Sixty-Two/Sixty Three

I'm so glad I went over to Sandi's yesterday. [I was only going for a few hours, but ended up staying the night] I had such a great time, for the most part. We watched V for Vendetta, and hung out, and played the "Penis game" in a grocery store. Had some great, intelligent, open conversations and I remembered why I enjoyed talking to her so much. Also, prank called McDonalds. It was hilarious.

There was some tension with her mother... she tries to analyze and read everyone, and got irritable when she wasn't able to "get a read" on me. As well as at one point, I got REALLY anxious for no reason. Went for a walk, that didn't help, so we walked over to the park [at ~11 pm] and I meditated. That helped.

One thing I've noticed is that when I get anxious, I get more...intuitive? When something is "off" I feel it more, and stronger. And I'm much more aware of things, like when I knew we shouldn't walk towards a certain area, or the fact that there is supposedly a spirit in Sandi's house. [Yes, I believe in them. Or, rather, I do not disbelieve. That would be more accurate.] It would make sense that I notice more, as a survival mechanism.

Food-wise, I am NOT happy, but I managed to avoid a complete freak out.

I miss Ari. <3 Lovelovelovelovelove.

Sixty-Two:
Despite being determined to and making the choice, I don't know if I would have ever killed myself. It doesn't feel real.
Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese
Lunch: Ravioli
Dinner: Spaghetti alfredo thing
Other: Coke, cookie dough, chocolate and strawberry mousse, dole sparkler
Excersize: Walking
Harm: None

Sixty-Three:
I can never decide whether I'm scared of the dark or not. It depends on my mood, where I am, and who I'm with. Also, how long I'm in the darkness.
Breakfast: Bagel w/butter
Lunch: Crackers w/cheese and garlic sausage
Dinner: Coca-Cola.
Other: Dole Sparkler, coke, candy
Excersize: Paddocks
Harm: None

A reminder

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relieve and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take
anymore

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face they day

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Because there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breathe again

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned its back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart

Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone

Sixty-One

Godamnit. I hate when I'm right about something being wrong.

Certain things I carry around with me all the time. From people - it's like carrying a little bit of the person with me. I get distressed if I don't have certain things with me.
Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese
Lunch: Bagel w/cheese and a very small amount of cream cheese, two oranges, a few mini shortbread cookies.
Dinner: Half a turkey salad sandwich
Other: granola bar, coke
Excersize: Paddocks.
Harm: None

I actually took time to write out my rules for life. Most of them won't make sense - they're personal. I'm more putting them here for a spot for me. If anyone wants, I will explain them.
Not in order.

1] Question everything.
2] Give until it hurts. Not until it requires surgery or kills you.
3] Killing yourself is not an option. Intentionally or not.
4] Reason and excuse are not synonymous
5] Family and blood are two different things.
6] Always try to understand.
7] Make time.
8] If it's going in a circle, it better be a circus ride.
9] Listen to what you feel, not what you think you should feel
10] War very rarely has a benefit.
11] Just because you WANT to, and you CAN, doesn't mean you HAVE to.
12] Life is once. You don't get a refund or second chance if you fuck it up.
13] A promise is kept no matter what.
14] You have control over yourself. No one else does.

Sixty

Today was better.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: Binge. Cookie dough.
Dinner: Turkey Salad Sandwich
Other: Ginger ale
Excersize: None
Harm: None

I don't feel like being eloquent.

I completely lost control and ran around the kitchen freaking about the food and counting the calories and how much I ate and freaked out.
It wasn't even that much. 860. That's a decent amount for me.
I then proceeded to try to feel better, give up on that, make excuses, and cut.
[14. 860=8+6=14]

Ugh.

I am so unimpressed with myself.

I'm sorry.

This is stupid. I have no right to get so upset over this. 
I can get upset as I want to.
Yeah, but don't fucking guilt trip him about it. 
I wasn't, I was just expressing how I feel-
Bullshit! I was guilt tripping and it's fucking retarded. I'm such a needy, pathetic little bitch.
I want to cut. 
Yes, I do. 
But I can't. 
Am I sure about that? No. 
Maybe I should text someone nearby and-
And what? Be a fucking attentionwhore? "Oh, poor me. I'm feeling sad so I'm gonna let people down and cut when I know it isn't going to help. Then I'm going to distress others about it and demand they help when they have their own things to worry about and they can't anyways" 
I just want this to be better...
Yeah, well, if I want that, I should actually want it and quit making it worse for myself.
That's totally what I'm doing right now, though. 
No, i'm arguing. There's a difference.
I'm sick of feeling this way. 
I'm so sick of Me. I'm such a needy, pathetic little girl. Such an attention whore. 
I keep making excuses, I need to snap out of thi-
Yes I do. Now quit whining.

My head makes no sense. It argues with itself yet because they're both me they're simultaneosly agreeing while disagreeing.
I don't know what I feel. I don't know what to feel.

You need to watch Waking Life.
It's a complete mindfuck. DO IT. 
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=7583894250854515095#


"So the story is the story of the cosmos now. The moment is not just a passing, empty nothing yet. And this is in the way in which these secret passages happen. Yes, it's empty with such fullness, that the great moment, the great life of the universe is pulsating in it. And each one, each object, each place, each act leaves a mark. And that story is singular. But, in fact, it's story after story."
             
"Our critique began as all critiques begin: with doubt. Doubt became our narrative. Ours was a quest for a new story, our own. And we grasp toward this new history driven by the suspicion that ordinary language couldn't tell it. Our past appeared frozen in the distance, and our every gesture and accent signified the negation of the old world and the reach for a new one. The way we lived created a new situation, one of exuberance and friendship, that of a subversive microsociety in the heart of a society which ignored it. Art was not the goal but the occasion and the method for locating our specific rhythm and buried possibilities of our time."

"Given the right circumstances, a new world was just as likely as an old one."

"There are two kinds of sufferers in this world: those who suffer from a lack of life, and those who suffer from an overabundance of life."

"What are you writing?" "A novel." "What's the story?" "There's no story. It's just...people, gestures, moments, bits of rapture, fleeting emotions. In short, the greatest stories ever told." "Are you in the story?" "I don't think so. But then I'm kind of reading it and then writing it."

"Which is the most universal human characteristic--fear or laziness?"

"And where most consider their individual relationship to the universe, I contemplate relationships of my various selves to one another."

"They say that dreams are real only as long as they last. Can't you say the same thing about life?"

"It's bad enough that you sell your waking life for for minimum wage, but now they get your dreams for free."

"I had a friend once who told me that the worst mistake that you could make...is to think that you are alive."

"If the world that we are forced to accept is false and nothing is true, then everything is possible. On the way to discovering what we love, we will find everything we hate, everything that blocks our path to what we desire. The comfort will never be comfortable for those who seek what is not on the market."

"You a dreamer?" "Yeah." "I haven't seen too many of you around lately. Things have been tough lately for dreamers."

"I don't want a straw. I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up. I don't want to be an ant, you know?"

"What's it like to be a character in a dream?"

"And so many think because "then" happens, "now" isn't. But didn't I mention the ongoing "wow" is happening right now? We are all coauthors of this dancing exuberance... where even our inabilities are having a roast. We are the authors of ourselves, coauthoring a gigantic Dostoyevsky novel starring clowns. This entire thing we're involved with called the world is an opportunity to exhibit how exciting alienation can be. Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each other's presence."

"An assumption develops that you cannot understand life and live life simultaneously. I do not agree entirely. Which is to say I do not exactly disagree. I would say that life understood is life lived. But the paradoxes bug me, and I can learn to love and make love to the paradoxes that bug me. And on really romantic evenings of self, I go salsa dancing with my confusion. Before you drift off, don't forget. Which is to say, remember."

"I'm rapturously breathing in all the odors and essences of life. I've been to the brink of total oblivion. I remember and ferment the desire to remember everything. Because remembering is so much more a psychotic activity than forgetting."

"All of life is, "No, thank you. No, thank you."Then ultimately it's, "Yes, I give in. Yes, I accept. Yes, I embrace." I mean, that's the journey. - Everyone gets to the "yes" in the end, right? - Right."

Fifty-Nine

I'm standing on a cliff, plastic bag and article of clothing for a parachute.
"Jump!" she tells me, "You'll find new life, a new destiny. A new place full of peace and happiness." she grins and gestures down to the ground, off the side of the cliff. "It's just down there." At the bottom lay a small city with a blue and pink umbrella. I stand there, peering down. Despite what she said, I know that if I jump, I will die. My makeshift parachute isn't enough. I don't, however, know if this place she describes comes with death or with reaching the city. Perhaps they are one in the same. 


She's watching. Waiting. They all are. I simply stare down. If I jump I could be gone and it would be wonderful. And I have nothing to care about up here. It's not that I was particularly upset, or hurting. It simply was boring; not enough. I want more. Down there in the city, I was told, is more. I inch closer to the edge, parachute in hand. I stare down, and raise my arms to jump. 


Wait, I think, There's something here for you. Some reason to stay up here. I can't remember what it is, though. My mind is.... foggy. Fuzzy. 


The opposing thoughts do not conflict. They mesh together, creating a larger picture that thoroughly confuses me. I'm torn with indecision. I want to go, but there's this one part of me that says NO. It does not scream. Rather, it whispers into my ear, sending alarm dowb my spine, causing doubt.


I step back from the cliff and throw the bag at her, the jacket at the other her. I race down the cliffs, surprisingly calm now that I've made my decision. You can always go back, I tell myself, knowing that that's not the case.  


On top of it all is this underlying terror of actually reaching the city below. I would rather die than land safely in the city. 




H is being too friendly. It's pissing me off. I want to be angry and block him out, and make that obvious. But I don't feel like I have a right when he's being friendly and brotherly. Not that I feel like I would have the right either way, but at least this way I would have an excuse.
"Hey, so I got my computer running and so I'll be on msn now if you want to chat." Fuck you. Why would I want to talk to you? I'm angry at you. You arrogant bastard, you just don't see. Even though I understand and you're just trying to make things right you are not helping. I give a half nod and go back to my movie.
He hugs me. "Haha, love you too kiddo. Merry Christmas." Stop hugging me, I don't like it! The only reason I'm putting up with this is it's christmas. You are NOT back in my family.  I tolerate it but cringe away slightly.
Argh.

Also, I'm sick. In the words of Dakota, "Giant hairy sweaty monkey balls". I feel cold and warm. And shakey. If I move too fast I get dizzy. And I have no appetite. I haven't thrown up but i'm worried if I eat anything more than I am I will. It doesn't help that I haven't gotten a huge amount of sleep, since I'm getting up early to take care of the dog. And I need to ride and clean paddocks twice this week. Ugh. Someone shoot me.

I would destroy any evidence of my existence if I could. But at the same time, I don't want anyone to ever forget me.


Breakfast: a few soda crackers and a mandarin orange.
Lunch: Tomato soup, soda crackers
Dinner: 4 crackers with laughing cow cheese
Other: Two scones
Excersize: None
Harm: 14 cuts.

Fifty-Eight

I get to see H and K tonight. YAY! ...not.
I'm super anxious about this =/

Breakfast: Cranberry scone
Lunch: chicken pie
Dinner: Some veggies, some grapes, a piece of cheese.
Other: mandarin oranges, apples
Excersize: None
Harm: None

I'm getting sick. All ew and no appetite.
Ugh.

Fifty-Seven

We interrupt your normally scheduled depressingness on account of it being Christmas.

--

MERRY CHRISTMAS! [to those of you that celebrate it. To those that don't, happy holidays/day everyone else celebrates christmas]
I love you guys. All of you. all of you who care enough to actually be reading this.
<3
Also, Ari, in case you didn't get my email, would it be terribly corny to say "All I want for christmas is you"...? 'cause, it's true. But it's more than that. More than anything else, I want you to be happy and okay.

I hope everyone is having a fantastic day. It's meant to be celebrated with friends and family and lovers. To quote Hastings,
"merry christmas, to those who see this. This is for those who are with me, and those no longer. For loved ones, and lost love, for friends and family, even those of petty feuds. Each and every single person has someone they love, so spend this day with them. No matter the distance, no matter the cost, be with your one person. Because it's with that one person, will you receive the greatest gift."

I'm going to resist the urge to do a food log for today. I know I ate a lot, possibly a binge and possibly not, but I'm attempting to force myself to accept it because of the day. If I freak out, fine. But I'm not recording it.

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays.
Love. <3

Fifty-Six

Agh. Something's really bothering Hastings and he won't tell me what it is because it's "not his business"
I'm worried. I always worry but I've been feeling something bad in relation to him for a while now.
=/

Also, Christmas is making me anxious. Not cool. It should be happytime.

I wish I had an excuse for my problems. Some reason that made everything make sense.


Breakfast: Cereal
Lunch: 2 mandarin oranges
Dinner: Salami and cheese sandwich
Other: Eggnog
Exercise: None
Harm: None

I'm a pushover. I act totally brave and bold, and although I may be stubborn as fuck, I'm a complete submissive pushover, and it just takes someone to stand up to me in the slightest and I crumple. 

Hung out with people today - had a good time.

Breakfast: 1 piece of raisin-toast w/butter
Lunch: Sub from Subway, medium mocha iced capp
Dinner: Pizza
Other: Granola bar, mandarin oranges, brownie
Exercise: Riding lesson, lots of walking
Harm: None

I'm sorry.

I feel sorry for everything. Absoloutely everything. I'm sorry for fucking up and being me and for all the world's problems and for being selfish and for even existing.
I'm sorry for existing.

(.imsorryomfgimsosorrysorryimsosorry.)

1 cut for fucking up and being an idiot.
1 cut for being an attentionwhore.
1 cut for being a liar.
1 cut for the act of cutting.

I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment
That's held in your arms

And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me
And throw me away

And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me
And I'm not afraid

And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

They can't tell me who to be
Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin while I keep on dreaming for me
And their words are just whispers and lies that I'll never believe

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

I'm the one now
Cause I'm still here
I'm the one
Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here 

Fifty-Five

He was dressed in all black armour on one half, and bare skin on the other. He stuck his hands into lava, until his uncovered hand was bubbling and his left hand's metal gauntlet was red hot. The little children lined up to shake hands with him, not allowed to scream as the metal burned into their flesh and he then ripped it off, taking off chunks of blackened flesh with it, and then proceeding with the next small child. 
We all decided that he was too much of a danger to live, so we stuck him in the ocean between the different worlds. But we knew he would never die, no matter what happens. So we left him to a fate of continuously drowning, feeling the pain of being unable to breathe, his lungs burning as he tried to take a breath. For the rest of his life - if that can be called a life. 
But the water turned bright red. It turned to blood and began boiling. The water level [not that it was water anymore] rose and began to engulf the miniature worlds, staining everything a darkened red colour as the people screamed in terror. We tried to escape - but it was too late. Demons in the blood swam after us, jaws snapping. 

I'm going to put one secret or confession here every day.
I am absolutely terrified. Completely. Of everything.

Breakfast: Cereal w/yogurt instead of milk
Lunch: Bagel bites
Dinner: Part of a chicken pot pie
Other: brownie, leftover punch
Exercise: Exercise bike, jumping, walking, running. [Hanners came over so we goofed around a lot]
Harm: 4 cuts.

I've noticed myself beginning to close myself off again [when I get "closed off" I don't express my emotion at all, I internalize everything, fake everything, and don't let anyone "in" I basically shut down]. Basically, what I was like last year - though not as bad. Yet. Not to that point but going that way. I'm trying to figure out why and how I can help it not get that far again.

I think it's partially because often when I talk about my emotions i'm more inclined to wallow in them[whether they're good or bad] and thus i've been trying to deal with them inwardly more - which is more natural anyways. However I think combined with my isolation from people, it's going too far.

So far, the parts i've identified as having to do with it [though i'm not sure how with all] is buildup of issues, not wanting to talk about said issues [because they're not their problems to deal with, I don't want to be always negative, I think I sound stupid, I don't like letting myself be vulnerable or showing it, expressing what i'm feeling feels wrong, and because it doesn't make sense half the time and very few people are actually able to help], because I don't want to dwell on said issues, something to do with the urge to self-destruct, and something to do with the amount of socialization I have [I need a happy medium. Too much and I get drained and withdraw into my head to deal. Too little and I get isolated, lonely, and am alone with my thoughts too much]

I think that the dissociation/derealization has a LOT to do with it, too. It's hard to not close off from people when I don't feel "here". I want a connection with people. A real emotional connection with people. Not just chatting with someone or spending time. To reach into the very guts of being and dip my arms in the living, pulsating blood, to be liquid thoughts and liquid feelings. That's so difficult, almost impossible, when I'm this detached from everything. 

Another thought - As well as as a way of destruction, and a way of keeping control, I think another reason for the eating issues is because it gives me something to focus on when I just don't care. When everything's hazy and foggy and I don't care about anything, I can obsess over the number of calories and feel hungry or full and care about that. When the dissociation and derealization is so bad everything's completely fogged over, it's something for me to care about and think about, to focus on, to make it feel more real. 

I'm making some progress on figuring myself out, but right now I need to know how to help this, to make it easier/better and where to go from here. I'm not really sure where to even begin working on this. [No, talking with The Counsellor is not an option]

I feel so alone. So very, very alone. Lonely. There's a hole in my chest, sinking into me and pulling me inside.
It's stupid. I feel like no one cares and no one will ever love me, that I'm not worth it... despite the fact that I know I'm loved.

Fucking dirt and air.

Fifty-Four

Today was good.
Then why do I feel sad and incredibly anxious?

Breakfast: 1 piece of toast w/butter
Lunch: A chunk of cheese, 1 fuze shape tropical punch drink
Dinner: A sandwich, crackers w/cheese and sausage
Other: A few carrots, a pickle, 1 in/1 in brownie, "sex-in-a-pan", punch, cookies. [I was at a party. I'm both proud of myself and disgusted with myself... but yay, progress? I ate that much and didn't binge.]
Excersize: Walking
Harm: None

But I'm all tied up on the inside
No one knows quite what I've got
And I know that on the outside
What I used to be, I'm not
Anymore

You know I've heard about people like me
But I never made the connection
They walk one road to set them free
And find they've gone the wrong direction

I walk into the kitchen. I'm hungry, I think, and open the fridge. I see nothing appetizing or really acceptable.
I move to the cupboard. The door creaks as I pull it open. Food?
Food.
FOOD?
...
No.
Nothing there is okay either. I take out something, examine it, and put it back.
Repeat process.
Again.
and again.
Fridge - look. No. Cupboard - look. No.

I'm not hungry. Nevermind.

For those days we felt like a mistake
Those times when love's what you hate
Somehow
We keep marchin on

For those nights when I couldn't be there
I've made it harder to know that you know
That somehow
We'll keep movin on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we've made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care if we bend, I'd sink us to swim
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For those doubts that swirl all around us
For those lives that tear at the seams
We know
We're not what we've seen

For this dance we'll move with each other
There ain't no other step than one foot
Right in front of the other

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

For all of the plans we've made
There isn't a flag I'd wave
Don't care if we bend, I'd sink us to swim

We're marching on
We're marching on
We're marching on

Right, right, right left
Right, right, right left
Right, right, right
We're marching on

We'll have the days we break
And we'll have the scars to prove it
We'll have the bombs that we save
But we'll have the heart not to lose it

For all of the times we've stopped
For all of the things I'm not

We put one foot in front of the other
We move like we ain't got no other
We go where we go
We're marchin on
Marchin on

There's so many wars we fought
There's so many things we're not
But with what we have, I promise you that
We're marchin on
We're marchin on
We're marchin on

Right, right, right left
Right, right, right left
Right, right, right
We're marchin on

Right, right, right left
Right, right, right left
Right, right, right
We're marchin on

And now the ghosts are on the porch.
Got knives in hand, oh no, I think I've seen this before.

I want to hurt myself more.
I don't want to eat.

I'm home alone. Not good.

Breakfast: Bagel w/butter
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Skipped
Other: Binge.
Excersize: None
Harm: None

I get attached to people very easily. I hate it. I come across as needy and clingy. And I hate how it hurts when they don't care or take advantage of it. Or don't realise and them I get upset. While at the same time getting angry at myself for being so attached.
My first response is to build up all sorts of barriers and try to keep myself at a slight distance from them. When someone eventually tries to break that down I tend to snap or try to push them away even harder.
I'm currently somewhat in that stage, and having a huge war with myself about it.

I'm going to whine now. "Oh woe is me life is so unfair I'm so hard done by, yada yada blah blah blah..."

I'm sick of always being the odd one out.
I'm sick of never fitting in.
I'm sick of being left out of things because no one wants me there.
I hate feeling so isolated.
I hate it when people pretend to be my friends out of pity.

I hate it when my self-hate is proven true.

ETA:
It feels absoloutely great to have someone give up on you.
Great.
Just great.
...
It's fucking terrifying.
I'm trying to get better, I swear. I don't want it to be accepted, or let slide.
.... please, don't give up on me.

...

Also, I am such a fucktard.

Fifty-Two

Today sucked food-wise.
I miss Ari.
I'm dreading christmas.
I feel so isolated from everything.
I'm so stressed.
I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen. In more than one way... Meaning more than one thing.
Fuck.
Fuck it all.

Breakfast: Two pieces of toast with nutella, three mini mandarin oranges
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Wendy's. DFGIODFGIODFGIOHGDFO. I wanted to purge this SO bad. The only reason I didn't is because I couldn't. Mom was home. Too much. Way too much.
Other: Glass of eggnog, 3/4 can of ginger ale, a bite of a granola bar.
Excersize: Paddocks, walking.
Harm: None. I cut. Didn't have anything sharp enough - it's at the other house - so I ripped at my skin [mostly scars] with scissors.

I don't feel like today should count for eating properly. I guess it really wasn't THAT bad, but I skipped lunch then ate Wendy's. Which doesn't feel right.

Opinions, anyone?

Fifty/Fifty-One

Fifty.
50.
Five-zero.
...
Can I just say, WHAT THE FUCK.

Anyways.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: Granola bar, mandarin orange
Dinner: Half a bottle of pepsi.
Other: 2 1/2 mandarin oranges, juice, eggnog, an apple
Excersize: Paddocks.
Harm: None

---

I can't believe I won't be able to talk to Ari for two weeks. This is gonna be hard.

I'm in a really emotional mood right now. I think it's in part due to detaching somewhat while at the barn to "force" myself into being happy. So right now all bottled up emotion is coming out and everything is affecting me reall strongly.

I promised Ari that while we weren't talking I'd call myself beautiful every day.
I promised.
To make sure I remember, I'll put it here. Otherwise I know I'll forget.

Self, whether you disagree or not and see it or not, someone thinks you're beautiful and because one's perception is their reality, even if it's not true for you it's true for someone else, thus making it true. So, you're beautiful.

Breakfast: Bagel w/butter
Lunch: IDEK. Barn christmas party. Lotsa food. I didn't binge but I'm not happy with what I ate either. And at the moment I'm in a fairly good mood and don't want to think about it.
Dinner: Another bagel. Imaginative.
Other: Iced tea, juice.
Excersize: Easy ride
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 7
Days without self-harming: 12

Scars of Time

Scars of time left on my skin along with those I've kept within

Knowing some will never heal they're filled with salt to keep me real

Conquering

Scars tells where I've been

There are so many people who need my help. So many people to hold up. Everyone around me is drowning and I have to be the lifeguard. And I would never want them to not come to me with their problems. Ever. Because I can tell when something's wrong even when no one else can and that will make me worry. And they need to talk to someone, and i'm willing and might even be able to help.
But it's hard.
Why do I always have to be the strong one?
adsosdosdhuogfuhfiosfdasdapisiapwjduehijfdudfijogidogfifgidsosdhoseieuysrs.
That is all.

The ghost inside my head, it never sleeps
It just rearranges thoughts and leaves me numb for weeks
But I'm okay, yeah I feel fine
Because I know there's more than one way to lose my mind


Zombietiger. Rawr. Walk through day. Buy christmas. Gorge food. Sit on ass. Stare into space. Eat Brain.

...

I have no idea why I am so tired. I slept seven hours [my body's natural happy amount] and I went to bed early.

Breakfast: 2 pieces raisin toast
Lunch: Cereal
Dinner: Bagel Bites
Other: 3 french fries, a brownie
Excersize: Walking - up/downhill through a forest
Harm: None

Days eating properly:6
Days without self-harming: 10
And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me
And I'm not afraid

Forty-Nine

It was 5 am, and I was looking up at the stars. 
It's funny how small I seem, with the great open sky above me. How the stars and the moon and the night sky can connect others yet seperate them. So small in comparison to the wide world. Yet despite the distance we are all connected. It's like a giant map. A connect-the-dots puzzle sheet, and if you connect the dots just right, it opens you up to another world, a way of moving throughout the cosmos to wherever your heart desires. A hidden blueprint to the world that can only be unlocked by your mind. 


Breakfast: Raisin toast, yogurt.
Lunch: 6 bagel bites
Dinner: chicken pot pie
Other: Brownie, cereal
Excersize: None
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 5
Days without self-harming: 9


I've been eating a ton.

Forty-Eight

Breakfast: 1 cinamon-raisin bagel with butter.
Lunch: 4 bagel bites.
Dinner: 1 medium apple
Other: eggnog, a brownie.
Excersize: Walking
Harm: None. Sol was over and he found and hid all my cutting utensils.

Days eating properly: 4
Days without self-harming: 8

Stuffs

There is no clarity. Everything swirls. The old rules are no longer binding, the old truths no longer true. Right spills over into wrong. Order blends into chaos, love into hate, ugliness into beauty, law into anarchy, civility into savagery. The vapors suck you in. You can’t tell where you are, or why you’re there, and the only certainty is absolute ambiguity. In war you lose your sense of the definite, hence your sense of truth itself

I've been thinking a lot recently. I've noticed a habit that I have in my thoughts - ones I've always had. I have this mindset of accepting life because i'm expecting to wake up. As a different person. I'll find myself thinking of impossible things. One example of this is hearing someone singing beautifully, and thinking "Someday when I have a voice like her's..." even though it's not trainable, plus she is an entirely different person than me. Or, "Next time I'm a little kid, I'll ______" even though that requires going back in time. Things like that. Little things I'll catch myself thinking that make no sense. I've always done this, at least as far as I can remember.
It's like this is a dream and I'm simply waiting to wake up. And when that happens I'll be a different person with a different life. Like this is a dream, or maybe a trial run [Despite the fact that I don't really believe in reincarnation]

You’d feel cheated if it never happened. Without the grounding reality, it’s just a trite bit of puffery, pure Hollywood, untrue in the way all such stories are untrue. Yet even if it did happen—and maybe it did, anything’s possible—even then you know it can’t be true, because a true war story does not depend upon that kind of truth. Happeningness is irrelevant. A thing may happen and be a total lie; another thing may not happen and be truer than the truth.

H and K were at the house over the weekend [while I was at Mother's]. This bothers me. A lot. It reminds me of how much it hurts. And because I'm using anger to deal with that, my brain goes "NO. YOU'RE NOT FAMILY TO ME ANYMORE. GTFO." even though they are family, and have every right to visit here. But I hate the idea of them being here. In my space. Around the house. Reminding my of the pain they caused.

Typing this, I know I sound stupid, but isn't that what this blog is for?

And now for a really long ramble that probably won't make much sense to any of you.
I was talking to a friend and she wrote this. It makes so much sense to me. A complete mindfuck.

Did you know that everything in the universe that organizes itself, organizes fractally?  Atoms, quarks, the structure of the human brain and the structure of the universe, microbiotic behavior and macrobiotic behavior...all of it is part of a series of fractal structures repeating themselves from the microbial and atomic right up to the truly massive and possibly even the extra-universal (things outside this universe).

Cancers in the human body develop different angular protrusions in the interior vein structure which are different from the angles which th rest of the body organizes itself using.  These growths are also, again, fractal.  Veins splitting off smaller veins and off smaller veins...but always, all the way down, you find the same angle re-appearing again and again.

http://resources.schoolscience.co.uk/abpi/asthma/images/lung_blood_vessels.jpg

Microbes gathering together into multi-cellular organisms which gather together into larger organisms which gather together into even larger beings, diversifying and growing...but always constructed of those smaller beings.  The impulses of those smaller beings don't change.  They still want to eat, to gather together for warmth, to breed, to grow.  Human beings are VERY complex.  We have those same impulses.  On a macro (very large) scale, we still have those impulses.  Some people are the 'protective' system for this giant human organism.  You can break down civilizatio like you break down the body and the metaphor maintains.  Information can be like a virus.  Government can be like a brain, but if government gets sick or one part of it starts demanding more blood...it's like if your foot started demanding more blood one day.  You'd start to have problems very quickly with that.

It's all information really.  Energy.  Your body, your mind, are operationally a method for transferring and distributing information.  When a cell gets a bad piece of information and stops moving information past that point, you get ill.  Above that, when some part of civilization stops moving information...the Government, the military, the school system...any of these things which are composed of their own cells and organs but all of which make up an information ecosystem...when these things stop moving information they get sick and become destructive in the same way a cell in the body becomes cancerous.

Viruses infect a cell with a bad information, then copy that bad information.  You can think of all the different ways one person can infect another and how whole groups of people can become infected with dangerous, destructive information.  Human beings have immune systems on the cellular level and in the intellectual parts of their brain to ward off bad information but sometimes that malfunctions and they get some sickness of being, whether it be a completely illogical idea (Like objectivism) or an old idea that starts off helpful to our survival but becomes dangerous over time (religion).

People like you and I are like...the part of a cell that wants to gather together with other cells except we do it on an interpsonal, human level.  We also act as a sort of 'information filter'.  We can get infected with bad ideas but we've got VERY strong informational immune systems.  On a global super-scale, we are the part of the living being which unites a single cell into a multi-cellular life-form.  It's no accident we enjoy saturation in information, networking, healing, and fixing

Another part of this is...well, there have never been enough of us to really bring the human body together...as in, the body that is mankind.  Even if we were one in one hundred (which we're not.  INFJ's are barely 1% of the population.  Less in most places.)  Until this century, we were never likely to meet each other.  If a village had 100 people and 1 of them was like you and I, we might meet and know EVERY one of those people and take our whole lives getting to know them but never meet someone like you or me.  It wasn't until the world population started climbing this century and until mass communication made it possible to have a village of hundreds of thousands that it was even a likelihood that you or I would meet each other or persons like ourselves

We could exist within a blackhole.  Our universe contains black-holes that contain singularities and it's been postulated that within those black-holes other universes exist.  A fractal system in the very fabric of space-time.  We could be surrounded by a gravitational shell (an event horizon) which keeps us, for now, from interacting with the outside universes...all of them...stretching to sizes so great we are barely imagineable in our smallness to beings that would exist in those cosmos...
Scientists this year has postulated that this is actually probably how things are.
http://www.meh.ro/original/2009_12/meh.ro1080.jpg

Forty-Seven

I need out of this house. Badly. But I don't want to wander around aimlessly and that's pretty much my only option right now.

Breakfast: An apple
Lunch: Chicken pot pie.
Dinner: TBA
Other: Juice, cookies, a tiny bowl of oatmeal, crackers.
Excersize: A small amount of walking
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 3
Days without self-harming: 7

Forty-Six

Breakfast: Slept through
Lunch: Bagel w/butter
Dinner: pork roast sandwich
Other: eggnog, juice, mini honey oranges
Excersize: None
Harm: None.

Days eating properly: 2
Days without self-harming: 6

I couldn't tell you why she felt that way,
She felt it everyday.
And I couldn't help her,
I just watched her make the same mistakes again.

What's wrong, what's wrong now?
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Open your eyes and look outside, find the reasons why.
You've been rejected, and now you can't find what you left behind.
Be strong, be strong now.
Too many, too many problems.
Don't know where she belongs, where she belongs.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

Her feelings she hides.
Her dreams she can't find.
She's losing her mind.
She's fallen behind.
She can't find her place.
She's losing her faith.
She's fallen from grace.
She's all over the place.
Yeah,oh

She wants to go home, but nobody's home.
It's where she lies, broken inside.
With no place to go, no place to go to dry her eyes.
Broken inside.

She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah
She's lost inside, lost inside...oh oh yeah

Fourty-Five

You know I always stay up without sleeping,
And think to myself,
Where do I belong forever,
In whose arms, the time and place?

Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese
Lunch: PJ&J sandwich... not my choice and thus was very unappealing.
Dinner: Pork sandwhich.
Other: Honey orange, juice, a bite of a granola bar, eggnog, cookie.
Excersize: Cleaning paddocks, walking
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 1
Days without self-harming: 5

Can't help it if I space in a daze,
My eyes tune out the other way,
I may switch off and go in a day dream,
In this head my thoughts are deep,
But sometimes I can't even speak,
Will someone be and not pretend
I'm off again in my World

-sigh-

Forty-Four

Today sucks.

It's stupid to feel so alone... I'm not, really, I know. But I can't help but feel this...hole. Alone. Like there's this black hole of a barrier seperating me from everyone and everything else.

I miss good times. They seem so far away. Like everything is just shit and won't get better. Like this is life, now. I don't have good times anymore. I mean... I do, but they're not really. They're pale imitations of the real thing.

Gawd, this is such a whiney post.

Honestly, if I didn't have a few major reasons for living [ie, "People"] I'd be feeling suicidal again. It's the same feeling of hopeless loneliness that almost drove me over the edge last time[s?]. I wouldn't go through with it... I wouldn't be able to do that to anyone, least of all Ari. And it's not even that I want to die. I want to live. But I can't, I just...exist. I walk through the pale imitations of life, isolated, lonely, and most of all, completely detached. The dissociation and derealization is back again REALLY badly...equal to the worst it was at. I feel hopeless, too, like nothing will get better. Like i'm spiralling downwards again... even though I'm trying to get better. I think it syncs up with this feeling of dread I have that something bad is going to happen, and it's drawing closer. I've learned to trust myself when I get those feelings. That combined with the other emotions, just makes me feel like i'm slipping again, and it's going to keep getting worse, beyond my control. If it was in my control it would be fine...but it's not... it just feels hopeless.

Blah.

Breakfast [7 am]: Two small pieces of multigrain toast with butter, medium banana, strawberry yogurt.
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: [8 pm]: Medium apple, a few crackers.
Other: Binge, after "dinner".
Excersize: 6 1/2 hours of hard cleaning paddocks.
Harm: None.

Days eating properly: 0
Days without self-harming: 4

Forty-Three

I'm suer proud of Ari's decision this morning. <3

Ugh, what is wrong with me. I've been bingeing every day. And not even doing anything about it. It's not good... and yet, I keep thinking it would be better if I was bingeing as long as I was doing something to counter it. Which is stupid, because either way it's completely unhealthy. But I feel like if I was doing something [even though it's just as self-destructive, if not worse] to counter it, things would be better. Perhaps because it would then be balanced? I thikn that's it. It would be balanced out with something to make it even.
Also, I've been sleeping more than normal.
I think I might get my period early. That would make sense.

Breakfast: Slept through it.
Lunch: Small bowl of cereal, strawberry yogurt, banana.
Dinner: Chicken pot pie, brownie.
Other: Binge
Excersize: None [That's another thing, I haven't been excersizing. dfghdfughfdug.]
Harm: None.

Days eating properly: 0
Days without self-harming: 3

Why am I here if you’re there
So far away it’s not fair
To be without you like this
I miss you more than you know
The nights are long
The days slow
Without the warmth of your kiss
Wish you were back here with me
Cause out my window
All is see is

Rain , rain in the sky
Everywhere I look my eyes see
Rain , rain fallin down
Crying as it hits the ground
Rain , rain in my heart
Every day that were apart
Rain , rain
Falling rain , rain
Rain , rain
Only rain , rain

The sun is strong when you’re near
But when you’re gone it disappears
Behind an ocean of blue
The telephones not good enough
It cant reach out it cant touch
Me like the way you do
Wish you would knock at my door
Cause only you can stop the pouring

Rain , rain in the sky
Everywhere I look my eyes see
Rain , rain fallin down
Crying as it hits the ground
Rain , rain in my heart
Every day that were apart
Rain , rain
Falling rain , rain
Rain , rain
Only rain , rain



Maybe ill go outside
And walk beneath the clouds
Pretend it’s you thats watching over me
This isnt the only thing that comes
Between us now
Baby soon well be together

Oooo
( everywhere I look I see rain )
( everywhere I look I see rain )
Rain
( everywhere I look I see rain )
Everywhere I look I see rain
( everywhere I look I see rain )
Rain
( everywhere I look I see rain )
Rain
( rain , rain in the sky )
( everywhere I look my eyes see rain )
Rain
( rain falling down )
Down
( crying as it hits the ground )
Dont , don’t let it hit the ground
( rain , rain in my heart everyday that were apart )
( rain , rain )
Rain
( falling rain, rain )
Rain
( rain, rain )

Everywhere I look I see rain
Everywhere I look I see rain
But I don’t see you
Youre not near me
I need you ¡­ ooo
Rain
Itll never be the same
If you don’t stop the rain                                                                                 

There was a girl who came from a place between places and her name was Terrible Things.

If you cut me, would I bleed? 
Or would fog drift out of my skin,
flowing out into the air and disappearing? 


My feet make soft echoes with each step, shadow following me.  
A million drops pelt my skin, running down my face. 
They go right through me, sinking into the damp ground.  


If you beat me, would I bruise? 
Or would you go inside of me,
flowing through my veins and out again without leaving a mark? 


This house feels empty.
I walk through it....but I'm not here. 
I am a ghost, a phantom, 
wandering through dimly lit halls.


If you shocked me, 
I wonder,
would I feel it? 


It's all out of focus. Out of touch.


Grey. 


What would I give, to see with my eyes, 
to hear with my ears.
To touch with my skin rather than my mind. 
Or would I? 


I think... therefore I am?
Do I think? 
...Am I?


If you broke me, would I shatter? 

Forty-Two

I had a nightmare last night. There was a bleeding, scarred up monster. You saved me from it. I don't know more than that, I don't know how... but you made it go away.
Thank you, Love. <3

Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: Chicken pot pie
Dinner: Binge.
Other:
Excersize: Walking
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 0
Days without self-harming: 2


When I see your smile
Tears run down my face
I can't replace
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out

How this world turns cold
And breaks through my soul
And I know, I'll find deep inside me
I can be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

It's okay, it's okay, it's okay

Seasons are changing and waves are crashing
And stars are falling all for us
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter
I can show you, I'll be the one

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

'Cause you're my, you're my, my
My true love, my whole heart
Please don't throw that away

'Cause I'm here for you
Please don't walk away
And please tell me, you'll stay, stay

Use me as you will
Pull my strings just for a thrill
And I know, I'll be okay
Though my skies are turning gray

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever
I'll be there for you through it all
Even if saving you sends me to Heaven

I will never let you fall
I'll stand up with you forever

...Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te toca. 
Parece que los ojos se te hubieran volado
y parece que un beso te cerrara la boca.


Como todas las cosas estan llenas de mi alma
emerges de las cosas, llena del alma mia.
Mariposa de sueno, te pareces a mi alma,
y te pareces a la palabra melancolia. 


Y estas como quejandote, mariposa en arrullo.
Y me oyes desde lejos, y mi voz no te alcanza:
dejame que me calle con el silencio tuyo.


Dejame que te hable tambien con tu silencio
claro como una lampara, simple como un anillo.
Eres como la noche, callada y constelada.
Tu silencio es de estrella, tan lejano y sencillo.


...Distante y dolorosa como si hubieras muerto. 
Una palabra entonces, una sonrisa bastan.
Y estoy alegre, alegre de que no sea cierto.


[...and you hear me from far away, and my voice does not touch you. 
It looks as though your eyes had flown away
and it looks as if a kiss had sealed your mouth.


Like all things are full of my soul
You emerge from the things, full of my soul.
Dream butterfly, you look like my soul,
and you look like a melancoly word. 




It is as though you are complaining, butterfly in lullaby.
And you hear me from far away, and my voice does not reach you:
let me fall quiet with your own silence.


Let me also speak to you with your silence
Clear like a lamp, simple like a ring.
You are like the night, quiet and constellated.
Your silence is of a star, so far away and solitary. 


...Distant and painful as if you had died. 
A word then, a smile is enough.
And I am happy, happy that it is not true.]  

Forty-One

Today is a new day, and it is going to be awesome.

Breakfast: 1 piece of toast with butter, a raspberry yogurt, a banana.
Lunch: Oatmeal
Dinner: WAY too much pizza ....binge? Or no? ODFHGUHD I DON'T KNOW
Other: A brownie
Excersize: Walking, excersize bike
Harm:  None

Days eating properly: 0?
Days without self-harming: 1

She's bitching at me again. Good to know I deserve that.

This just enforces what I already believe. I shouldn't eat, I shouldn't be happy, and I am selfish and a liar.
And I always do everything wrong.
Great. Good to know.

Forty

So apparently i'm wrong to care about my friends, wrong to eat, wrong to be a good host, wrong to have fun, I'm a slob and selfish, I'm immature, I should fend for myself, and I should never forget anything I do is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Wrong.
I'm wrong. I always am.

I'm annoying, I'm a bitch, I lie, I manipulate, I lose it on people for no reason, I eat too much, I don't talk, I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm too loud or too quiet and say the wrong things, I can't function like a normal person, I have super strong mood swings, I'm nosy, I'm dumb and yet act so superior to everyone else, I'm selfish, I'm irritating, I'm too weird, insane, and fucked up.... I could go on. Notice the overuse of the word "I'm" ....self-centered bitch.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal. Not my food... too much. Fatty. 
Lunch: Pizza. DEFINITELY not my food, I apparently should not have eaten it. I should punish myself for it somehow. And maybe purge it, even though I generally don't do that. 
Dinner:  Skipped.
Other: Juice, way too much coca-cola, a marshmallow, BINGE.
Excersize: Being hyper, laughing. ...sort of.
Harm: 125 cuts, shallow. Also, I think I may have very minor burns from turning the heat on the shower up too high.

.fuckingfattybitchliarslobselfishstupiduglylazyselfcenteredmeanimmaturefuckingfatasscuntfacedbitch.

Days eating properly: 3 0
Days without self-harming: 6 0

Thirty-Nine

Everything I eat today feels like a lot. Too much. I feel full and bloated and gross.

Breakfast: Baking powder biscuit w/butter
Lunch: Bagel w/cream cheese and cheese
Dinner: Caesar salad w/pork roast
Other: Juice, pepsi
Excersize: Absoloutly none
Harm: None.

Days eating properly: 3
Days without self-harming: 6

Thirty-Eight

I didn't get out of bed till 2 pm today. Not because I was asleep, but because I just didn't feel like it. I felt lonely so I lay there and imagined that I had someone [<3] beside me.
Also, I think I'm getting too attached to and dependant on people in my life. [Not Ari] I think this needs to be changed, but i'm wary of going too far with that [again] and getting too distanced from people.

Breakfast: Skipped due to time
Lunch: Ham and cheese sandwich
Dinner: 1 mini pizza
Other: Glass of sparkling iced tea, 3 mandarin oranges
Excersize: Walking
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 2
Days without self-harming: 5

Thirty-Seven

I'm going crazy

Cause there are things in the streets I don't believe

So we'll pretend it's alright (pretend it's alright)

and stay in for the night

Oh what a world

I'll keep you safe here with me (with me)

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did

I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it

If you didn't have this chance then I never did

You'll always find me right there, again

Last night when I went out to say good night to the moon, I looked all over for it, but clouds were in the way. Then something caught my eye... on the road was one of those circular streetlights. The ones with white orbs with the light inside. For a second there, I thought it was the moon. I thought the moon had fallen to the road and that that would mean Ari was here. She had gone to also say good night to the moon and it had lifted her up and carried her here to my arms. I looked around, sure she must be here. I almost ran a block over in the early morning, in my PJs, just to look for her, before I realised it was just a street light and that dirt and air were still in the way.


Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: Apple fritter
Dinner: Ham and cheese sandwich
Other: Juice
Excersize: Paddocks, riding lesson
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 1
Days without self-harming: 4

They've got me on the outside, looking in

But I can't see at all

With the weight of the world on my shoulders,

They just wanna see me fall

Have faith in me

I said I'd never let you go, and I never did

I said I'd never let you fall and I always meant it

If you didn't have this chance then I never did

You'll always find me right there, again

On the outside looking in

Day Thirty-Six

School concert tonight. I know it's going to depress me to go watch. If I had been better, if I was better now, if I had at least pretended things were okay, like last year, that could have been me in band. Instead i'm a freak. I could be in the music department with friends, but instead i'm at home, not participating. It's going to kill me to see them smiling and singing and playing and the directors grinning when they play a particularly difficult piece well. To see D dancing around when she conducts.
It'll make me just as sad if I don't go, so I might as well go and hear them, and support the music dept. that I should be a part of.

Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch:  Skipped
Dinner: Skipped
Other: An apple, a few baked dill pickle chips
Excersize: Walking
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 4  0
Days without self-harming: 3

Day Thirty-Five

I'm so worried for Ari. I always worry, since this is ME we're talking about, and I care about her. But with recent events..... -sigh- Love, I hope you're okay <3

I've been feeling...weird, recently. There's no way around it. Just... weird. I like that I have my own area now, though. The entire downstairs area is mine, with the exception of the basement. Now, if I could only get people to leave me alone more [*coughmygrandmacough*] it'd be great.

I'm trying to feel real. I'm supposedly "living" now...right? It doesn't feel like it. I'm trying to feel here. I really am. I'm trying to care about things and feel the world. It's not working. Everything's fake. I'm fake. The world isn't real. It's somewhere in my mind, behind this fog.

I think i'm going to stop going to therapy. The only reason im going is to put others at ease and off my back about stuff. Reading The Counsellor was fun but now i've got him figured out, so it's boring. I'm not learning anything and i'm more or less incapable of not lying about shit.
Not to mention I AM getting better, albeit slowly, on my own. So i'm told, anyways.

Breakfast: A brownie and a yogurt. Healthy, 'eh? =P
Lunch: Med. Iced Capp.
Dinner: Bagel Bites
Other:
Excersize: An hour of hard walking
Harm:


Days eating properly: 4
Days without self-harming: 2

 Her skin is white cloth,
and she's all sewn apart
and she has many colored pins
sticking out of her heart.

She has many different zombies
who are deeply in her trance.
She even has a zombie
who was originally from France.


But she knows she has a curse on her,
a curse she cannot win.
For if someone gets
too close to her,

the pins stick farther in.

Life isn't easy
for the Pin Cushion Queen.
When she sits alone on her throne
Pins push through her spleen.

Day Thirty-Four

Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: A few crackers with cheese
Dinner: Chicken pot pie
Other: A brownie
Excersize: None
Harm: None

Days eating properly: 3
Days without self-harming: 1

Day Thirty-Three

Apparently i'm a selfish ungrateful spoiled little brat who never keeps her word and doesn't care about anyone but myself.

I felt like crap, but once I got out of the house to hang out with some people, it felt better. I miss seeing people.

Also, I moved my room into my Dad's old one. Finally. I'm loving it, the amount of space is awesome and I finally got all my posters up.

Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese, scarfed down while walking from my Mom's to my Grandma's to talk to Ari.
Lunch/Dinner/Other: IDEK.
Excersize: Walking, riding Leroy
Harm: 3 shallow cuts

Days eating properly: 2
Days without self-harming: 12 0