isn't this supposed to make me feel better?

20 perfectly drawn red lines.

"i'm fine."

why is it so difficult to say "i am struggling tonight."
i hate wanting someone or something to make it all better and yet being so terrified into incapability of reaching out. i hate being engulfed in pain and not being able to ease it.
i hate being on the edge of tears yet not crying.

i don't understand the point of happiness. i don't. it's always brief and followed by pain. i can't rationalize happiness other than "it makes you feel good" - but isn't that redundant? "i like feeling good because it makes me feel good" i don't see how it's worth it, or really anything other than pointless. i don't understand it at all.

i don't know what to do.

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all?
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way, yeah

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
And good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so right, so follow me down and just

Fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it, if you don't belong, yeah
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite

You should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way, yeah

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
And good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so right so follow me down and just

Fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it, if you don't belong, yeah
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite

I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake with the best of them all
I can fake with the best of anyone
I can fake it all

Who's to know if your soul will fade at all?
The one you sold to fool the world
You lost your self-esteem along the way, yeah

Good god, you're comin' up with reasons
Good god, you're draggin' it out
Good god, it's the changin' of the seasons
I feel so right, man, follow me down and just

Fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it, if you don't belong, yeah
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite

Fake it, if you're out of direction
Fake it, if you don't belong, yeah
Fake it, if you feel like infection
Whoa, you're such a fuckin' hypocrite

Songdump/Ari

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, I'll be right beside you

When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
And the space between the things you know is blurring nonetheless
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, I'll be right beside you

I will sing, nobody will break you, you!
Trust in me, trust in me, don't pull away
Just trust in me, trust me 'cause I'm just trying to keep it together
'Cause I could do worse and you could do better

When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, nobody will break you

And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you, nobody will break you

---

I want to know your plans and how involved in them I am.
When I go to sleep for good will I be forgiven?
And If you want roses you can go buy a bouquet.
If that just won't cut it, well what can I say?

You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do. That's what you do.

I want to know your fears, from your feet to the back of your ears.
When they raise the landing gear will your heart stay here?
If you could forgive me for being so brash, well you...
you could hit me or whip me, I'd savor each lash.

You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do.

No more fighting.
This is only a waste of our time
'cause soon we'll be leaving.
Will this strength still be mine?
I'll look out for you 'til I die, 'til I rot.
I'll remember you 'til I die, until I rot.

You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.

You're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead,
Strength in my bones put the words in my head.
When they pour out to paper, it's all for you.
'Cause that's what you do.

---

Follow through
Make your dreams come true
Don't give up the fight
You will be alright

'Cause there's no one
Like you in the universe

Don't be afraid
What your mind consumes
You should make a stand
Stand up for what you believe

And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible

During the struggle, they will pull us down
But please, please, let's use this chance to turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible

Do it on your own
It makes no difference to me
What you leave behind
What you choose to be

And whatever they say
Your soul's unbreakable

During the struggle, they will pull us down
But please, please, let's use this chance to turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible, together we're invincible

During the struggle, they will pull us down
But please, please, let's use this chance to turn things around
And tonight we can truly say
Together we're invincible, together we're invincible

HEY. ARI.
Since I know that you're reading this, since apparently you can get on to check my blog... I LOVE YOU. AND YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL. AND I MISS YOU.
And I keep sending you failcrack messages. Like constantly. xD But I think you're more likely to get the moon messages at this point, at least for now. BUT THEY'LL BE THERE WHEN YOU'RE FINALLY BACK ONLINE. Expect a full inbox of rambles. <3 omfg I miss you. A lot. <3 Do you know when you can get online again, yet?
OFGDIHDIFOGJ I LOVE YOU AND MISS YOU. AND YOU'RE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND FANTASTIC AND GORGEOUS AND WONDERFUL AND ADORABLE AND STUNNING AND WUNDERFUNDLE AND DOIGHDFGIHDFIOGJDFIPGJDPFIGJDIFJGDPFOJLOVe-H. <33333

I was re-reading through old conversations and things she's sent me. One thing really hit home. Not that they don't all, always, but this is just the thing i needed to hear.

   I know I've pretty much exhausted all words that can be said at this point, but I'm going to say everything all over again because you're worth it.
   You're not alone, okay? Wherever you are right now, whatever you're doing, however you're feeling, I'm there. If you're happy, I'm there. If you're at your lowest, I'm there. I may not be there physically but I'm there with you when you need me still. I'm attached to you, there's an invisible line connecting us, transferring thoughts and feelings. So that way I'll be there, all you have to do is think of me.
   Distance means nothing, it's just space. Space isn't anything really, is it? It's just air and ground, silly things. How stupid it would be to be held back by dirt and air? It is, so I'm there despite it.
   Time means nothing. It can't be held or seen or kept. It is nothing. It can be felt but that's just people feeling what isn't really there. Time passes quickly, it's faster than we know. How long ago does a month seem? Not that long, really. A blink. A year ago? It seems long, but it also doesn't. A year ago was a moment ago.
Time will pass and distance will close, but I'm still there through both of them.

   Pain and loneliness will pass, too. Pain only comes from a blow, a wound. The pain will linger but it will be just a dull ache in the end, forgotten. Loneliness isn't always taken away by company, but it can be taken away by understanding. Whether that be the understanding of other people or learning to understand yourself will have to be found out later.
Your problems won't ever leave you, but they'll be a memory someday. As useless as time, always there but not real. They'll leave you, the monsters will go away.
   Look at yourself. Your scars aren't permission for more, they're there now and they won't ever really leave. But they have no power over you. They aren't good or bad, they're just there. They cannot embarrass you, they cannot hurt you, they cannot comfort you. They're not a sign of weakness or of strength, they're battle scars. You've fought with yourself for a long time now but the enemy is yourself, and you can't defeat her. Make a truce, sign a bill of peace. Breathe freely, clear the battleground.
   Basically, this is all temporary. This is all in our heads. Time. Distance. Pain. It's not real. It means nothing.
It'll be okay. <3

Thanks for reminding me that I'm not alone. That you're still here, always. <3  That just because we're not talking, doesn't mean that we're not connected. Because you can't deny it, we still have that awesome connection.

I thought a lot last night. Mostly about life.
I've been weighing the pros and cons. There's plenty of both, but the only advantage that has any hold on me, is Ari. She's the only reason to stay that I can think of. There's others too, and I know that, but they're just...not there. I don't feel them.
This is a frightening thought, to me. The fact that my life is dependant on someone else. I swore I'd never let that happen. But with her, it's not bad. <3
It's still scary to think that I don't have any other real reasons to live than her. That my life is that pointless.

How many days of recovery now? I'm not sure. I suppose I could do the math.
But I don't see why it matters, anyways.

i have not seen you.
i have seen stars and scars. i have seen shiny things and people that make me laugh and things that make me cry.
i have seen beautiful things. but none as beautiful as you. none that can even begin to compare.
i miss you.
there's probably a more eloquent way of putting it, but that's the truth. i miss you so badly it hurts. it tears at my heart and fills my head.
i know that i'm not alone. i know that just because i haven't felt your voice travel from plastic and metal and into my heart, doesn't mean that you're not there.
but, damn dirt and air and time. damn it all.
i miss you.

I talk to him. He doesn't respond.
I talk to her. She responds but then says she has to leave.
I bet they're talking behind my back. "Oh gawd she's talking to me. So annoying." "Yeah. Hahaha, now she's trying to talk to me. Wowwwww. Pathetic much?"
I can never tell who's real and who's fake. So it's a lot easier to assume everyone is fake. It saves me a lot of hurt when I find out that they were never my friend.

I shouldn't eat today.
There's no reasoning for this. No OMGINEEDTOLOSEWEIGHT or OMGATETOOMUCHMUSTMAKEUPFORIT. No more so than usual, anyways.
I just feel like I shouldn't. Like it's my 'thing' for the day. Like today, I'm simply meant to starve.
I know I should eat. [One day won't hurt me]. Food won't kill me. [I know that [I think] but I just don't want to.] The food looks good [Not that good]. I'll end up bingeing later. [No I won't, I can control this.]
I dunno. food? fooooooooood?
food.
empty?

Out here on the ledge
I'm not far away from stepping off
I finally picked out my cloud
It's the one over there surrounded by all that air
You reached out your hand
And said "I understand"
So why not come down?
Well except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine

no matter what i do, I feel like i'm being torn apart. it doesn't matter. nothing matters. the pain can only be temporarily eased. it doesn't go away, it won't ever. no matter what i do, i feel like shit. sad and lonely and sick and hurt and angry and empty.

It kills me to watch this fade
And I realize, it's all charade
And every mistake I make's the same
I beseech you to let me drown
Will it please you to let me down?
And no one can save me from the pain

the closer i get to people, the more it hurts. the lonelier i get.
i can't bear it.
i should withdraw. keep myself from getting close to people. but that hurts, too.
so, i should remove myself from existance. that's as far from people as you can get. not to mention i wouldn't have to feel so badly.

"Suicide is a form of murder— premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes some getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.

It’s important to cultivate detachment. One way to do this is to practice imagining yourself dead, or in the process of dying. If there’s a window, you must imagine your body falling out the window. If there’s a knife, you must imagine the knife piercing your skin. If there’s a train coming, you must imagine your torso flattened under its wheels. These exercises are necessary to achieving the proper distance.

The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark—why not kill myself? Missed the bus—better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie—maybe I shouldn’t kill myself."

 

I have to deal with life and do things...why not? life sucks...why not?

I'm useless. pointless.

pathetic, needy.

selfish, self-centered, arrogant, attention-whore.

stupid, lazy, unmotivated, sedentary.

not to mention in pain.

why not, why not...

 

There's a breeze in the air
There's a boat anchored out here
There's a calm under the waves as I choose to sink
With your voice in my head
I would float here instead
But there's a calm under the waves
So I choose to sink

 

i can't be saved. and it's all so much. too much.

everything feels too far away to try for.

i don't want to be here.

i don't want to do this anymore.

 

Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

My will to quickly end it all
Sat front row in my need to fall

 

Please, just let me go.

Take it and take it and take it and take it and take it all
Take it and take it and take it until you take us all
Smash it and crash it and thrash it and trash it
They're only toys

Try it, you'll like it, don't hide it, don't fight it, just let it out
Steal and shoot it and kill it or take another route
Take it and take it and take it
You know they're only toys

Devour, devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour, devour
It's your final hour

Devour, devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour, devour
What a way to go

You want it, you want it, you want it, you want it
Well, here it is, everything, everything, everything
Isn't so primitive
Take it and take it and take it and take it and take it all

Nobody, nobody wants to feel like this
Nobody, nobody wants to live like this
Nobody, nobody wants a war like this

Devour, devour
Suffocate your own empire
Devour, devour
It's your final hour

Devour, devour
Stolen like a foreign soul
Devour, devour
What a way to go

I told myself that if anyone asked if I was okay, or asked how I was and meant it...
then I wouldn't.
No one did.

-alone-






























i miss Ari.

I've lost control.
I don't think I had any in the first place, but that's irrelevant.
I can't do anything. I can't push myself. I'm just a ball of impulsiveness that gives in to every whim. I can't make a choice, I'm a slave to my urges.
I can't do anything I used to. I can't even go forty-eight hours without sleep, or even a day without food before bingeing. I can't bring myself to properly purge. I can't talk or not-talk or exercise past my limits.
I can't force my skin to give way to my mind.

1 cut, right thigh. 1/8 inch deep, 1 inch long.

I was going to go deeper, past the layers of my flesh but i came to my senses

I freaked out and couldn't bring myself to. Stupid. once again my body wins over my mind.

is that all i am? flesh and bones and muscles and cravings and urges and needs? pathetic, needy ball of lard? am i not more than this?
i have no control. i can't bring myself to do anything, my mind makes no choices.
Pathetic.

i am worth nothing. and i lack the ability and control to even try to change this. [not that i ever could anyways]

if i opened myself and drained myself of all that keeps me here, then i could be free. i know i could. i'm trapped inside this body, this person, none of who i am is me. so i could rip myself open and let it all trickle out, emptied of this corrupted poison that flows through me. i'm stuck here, but that can change with a single move. i'll break free and be my true self without the burden of all the Untruth that traps me. maybe i'll fall asleep and wake up outside of my dreams, just like i used to in the black and white. maybe i'll breathe underwater and float. maybe i'll fly.
i'll open myself, my shell. be drained, empty, and yet complete.
i wonder what it feels like.

Sky black and blue
Blue turned to red
It's quiet in the streets now
But it's screaming in your head

I ain't a fool
I've got my doubts
They say it doesn't hurt
Doesn't matter anyhow
Anyhow

Saying,
Hey we're just bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything at all

So lock all the door
And put your child to rest
There's the fire in the streets now
But it's quiet in your head

We're passing the time
We're breaking apart
We're damned at the end
And we're damned at the start
Blame it on the roses
Blame it on the red
We're running out of time
And were running out of breath

Saying,
Hey, now, we're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything

You say goodbye
Every day and night
With writing on the walls
Everybody's gonna need somebody
To take our troubles, and our worries, and our problems all away

'Cause
Hey we're just bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything at all

Hey, now, we're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything
Hey now
Hey now
Hey now
Right now

I fell asleep listening to Crash and Burn last night.

Written at aproximately 2am last night:

Hey, love.
I was feeling alone, but then I remembered...I'm not. No more nights alone, remember? Even if you're not here physically, you're still here. We're still together. And even if we don't really have the chance to talk right now, that's just a brief lapse in time, just like the time until you're here physically. You can't touch, feel, measure time, so fuck it. Distance is just dirt and air, so fuck that too. Fuck everything, because you make me happy. You make my life. And I take you, how you are. I won't cram you in a box that you can't breathe in, critisize you for the very nature of who you are, or chain you. I'll help you to breathe and support you with whatever it is you try to do, but I won't tell you what that is. Because you are you, and that is just fine. You are lovely.
Even though things hurt right now, that will pass. It's just a moment in time. And even if everything feels too far away to try for, to hope for... I'll keep trying. For you. For us. For everything we've been through, for everything we are and everything we can be. For dancing on the beach and making a ruckus and endlesss hugcuddles. Because we're going to get through this, and it's going to be better than anything we can imagine. Happiness and freedom are there, we just have to reach for it. And things will get better. Maybe even good, someday, who knows. Don't forget what we're fighting for.
I love you so much. I say it a lot, but that's only because it's true. I love you more than all the grains of sand in the sea and blades of grass on the land and more than peanut butter loves jelly and the sea loves a shell and all of that stuff. And this, it's just a moment in time, just a piece of the clock.
No more nights alone. We can do this, and we will. Nothing can stand in our way but ourselves, and with them, we're learning to make peace, even if the monsters try to drag us down, offer a fake deal of protection. But we know better than that.
I love you so fucking much. You are, honestly, the most beautiful person I've ever had the pleasure of knowing - inside and out. You're my favourite. My everything.
Thanks for being there for me tonight [just like every other night].

"But even if your heart is broken, so torn you can’t see it ever being whole, I’ll give you mine because it’s the same way, one half. We’ll have a complete heart again, and start to breathe air like we used to. I’ll put my scars next to yours and we’ll be reading the most beautiful words we’ve ever read then, even if we can’t understand their language."

What the fuck is wrong with me. I just started crying for no reason at all.
I want a hug. I want some company. I want someone to just sit with me. That's all. I'd like to talk but I don't even need that. Just someone to be with.
I feel...lonely.
It's not even the kind of lonely where it hurts. It's the kind that slowly eats at you, just sitting like this vague sense of wrongness and sadness.
I miss Ari. A lot.
As pathetic as this is... I just really want a hug right now.

bloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodbloodblood

walk away from the sun, come slowly undone
i can see in your eyes i've already won
i could bleed for a smile, i could cry for some fun
walk away from the sun, and tell everyone

there's so much left in the air
so much to tell from a stare
there's so much left to defend
but i am no fun

so turn away from the ones who hurt everyone
i can tell by your smile you're coming undone
i could bleed for a smile; could die for a gun
walk away from the sun and kill everyone

so tiny dancer beware, we're medicated and scared
this smile is so hard to wear, but i have no gun

so turn away from the ones who hurt everyone
i can tell by your smile you're coming undone
i could bleed for a smile; could die for a gun
walk away from the sun and kill everyone

and you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
and you're fading with every day... whoa

there's so much left in the air
so much to tell from your stare
there's so much left to defend
but i am no fun

and you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
you're fading with every day
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)
and you're fading with every day... whoa

walk away from the sun
(fading with every day)
(you could've been the next one, should've been the next one)

 

Out here on the ledge
I'm not far away from stepping off
I finally picked out my cloud
It's the one over there surrounded by all that air
You reached out your hand
And said "I understand"
So why not come down?
Well except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine
Oh except for a few small bruises, cuts and scars I'm fine

i reason with myself. "no, slicing yourself open would be a bad idea." but it'd be fun! red all over the place. skin giving way to the poison beneath. let it all drain out. "no, then you wouldn't be here." i'm not here anyways, who cares? ghost. invisible. just sort of floating in limbo anyways. "Ari would care. she needs you, remember? remember? yeah. you can't be selfish and leave her here all alone." ...oh. "yeah."
but everything looks so pretty in red...

This stage of oblivion I find comfortable
And prior to this I never spoke
You say you understand my absence now
And why I never tell jokes
You know...
Whats another day?
When we're already getting used to gray
What's another day?
If inspiration grows out from this
What's another day?
From silence is the next best thing to bliss
And we're all getting used to hearing you say
you know...

i need to switch things up. everything is still. i'm still. i don't like speed but sitting stagnant is even worse. i could drain myself, or greet my bones. i could erupt. i could swallow little pieces of death. change things up a bit.
maybe if things change enough, i'll change and cease to exist. vanish. poof! hahahahaha. see the fading girl, see things turn to shades of gray and then back to colour and contrast again. variation.

I can't laugh too hard I'm on a diet
I'm trying to lose myself
You ought to try it...
I think you'll leave me soon
Though I've no proof of it
But I'll make it easier for you
By being a little bitch

Breakfast:
too much.

Lunch:
too much.

Dinner:
too much.

Intake:
too much.

Outtake:
not enough.

You did the right thing covered your scars
Challenged your faith
and closed your eyes driving cars
For all that they knew you were safe home
But you went through hell
whenever you were left alone

But you could see where I had been
in the pictures that they took

I tied to look positive at things,
Faced myself but didn't look
That was not honest
I was not healthy
I am not honest, honest.

I wish you could see yourself through my eyes
There's no need to cling to unnecessary lies
The voice in your head whose spirit you stole
left you for dead but you dug the hole

And I could see where you had been
from the marks around your wrists
The red water washed around your sins
but are you as pure as this?
No you are not honest
You are not healthy
You are not honest, honest.

You should know that the lies won't hide your flaws
No sense in hiding all of yours
You gave up on your dreams along the way, yeah
- - -
I want to feel wanted.
I feel selfish, pathetic, and arrogant for this.
- - -
I can't face myself when I wake up
And look inside a mirror
I'm so ashamed of that thing
I suppose I'll let it go
Untill I have something more to say for me
And I'm out of reason to believe in me
- - -
It's stupid to think anyone ever would. Look at me; I'm ugly and fat and stupid and useless. My skin expands and wobbles and sticks, my eyes are zombified and gray, my nose is too big, my lips teeth and jaw is crooked, I can't smile normally, my hair is greasy and frizzy and sits wrong, my eyebrows are huge and bushy, my skin is pimpley and disgusting. My arms are weak and flabby - chicken wings. My collarbones are covered in fat and so is my chest, my breasts are small and oddly shaped, my rip cage is huge and still covered in fat, i've got love handles and a beer belly despite the fact that i don't drink. my thighs are huge and stick together and wobble, my calves are huge and scarred and ugly, my feet are too huge, my fingernails are bitten and ripped.
- - -
I tell ya she's a heart breaker
And you can't tell me she ain't
There's a little devil in her...
'Cause she don't know wrong from right
- - -
I can't do anything right. I can't even function. I can't go to school or work or get good grades or help anyone or walk right or talk right or eat right or sleep right. I fail at just being human. I snap and cry and fake and scream and say the wrong things at the wrong time and do the wrong things and can't even do the simplest of tasks correctly. I can't walk without tripping or walking into anything, i can't talk properly, i can't do work below my grade level, i can't think, i can't even be happy properly. i'm jealous and arrogant and hateful and spiteful and sadistic and stupid and lazy and needy and pathetic and clingy and careless and cold and a failure.
- - -
But I'm a creep, I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
- - -
How dare I want anything, and be selfish and arrogant enough to want other people to want me. It's needy and pathetic. No one ever  would and I don't blame them - I wouldn't like me, either.
- - -
The red water washed around your sins
but are you as pure as this?
No you are not honest
You are not healthy
You are not honest, honest.
- - -
sigh.
I wish I was someone else.
I want to be wanted. I feel so lonely it hurts.
- - -
All I want is perfection...
I'll reach my goals but they're never good enough
I wanna be the person that everyone looks at with envy
Perfect on the inside, and out

Every day you save my life.

You could've bowed out gracefully
But you didn't
You knew enough to know
To leave well enough alone
But you wouldn't
I drive myself crazy
Tryin' to stay out of my own way
The messes that I make
But my secrets are so safe
The only one who gets me
Yeah, you get me
It's amazing to me

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

I come around all broken down and
Crowded out
And you're comfort
Sometimes the place I go
Is so deep and dark and desperate
I don't know, I don't know

How every day
Every day, every day
You save my life

Sometimes I swear, I don't know if
I'm comin' or goin'
But you always say something
Without even knowin'
That I'm hangin' on to your words
With all of my might and it's alright
Yeah, I'm alright for one more night-
Every day
Every day, every day, every day
Every day, every day
You save me, you save me, oh, oh, oh
Every day
Every, every, every day-

Every day you save my life
---
...oh. yeah. that's the point.
---
Seven days since I've seen your face,
Seven nights I have laid to waste,
I'm burning out now,
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired,
I know we're hanging at the end of the road,
We've flown too high, make a swarm too low,
I heard a screaming out loud,
I heard a screaming out loud

Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me what's wrong,
I'd be lying if I told you,
Losing you was something I could handle,
Somebody turn the lights on,
Somebody tell me how long,
All this darkness will surround you,
Cuz I'm burning for you,
Burning like a candle

It hurts.
It hurts to breathe, to exist.
To see what could have been me if I wasn't such a fuck up.
To watch people who are everything I'm not.
To sit here in so much pain, yet be unable to do anything about it.
To be the strong, silent one. To help everyone while saying nothing about myself.
No, I'm fine. No, I don't want to talk about sitting there crying for a half hour with a razor in my hand, trying to convince myself not to do it. No, I don't want to talk about how much it fucking hurts and how I want to crawl out of my skin. No, I don't want to talk about how i'm having a hard time finding the point to everything. No, I don't want to talk about how I'm having a hard time remembering my reasons. Or how pretty the bath tub would look completely painted bright red.
Really.
I'm fine.
...I wish there was something anyone could do to help me, but there isn't.

I haven't talked to Ari in like four or five days.
I have this feeling that something's wrong. I hope that it's just anxiety from not being able to talk to her, and not our awesome connection saying that she's not doing so well.
It makes me uneasy.

131

It'snotgoingtogetbetter.
You'rejustafuckupwho'sruinedherlife.
Youcan'tbeperfectyouneedtobeperfect.Yousworeifyoucouldn'tbethatyouwouldkillyourself,remember?
Can'tevendothatright,jeez,andnowit'stoolate,youcan't.
You'restuck.
Stuck.
stuckstuckstuckstuckstuckstuckstuckstuckstuckstusckstusckstuckstuckstuckstuckstuckstuckstuck.

Breakfast: Too-huge bowl of oatmeal, juice.
Lunch:
Dinner:
Other:
Exercise:
Harm: Light burn on my arm last night. I feel like crap about it, even though it mostly just caused pain and nothing else.

LOL

1. "I forgot the safe word."
2. "I had sex with a porcupine."
3. "I had sex with Edward Scissorhands."
4. "Zombies."
5. "Fight to the death with a lawnmower. I won."
6. "Rough sex."
7. "I got stuck at the grand opening of the new magnet shop in town. Shame they put it opposite a knife store."
8. "A dozen knives dropped from the sky onto me."
9. "I tried to jack off with a blackberry bush and it got out of control."
10. "I ran too close to an erupting volcano to save a kitten. [for burns]"
11. "I fought in the gulf war."
12. "I had sex with a hedgehog."
13. "papercut."
14. "I was in a very violent wizarding duel."
15. Person: "What happened to your [insert body part]?" You: "...What?'' Person: "It's covered in scars." You: "...What? </gives weird look> No, they're not. Are you feeling alright...?"
16. "I got into a knife fight with a shark."
17. "Went in for bloodwork. They gave me the student nurse..."
18. "I'm a croc hunter, mate."

128

Discard all feelings.
The stars scar my ceiling.
I won't spare you
And my pain is mine. It's become my friend with time.
Chia-like, it grows. Watch it fester for my foes.
One day, I'm gonna get up and get right back into the city with my flamethrower mouth.
You bet your life it won't be pretty.

Fuck you.

I won't ride the cycle of the way it kills to think and feel
No more, no
...
I love life
But life has a boyfriend
Bless my soul
I'm out to destroy them
I want death
Death for my birthday

Breakfast: 2 cinammon pinwheels
Lunch: Half a glass of juice.
Dinner: Thai noodles
Other: 1 orange
Exercise: Lifting and carrying things
Harm: None

Don't you come near me.
Don't you come close to me.
Why don't you fear me?
Don't dance so close to me.
Don't you come near me.
Don't you come close to me.
Because they wont let me stop now.
Don't you come near me. (I'm a psycho. Whoa!)
Don't come close to me. (I'm a psycho. Whoa! )
Why don't you fear me? (I'm a psycho. Whoa!)
Don't dance so close to me. (I'm a psycho. Whoa!)

I want to push myself to my limits and see what happens.

People suck.

I don't normally cover the scars on my arms when I clean paddocks at the barn, because first and foremost it's not practical, and secondly the only people who are there in the morning when I do them don't care and are used to it.
I completely forgot that school was out today.
By eleven the barn was crawling with girls from school.
It was terrible. People kept staring. One of them pointed at them and gave me that horrid pity look. I spent the entire time trying to push a wheelbarrow from the paddocks to the dump bin while keeping my arm in such a position as to not be obvious. I felt constantly watched and like a freak.

It's not just me.
I'm not the only one that sees it, that sees what I am.
I'm so fat people are commenting on it now. I keep getting told [by multiple people] that I should join their workout group or exercise with them on their new schedule or whatever.
People don't want to talk to me or spend time with me because i'm such a moody little bitch. They smile and they nod and they 'brb' and don't return. They don't reply unless I bug them. I say we should hang out and they all say "Yeah, we should." but waffle the moment I try to actually make plans. It's not even one person or people that I don't see. It's everyone. They make excuses and lie and avoid things, because they don't want to see me. They don't want to spend time with me because I'm so ugly to look at, and because I'm annoying. I say the wrong things and do the wrong things and get on everyone's nerves. They don't want to talk to me because I'm a nasty, moody little bitch, because I whine about everything, because I say all the wrong things and irritate them.
Look at this, four blog posts in less than half a day. Whinebitchmoancomplainwhinebitchmoancomplain.
You should have cut 'fuckup' deeper, it's barely a cat scratch and it deserves to scar. How dare you forget this. How dare you allow yourself to listen to people when they say it's all in your head. It's not. it'snotit'snotit'snotit'snot.
It's all true, every last bit of it, and you just hurt people. Then you sit here and complain about it, being a whiney little bitch while never doing anything to change it. You never change and you never will.

"I see there's no point in buying cookies or anything since they're gone right away."

I am so ashamed. Ten cookies in two days. But maybe i'm wrong, maybe it's more like twenty. Or thirty. Maybe I ate the entire box.

I'm going to restrict some and see if it makes a difference. Just a little bit. Not enough to get out of control, just enough to see if that's the problem.

He tells me that he's proud of me and that I've come a long way. I'm getting better.
But he doesn't know.
He doesn't know that I still bleed and devour and play with dangerous things and thoughts. He doesn't know how much it hurts and how i've been messing up all over the place and am back to cutting at least once a week. Perhaps that's better than every day, but it's not two weeks or a month. And how I've been bingeing and losing control and fighting a losing battle with my brain for control and how nearly every night it hurts and how I wake up dreading everything in the day but one thing.
He doesn't catch me in my lies. Not when I tell him I was good or when I use different words to describe my mood than are accurate or tactfully avoid answering questions that I don't like. I've stopped telling him. He doesn't want to know, neither does anyone else. I just burden them and make myself look weak and selfish and pathetic. [which I am, but don't tell them that.] And it's not even him. It's no one. They all think I'm doing well. I'm smiling, so I must be well. I'm laughing, so my mood must be perfect. I'm talking so I must be getting better. I can hide things so I must be fine fine fine fine fine fine fine fine.
I'm fine. Really.
Good, subject change. Let's get off the subject of me. I'm sorry for saying anything.

"Have you gained weight? You look like you have. See, your jeans are stretching more there."
She points and I look. It's true. I have. Look how fat I am. Sobbling treetrunk thighs and overhanging, pregnant stomach and fatfatfatfatfat.

I'm freaking out. What do I eat? I've been trying to eat normally or properly or whatever but I don't even know what that is. So I try to eat when I'm hungry, enough to fill me up. But what's full? I don't know anymore, I feel both full and unsatisfied after everything I eat. And I'm not even sure what hunger is. I only feel it when I'm at oh-my-gawd-i'm-going-to-pass-out level of hungry. So I try to go off of other body signals - when I get lethargic and sort of ew-feeling. But maybe that's all in my mind, or I'm just tired, or I'm just bored. Do I need to eat less? Is this what that means? I haven't really been exercising, so maybe I'm eating too much for my activity level. I need to eat less, maybe. But what if I get stuck in a starve/binge cycle? [again? still?] I don't want that. I don't know what to do what do I do what do i do whatdoidowhatdoido.

As I'm writing this, I have to close the window because she comes over to talk to me.
"Are you still on your period?"
"...no?"
"Why is there blood in the toilet?"
Crap. Earlier when I cut I cleaned it with some wet kleenex and tossed it into the toilet to flush it so she wouldn't see it in the garbage. I must have forgotten to flush it.
It only takes me a moment to come up with an answer.
"The cat scratched me." I point to the Tabby. "See?" I point to a scratch on my hand from where I accidentally scraped it at the barn the day before.
"Aww, ouch! Why'd he do that?"
"I was trying to pick him up." I laugh at myself, the way I normally would when I do something silly that I know better than to do.
"Oh, it's time to trim their nails now, is it?"
"Oh. No, I think he was just trying to scratch at me, that's why."
"Oh, okay."

She then asks if I'm hungry. I'm not sure. Am I hungry? am i hungry?
amihungryamifullwhatishungryanywayswhatdoisay.
"No, I ate dinner a little while ago."

Breakfast: 1/3 cup homemade oatmeal.
Lunch: Microwave-dinner pasta
Dinner: Skipped.
Other: Smoothie, popcorn, cheese and crackers.
Exercise: None
Harm: 'Fuckup', 'Fat'.