don't have any other real reasons to live than her. That my life is that pointless.

How many days of recovery now? I'm not sure. I suppose I could do the math.
But I don't see why it matters, anyways.

i have not seen you.
i have seen stars and scars. i have seen shiny things and people that make me laugh and things that make me cry.
i have seen beautiful things. but none as beautiful as you. none that can even begin to compare.
i miss you.
there's probably a more eloquent way of putting it, but that's the truth. i miss you so badly it hurts. it tears at my heart and fills my head.
i know that i'm not alone. i know that just because i haven't felt your voice travel from plastic and metal and into my heart, doesn't mean that you're not there.
but, damn dirt and air and time. damn it all.
i miss you.

I talk to him. He doesn't respond.
I talk to her. She responds but then says she has to leave.
I bet they're talking behind my back. "Oh gawd she's talking to me. So annoying." "Yeah. Hahaha, now she's trying to talk to me. Wowwwww. Pathetic much?"
I can never tell who's real and who's fake. So it's a lot easier to assume everyone is fake. It saves me a lot of hurt when I find out that they were never my friend.

I shouldn't eat today.
There's no reasoning for this. No OMGINEEDTOLOSEWEIGHT or OMGATETOOMUCHMUSTMAKEUPFORIT. No more so than usual, anyways.
I just feel like I shouldn't. Like it's my 'thing' for the day. Like today, I'm simply meant to starve.
I know I should eat. [One day won't hurt me]. Food won't kill me. [I know that [I think] but I just don't want to.] The food looks good [Not that good]. I'll end up bingeing later. [No I won't, I can control this.]
I dunno. food? fooooooooood?
food.
empty?

Out here on the ledge
I'm not far away from stepping off
I finally picked out my cloud
It's the one over there surrounded by all that air
You reached out your hand
And said "I understand"
So why not come down?
Well except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine

no matter what i do, I feel like i'm being torn apart. it doesn't matter. nothing matters. the pain can only be temporarily eased. it doesn't go away, it won't ever. no matter what i do, i feel like shit. sad and lonely and sick and hurt and angry and empty.

It kills me to watch this fade
And I realize, it's all charade
And every mistake I make's the same
I beseech you to let me drown
Will it please you to let me down?
And no one can save me from the pain

the closer i get to people, the more it hurts. the lonelier i get.
i can't bear it.
i should withdraw. keep myself from getting close to people. but that hurts, too.
so, i should remove myself from existance. that's as far from people as you can get. not to mention i wouldn't have to feel so badly.

"Suicide is a form of murder— premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes some getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.

It’s important to cultivate detachment. One way to do this is to practice imagining yourself dead, or in the process of dying. If there’s a window, you must imagine your body falling out the window. If there’s a knife, you must imagine the knife piercing your skin. If there’s a train coming, you must imagine your torso flattened under its wheels. These exercises are necessary to achieving the proper distance.

The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark—why not kill myself? Missed the bus—better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie—maybe I shouldn’t kill myself."

 

I have to deal with life and do things...why not? life sucks...why not?

I'm useless. pointless.

pathetic, needy.

selfish, self-centered, arrogant, attention-whore.

stupid, lazy, unmotivated, sedentary.

not to mention in pain.

why not, why not...

 

There's a breeze in the air
There's a boat anchored out here
There's a calm under the waves as I choose to sink
With your voice in my head
I would float here instead
But there's a calm under the waves
So I choose to sink

 

i can't be saved. and it's all so much. too much.

everything feels too far away to try for.

i don't want to be here.

i don't want to do this anymore.

 

Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

My will to quickly end it all
Sat front row in my need to fall

 

Please, just let me go.

Take it and take it and take it and take it and take it all
Take it and take it and take it until you take us all
Smash it and crash it and thrash it and trash it
They're only toys

Try it, you'll like it, don't hide it, don't fight it, just let it out
Steal and shoot it and kill it or take another route
Take it and take it and take it
You know they're only toys

Devour, devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour, devour
It's your final hour

Devour, devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour, devour
What a way to go

You want it, you want it, you want it, you want it
Well, here it is, everything, everything, everything
Isn't so primitive
Take it and take it and take it and take it and take it all

Nobody, nobody wants to feel like this
Nobody, nobody wants to live like this
Nobody, nobody wants a war like this

Devour, devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour, devour
It's your final hour

Devour, devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour, devour
What a way to go

I told myself that if anyone asked if I was okay, or asked how I was and meant it...
then I wouldn't.
No one did.

-alone-






























i miss Ari.

I've lost control.
I don't think I had any in the first place, but that's irrelevant.
I can't do anything. I can't push myself. I'm just a ball of impulsiveness that gives in to every whim. I can't make a choice, I'm a slave to my urges.
I can't do anything I used to. I can't even go forty-eight hours without sleep, or even a day without food before bingeing. I can't bring myself to properly purge. I can't talk or not-talk or exercise past my limits.
I can't force my skin to give way to my mind.

1 cut, right thigh. 1/8 inch deep, 1 inch long.

I was going to go deeper, past the layers of my flesh but i came to my senses

I freaked out and couldn't bring myself to. Stupid. once again my body wins over my mind.

is that all i am? flesh and bones and muscles and cravings and urges and needs? pathetic, needy ball of lard? am i not more than this?
i have no control. i can't bring myself to do anything, my mind makes no choices.
Pathetic.

i am worth nothing. and i lack the ability and control to even try to change this. [not that i ever could anyways]

if i opened myself and drained myself of all that keeps me here, then i could be free. i know i could. i'm trapped inside this body, this person, none of who i am is me. so i could rip myself open and let it all trickle out, emptied of this corrupted poison that flows through me. i'm stuck here, but that can change with a single move. i'll break free and be my true self without the burden of all the Untruth that traps me. maybe i'll fall asleep and wake up outside of my dreams, just like i used to in the black and white. maybe i'll breathe underwater and float. maybe i'll fly.
i'll open myself, my shell. be drained, empty, and yet complete.
i wonder what it feels like.

Sky black and blue
Blue turned to red
It's quiet in the streets now
But it's screaming in your head

I ain't a fool
I've got my doubts
They say it doesn't hurt
Doesn't matter anyhow
Anyhow

Saying,
Hey we're just bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything at all

So lock all the door
And put your child to rest
There's the fire in the streets now
But it's quiet in your head

We're passing the time
We're breaking apart
We're damned at the end
And we're damned at the start
Blame it on the roses
Blame it on the red
We're running out of time
And were running out of breath

Saying,
Hey, now, we're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything

You say goodbye
Every day and night
With writing on the walls
Everybody's gonna need somebody
To take our troubles, and our worries, and our problems all away

'Cause
Hey we're just bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything at all

Hey, now, we're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything
Hey now
Hey now
Hey now
Right now

I fell asleep listening to Crash and Burn last night.

Written at aproximately 2am last night:

Hey, love.
I was feeling alone, but then I remembered...I'm not. No more nights alone, remember? Even if you're not here physically, you're still here. We're still together. And even if we don't really have the chance to talk right now, that's just a brief lapse in time, just like the time until you're here physically. You can't touch, feel, measure time, so fuck it. Distance is just dirt and air, so fuck that too. Fuck everything, because you make me happy. You make my life. And I take you, how you are. I won't cram you in a box that you can't breathe in, critisize you for the very nature of who you are, or chain you. I'll help you to breathe and support you with whatever it is you try to do, but I won't tell you what that is. Because you are you, and that is just fine. You are lovely.
Even though things hurt right now, that will pass. It's just a moment in time. And even if everything feels too far away to try for, to hope for... I'll keep trying. For you. For us. For everything we've been through, for everything we are and everything we can be. For dancing on the beach and making a ruckus and endlesss hugcuddles. Because we're going to get through this, and it's going to be better than anything we can imagine. Happiness and freedom are there, we just have to reach for it. And things will get better. Maybe even good, someday, who knows. Don't forget what we're fighting for.
I love you so much. I say it a lot, but that's only because it's true. I love you more than all the grains of sand in the sea and blades of grass on the land and more than peanut butter loves jelly and the sea loves a shell and all of that stuff. And this, it's just a moment in time, just a piece of the clock.
No more nights alone. We can do this, and we will. Nothing can stand in our way but ourselves, and with them, we're learning to make peace, even if the monsters try to drag us down, offer a fake deal of protection. But we know better than that.
I love you so fucking much. You are, honestly, the most beautiful person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing - inside and out. You're my favourite. My everything.
Thanks for being there for me tonight [just like every other night].

"But even if your heart is broken, so torn you can’t see it ever being whole, I’ll give you mine because it’s the same way, one half. We’ll have a complete heart again, and start to breathe air like we used to. I’ll put my scars next to yours and we’ll be reading the most beautiful words we’ve ever read then, even if we can’t understand their language."

What the fuck is wrong with me. I just started crying for no reason at all.
I want a hug. I want some company. I want someone to just sit with me. That's all. I'd like to talk but I don't even need that. Just someone to be with.
I feel...lonely.
It's not even the kind of lonely where it hurts. It's the kind that slowly eats at you, just sitting like this vague sense of wrongness and sadness.
I miss Ari. A lot.
As pathetic as this is... I just really want a hug right now.

bloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodblood

walk away from the sun, come slowly undone
i can see in your eyes i've already won
i could bleed for a smile, i could cry for some fun
walk away from the sun, and tell everyone

there's so much left in the air
so much to tell from a stare
there's so much left to defend
but i am no fun

so turn away from the ones who hurt everyone
i can tell by your smile you're coming undone
i could bleed for a smile; could die for a gun
walk away from the sun and kill everyone

so tiny dancer beware, we're medicated and scared
this smile is so hard to wear, but i have no gun

so turn away from the ones who hurt everyone
i can tell by your smile you're coming undone
i could bleed for a smile; could die for a gun
walk away from the sun and kill everyone

and you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
and you're fading with every day... whoa

there's so much left in the air
so much to tell from your stare
there's so much left to defend
but i am no fun

and you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
and you're fading with every day... whoa

walk away from the sun
(fading with every day)
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)

 

Out here on the ledge
I'm not far away from stepping off
I finally picked out my cloud
It's the one over there surrounded by all that air
You reached out your hand
And said "I understand"
So why not come down?
Well except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine
Oh except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine

i reason with myself. "no, slicing yourself open would be a bad idea." but it'd be fun! red all over the place. skin giving way to the poison beneath. let it all drain out. "no, then you wouldn't be here." i'm not here anyways, who cares? ghost. invisible. just sort of floating in limbo anyways. "Ari would care. she needs you, remember? remember? yeah. you can't be selfish and leave her here all alone." ...oh. "yeah."
but everything looks so pretty in red...

This stage of oblivion I find comfortable
And prior to this I never spoke
You say you understand my absence now
And why I never tell jokes
You know...
Whats another day?
When we're already getting used to gray
What's another day?
If inspiration grows out from this
What's another day?
From silence is the next best thing to bliss
And we're all getting used to hearing you say
you know...

i need to switch things up. everything is still. i'm still. i don't like speed but sitting stagnant is even worse. i could drain myself, or greet my bones. i could erupt. i could swallow little pieces of death. change things up a bit.
maybe if things change enough, i'll change and cease to exist. vanish. poof! hahahahaha. see the fading girl, see things turn to shades of gray and then back to colour and contrast again. variation.

I can't laugh too hard I'm on a diet
I'm trying to lose myself
You ought to try it...
I think you'll leave me soon
Though I've no proof of it
But I'll make it easier for you
By being a little bitch

Breakfast:
too much.

Lunch:
too much.

Dinner:
too much.

Intake:
too much.

Outtake:
not enough.

You did the right thing covered your scars
Challenged your faith
and closed your eyes driving cars
For all that they knew you were safe home
But you went through hell
whenever you were left alone

But you could see where I had been
in the pictures that they took

I tied to look positive at things,
Faced myself but didn't look
That was not honest
I was not healthy
I am not honest, honest.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes
There's no need to cling to unnecessary lies
The voice in your head whose spirit you stole
left you for dead but you dug the hole

And I could see where you had been
from the marks around your wrists
The red water washed around your sins
but are you as pure as this?
No you are not honest
You are not healthy
You are not honest, honest.

You should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way, yeah
- - -
I want to feel wanted.
I feel selfish, pathetic, and arrogant for this.
- - -
I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Untill I have something more to say for me
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
- - -
It's stupid to think anyone ever would. Look at me; I'm ugly and fat and stupid and useless. My skin expands and wobbles and sticks, my eyes are zombified and gray, my nose is too big, my lips teeth and jaw is crooked, I can't smile normally, my hair is greasy and frizzy and sits wrong, my eyebrows are huge and bushy, my skin is pimpley and disgusting. My arms are weak and flabby - chicken wings. My collarbones are covered in fat and so is my chest, my breasts are small and oddly shaped, my rip cage is huge and still covered in fat, i've got love handles and a beer belly despite the fact that i don't drink. my thighs are huge and stick together and wobble, my calves are huge and scarred and ugly, my feet are too huge, my fingernails are bitten and ripped.
- - -
I tell ya she's a heart breaker
And you can't tell me she ain't
There's a little devil in her...
'Cause she don't know wrong from right
- - -
I can't do anything right. I can't even function. I can't go to school or work or get good grades or help anyone or walk right or talk right or eat right or sleep right. I fail at just being human. I snap and cry and fake and scream and say the wrong things at the wrong time and do the wrong things and can't even do the simplest of tasks correctly. I can't walk without tripping or walking into anything, i can't talk properly, i can't do work below my grade level, i can't think, i can't even be happy properly. i'm jealous and arrogant and hateful and spiteful and sadistic and stupid and lazy and needy and pathetic and clingy and careless and cold and a failure.
- - -
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
- - -
How dare I want anything, and be selfish and arrogant enough to want other people to want me. It's needy and pathetic. No one ever  would and I don't blame them - I wouldn't like me, either.
- - -
The red water washed around your sins
but are you as pure as this?
No you are not honest
You are not healthy
You are not honest, honest.
- - -
sigh.
I wish I was someone else.
I want to be wanted. I feel so lonely it hurts.
- - -
All I want is perfection...
I'll reach my goals but they're never good enough
I wanna be the person that everyone looks at with envy
Perfect on the inside, and out

Every day you save my life.

You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-
Every day
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every day
Every, every, every day-

Every day you save my life
---
...oh. yeah. that's the point.
---
Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste,
I'm burning out now,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I know we're hanging at the end of the road,
We've flown too high, make a swarm too low,
I heard a screaming out loud,
I heard a screaming out loud

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

It hurts.
It hurts to breathe, to exist.
To see what could have been me if I wasn't such a fuck up.
To watch people who are everything I'm not.
To sit here in so much pain, yet be unable to do anything about it.
To be the strong, silent one. To help everyone while saying nothing about myself.
No, I'm fine. No, I don't want to talk about sitting there crying for a half hour with a razor in my hand, trying to convince myself not to do it. No, I don't want to talk about how much it fucking hurts and how I want to crawl out of my skin. No, I don't want to talk about how i'm having a hard time finding the point to everything. No, I don't want to talk about how I'm having a hard time remembering my reasons. Or how pretty the bath tub would look completely painted bright red.
Really.
I'm fine.
...I wish there was something anyone could do to help me, but there isn't.