So much has changed and happened since I've last posted. I've gotten back to feeling like complete and utter shit. Lee [love, let me know if you still want to go by Ari on here] and I are officially going out. I'm feeling better. I've had some moments of feeling actually okay. I'm still stressed. I've reached a comfortable and healthy [well, as healthy as you can get, lol] level with my self-harm and it's on the bottom of my priorities list for stopping.
Things are up and down, but they're getting better.
Love.<3
Here are entries from recently [saved onto ipod notes due to a lack of a blog]
June 2nd; 3:19pm
I'm okay.
It feels so weird to say that and mean it. Even more so to feel it. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but for now, I’m going to enjoy it despite the slight guilt that I feel for feeling/saying/enjoying it.I still see my body. I still see all my flaws, imperfections. And I don’t love it. But I don’t hate it for once, either. I don’t feel like I’m being swallowed by my imperfections, for once. I’m…I’m okay with it. It just is, I just am, and that’s alright.
I haven’t felt that way since…I don’t know. Grade four? A long time, anyways.
It feels so weird. I like it, though. I just ate normally. And no, not just what I ate, but how I ate it. It’s just food. And it tastes damn good. And it’s healthy, so it makes my body feel good.
I don’t quite know what to do with this. I’m not happy, I don’t feel like spinning and dancing and shouting. But I’m not bad, either. I just am. I’m actually alright.
May 29th; 10:37pm
"I might not be around for a while, if at all. I have some personal stuff I need to deal with."
I'm not even sure if that's true. I think I might mean "I'm hiding so I can self-destruct in peace and appear like nothing's wrong."
but I also might mean what I said.
I don't even know anymore. Neither? Both? Wow, I can't even tell when I'm lying anymore.
I'm so torn. I want to self-destruct, push myself to my limits. Why? I don't know. I just need to. I need to make this physical. I need an excuse. I need to hurt. I need to know that I'm not just whining about nothing. I have to feel like myself, whoever the fuck that is.
I need to make it like last time because it's actually the same, just in a different place.
I need to finish this.
But that the same time, I promised. And how can I expect to help her when I can't even help myself? I can help others because I can lie and say I'm past it. But I don't lie to her.
I need to do SOMETHING. anything. Run until I fall over from exhaustion. Slice up my own skin. Empty, fill, and then empty. Swallow small white things that make me sick. Enter detrimental situations. Beat myself until I'm black and blue. FUCKING SOMETHING.
May 28th; 11:40pm
Sitting and trying to kill time, or staring at a wall, brings back a lot of memories.
I'm on my ipod at the moment because the computer is incapacitated. Chat is open but I'm not really talking, and I'm staring at the wall. I'm crying because I feel so alone and I'm panicing about the future.
Back then, I was staring at the wall and waiting to be able to phone someone, and crying and panicing about the same things.
It's all the same. Nothing ever changes. I know it's stupid to feel alone when I have Lee/Ari, but I do.
It's just one huge cycle. Big things change but small things stay the same. Or maybe it's that small things change but the big things change the same. I don't know what things are huge and what things are tiny, anymore. I can't tell the difference.
Both. Neither. It doesn't matter anyway.
May 27th; 11:29pm
I don't even know what to think or feel anymore.
On one hand... I'm so unbelieveably stressed for no real reasons. Well, none that aren't stupid.
Summer is coming up. With summer comes people leaving...some returning, some not. Everyone fucking leaves, it's a fact. I need to accept that. That's life. They get one - a life, that is - and then they're out of time for me. Which is fine.
If it's fine, then why does it hurt so much?
Summer is hot days wearing pants and excuses for not swimming and groups of people I dislike and none that I love. After summer comes school. I can't do that.
I can't.
I say I'll be able to and I should be, but I know I can't. Perhaps if I was completely mentally and emotionally sound but I'm not and won't be in time. I'm still as bad as I was last year while i'm responsibility-less and not at school, and adding those things will only make it worse. I can't do it. But I have no other options. If I don't go next year I'll end up dropping out - I'm already a year late as it is - and that can't happen. And even if that wasn't the case, it's been decided for me that I'll go back next year.
I'm so frightened. Of everything.
Everything's changing but of course I'm just in the exact same spot as before. I feel like I don't have any more options. I feel so freaking suicidal. At least as bad as last year. Lee is the only thing keeping me alive right now. I can't abandon her.
Ican'tdothisIcan'tdothisIcan'tdothis.
Fuck.
I.
Can't.
Do.
This.
I want to cut into bone or swallow a shitton of pills or eat until I puke until I explode. I want to starve and run and bruise. Something to make everything okay. But it's so futile. Those don't help anything longterm, no matter what I do the problem will still be there.
On the other hand... lovelovelove. Lee and I are officially a couple. I mean, we've been more or less going out since... October? But we're official now. :D She makes me so happy. Makes my day. Life. Everyday. This morning, I woke up to a really sweet and meaningful letter from her. For once, getting out of bed to face the day didn't seem so bad.
I don't know. I'm more up and down right now. The highs are actually high but the lows are so bad. Except for when I'm numb. Then it's just nothing.
I don't know.
I guess, I should be happy, but I'm not.
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