Stressor -> Avoidance -> Breakdown -> Emotional deadening.
I'm going nuts.
I feel empty. Devoid of all emotion. Not even numb, or dissociated, just...emotionless. Empty.
Restless.
I haven't been sleeping well. I'm finding myself sleeping less hours, waking up more, and sleeping more restlessly when I do.
My eating has been shit [I recognize that I haven't been eating enough lately, because honestly nothing is at all appetizing, and I've binged/purged].
Auditory and peripheral hallucinations have been pretty bad.
I drank half an energy drink on an empty stomach because I needed the energy to clean, and I ended up having such bad paranoia that I had to leave the house. Usually I get anxiety, but not that badly.
I'm also being so fucking impulsive and self-destructive. At the barn today I grabbed a hammer and bruised my arm to shit [It's only been half a day and it's already turning purple] without thinking, just because I saw it and no one was around. I stole a roll of vetrap 'just in case' and I don't even know why. [Even though it was an extra roll, I feel incredibly guilty for this.] I'm craving alcohol and weed despite the fact that I don't toke and I DON'T drink - I just want something to fill the space. I nearly knicked a vein cutting the other day.
I keep wanting to talk to people, but as soon as I have the chance, I have no motivation to chat and have nothing to say. I want to spend time with people, but as soon as I'm with them, I just want to leave.
If I'm doing anything, I just want to be home alone, but when I'm home alone I get so bored and restless, no matter what activities I have to do.
I can't settle.
I refuse to be self-aware because I know what the main problems are [from my couple weeks of complete breakdown] and they're not ones that can be fixed at this point in time. I'd rather push them away and just not care.
All of this said, I don't even feel bad, for the most part. I'm not sad, overly self-hating, overly anxious, or anything. I'm not entirely sure I'm here.
I feel fucking batshit insane. I've been through this all before, I know how it works, but still.
Oh, and I'm also convinced that basically everyone hates/dislikes/is annoyed by me, and on the off chance they don't, they'll still leave me anyways, due to life.
