Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
'Cause I will be gone
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Sing to me
Sing to me
I don't want to wake up
On my own anymore
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well, there must be
Well ...
Bye bye
Bye bye
Bye ...
Can I please just sleep for the rest of forever? Skip time?
That's what I want. To just curl up away, safe somewhere, while time passes me by so I don't have to deal.
Everything's changing. Everything but me. I can't help it, I can't stop it, I can't control it. I don't like it. It scares me.
The world is sneaking up on me. And not slowly.
allatonce.
People are leaving and new people are there and school and work and LIFE are approaching and I'm supposed to be making changes to make this work and I'm not and I either can't or won't.
Everything is frightening, and hurts, and I don't want to.
I don't want to do this anymore.
Can I please just skip everything?
I don't want to wake up tomorrow. I don't want to wake up ever again but I would settle for a time where things are 'better'...whatever that means.
I want to hide.
I want to die.
No, that's not quite right.
I don't want to die.
I don't want to live.
- - -
On an unrelated note, someone asked me what negative personality characteristics I have.
I limited myself to a very small rant and only basics.
I'm not a nice person. And maybe that would be okay, if I was intelligent or something. But I'm not. I'm terrible. I'm selfish, needy, pathetic, lazy, hypocritical, weak, a liar, spoiled, stupid, and unwise. I'm both emotionally and physically ugly, disgusting, and I can never do anything right. Everything's always about me - either I ramble about myself or bring everyone down with my negative emotions and never give anything in return. I can't think or feel anything right. If I'm in a bad mood, I snap and in general be a nasty little bitch. If there's an easy way out, i'll take it. that is, unless I'm being a stubborn, spoiled brat and start arguments because I can't bear to be wrong. And I'm nearly always wrong. I complain and complain and complain and never do anything to fix it. I'm a hypocrite. I whine about people all the time when it's really about the same qualities I myself possess. I sit around all day and do nothing productive for the only reason that I don't feel like it. I leave all the work to other people and eat all the food and expect people to pay for my very survival. I make all these excuses about why I can't do this and about recovery and things being unhealthy for me and blah blah blah when really I'm just too weak and pathetic to manage anything. Life, school, being around people, being around myself, anything. I make the stupidest decisions and then blame others for my misfortune while still bringing people down with my guilt and self-hating emotions. I'm fake and I lie far too much. I can't hold a normal conversation with anyone to save my life and always seem to mess things up with people because they can't handle me... and why should I expect them to? It's selfish of me to expect people to deal with me and my issues. I don't contribute anything to the world or people around me and am pretty damn useless.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Friday, April 22, 2011
I suppose I should update this.
The Breakdown is growing closer, I can tell [I consider this mostly a good thing]. On wednesday I went to Hastings'. I ended up having a panic attack/minor meltdown on their couch for a few hours. Luckily Hastings is one of the few people who's actually able to help, and he was there for me through it, as was Aki.
I'm scared about sunday. We're having a family get-together dinner thing. I don't want to go. I can't talk there and I know people will be expecting me to. I don't want to deal with that, and their disappointment when I don't. I'll end up sitting antisocially in a corner, and that's uncomfortable and awefpoorpgkfdfokg. Also, last time we had a dinner there, my uncle kept making fun of me for how much I ate. Whatifthathappensagain?HowmuchdoIeat?ASfosiwejfejfoefkpowekf.
Hopefully Hastings can come, but he probably has to work.
It's been a week off from two months since I've actually talked to Ari.
This upsets me. Bothers me.
Oh well, I guess. Fuck time [and dirt and air], yes?
♥
I'm not really sure what else to write here. I feel like I should, but..bleh. Those are the only things that matter right now, anyways.
The Breakdown is growing closer, I can tell [I consider this mostly a good thing]. On wednesday I went to Hastings'. I ended up having a panic attack/minor meltdown on their couch for a few hours. Luckily Hastings is one of the few people who's actually able to help, and he was there for me through it, as was Aki.
I'm scared about sunday. We're having a family get-together dinner thing. I don't want to go. I can't talk there and I know people will be expecting me to. I don't want to deal with that, and their disappointment when I don't. I'll end up sitting antisocially in a corner, and that's uncomfortable and awefpoorpgkfdfokg. Also, last time we had a dinner there, my uncle kept making fun of me for how much I ate. Whatifthathappensagain?HowmuchdoIeat?ASfosiwejfejfoefkpowekf.
Hopefully Hastings can come, but he probably has to work.
It's been a week off from two months since I've actually talked to Ari.
This upsets me. Bothers me.
Oh well, I guess. Fuck time [and dirt and air], yes?
♥
I'm not really sure what else to write here. I feel like I should, but..bleh. Those are the only things that matter right now, anyways.
 |
| Here's me. I look like crap, complete with dark eyes - courtesy of my recent lack of sleep. |
Monday, April 11, 2011
4 cuts, right hip. Not severe at ALL [they're shallower and slimmer than most], but inconveniently placed and as such, are into adipose, barely above bone.
It hurts like a bitch.
I have no impulse control.
- - -
I've been ignoring my emotions again. Pushing myself too hard and shoving my emotions to the side. I know that soon - a few weeks, tops - I'll have a complete burnout. It's going to be bad.
I can't wait, though. I hate this uneasiness. Whenever I'm not actively doing something, I get so restless and uneasy. And when I am doing things, I'm incredibly detached. I'm getting rather sick of it, and even if when I breakdown it's going to be absolutely terrible, at least it'll be over with and I'll have something legitimate to complain about and feel bad about. And it's gotta be better than this... 'off'ness.
It hurts like a bitch.
I have no impulse control.
- - -
I've been ignoring my emotions again. Pushing myself too hard and shoving my emotions to the side. I know that soon - a few weeks, tops - I'll have a complete burnout. It's going to be bad.
I can't wait, though. I hate this uneasiness. Whenever I'm not actively doing something, I get so restless and uneasy. And when I am doing things, I'm incredibly detached. I'm getting rather sick of it, and even if when I breakdown it's going to be absolutely terrible, at least it'll be over with and I'll have something legitimate to complain about and feel bad about. And it's gotta be better than this... 'off'ness.
Friday, April 8, 2011
awekjfdopiaedopkewdokefo[psrfk[osdfk.
I had a thought, the other day, that if I cut on bony areas, I could cut through flesh instead of just surface scratch-type things.
This thought won't leave my mind.
It's a terrible idea, but I want to cut on top of where my hipbones are. It would only take 1/8 - 1/4 of an inch to reach bone.
You. Stop it. You don't need this. You just want it and it's a stupid thing to want. Not to mention you don't want the pain and annoyance that comes afterwards, even if you think you deserve it.
And no, arguing with me won't do any good.
...I still want it. >_>
I had a thought, the other day, that if I cut on bony areas, I could cut through flesh instead of just surface scratch-type things.
This thought won't leave my mind.
It's a terrible idea, but I want to cut on top of where my hipbones are. It would only take 1/8 - 1/4 of an inch to reach bone.
You. Stop it. You don't need this. You just want it and it's a stupid thing to want. Not to mention you don't want the pain and annoyance that comes afterwards, even if you think you deserve it.
And no, arguing with me won't do any good.
...I still want it. >_>
Monday, April 4, 2011
Stuff to think about.
Here's a convo with me and a friend the other day:
---
Chessie: "When did yoou decide to go back to school?"
Tiger: "That was the decision when I decided that I would take this semester off. So, months ago. January? Something like that."
Chessie:"Has going back been in your mind a lot lately?"
Tiger: "A little bit, yeah. And you know that my version of a little bit is still a lot compared to a lot of people and a lot of things. In comparison to other things on my mind, no, not a lot, but in actual amount, yeah."
Chessie: "Do you want to go back?"
Tiger: "Yes, and no. I want to go back because I feel like I need to be doing something, and because I miss things like band, and even some of the people. I'm sort of anxious for it to get going, I would like to get it over with, if that makes sense. But at the same time, it's stressful, I don't think I'm ready, and I don't really enjoy most of it. That and I'm graduating a year late so I'll be in classes with people a year or two younger than me."
Tiger: "Overall, I feel... I dunno. Stressed but not. Either with things to be stressed about but not feeling it, or feeling stressed with nothing to be stressed over. I'm not sure which."
Chessie:"Nothing really that I can say is likely to help. Your evaluation is accurate. I find it unlikely you'll manage the entire year unless something drastic happens. You'll be able to go for a few months before the monotany starts to wear. Once you're trapped in your own mind for protracted periods by dull classes where you're expected to pay attention to only the teacher and surrounded by people of violent emotional states (pubescent teenagers), I think it's likely you'll stop talking again."
Chessie: "You may have time to graduate. You may not. I can't say there. You sound like you're slowly sliding into numb-disassociation from your body, mind, and world. That tends to come when stress factors (in your case, probably anxiety over the future both close and far) start to close in on overwhelming."
Tiger: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're right."
Tiger:"I think I may be doing that thing where I completely stonewall things that bother me. Since the more I think about it the more things I can come up with."
Tiger: is either doing that or psyching herself out.
mandolintailstalker: notes that's what she calls disassociation. "Your brain is like an organizing list where you're allowed to deal with stuff in any order...so you take the big stuff you REALLY don't want to deal with and put that far away. The smaller stuff you put a little bit farther away. Then as smaller and smaller stuff appears, you push the big stuff just a little bit farther and the stuff right in front of it farther and so one. Since everyday life contains a lot of minor stress, eventually your not consciously moving towards the big things anymore and the only stress you can even work on is the super super immediate...because everything else has been pushed miles away."
Tiger: notes that's different than what she considers dissociation, but finds that to be accurate.
Tiger: *disassociation
Chessie: "The only way that is generally undone is A, if you have no future plans or expectations which you are not in control of (which you have in spades right now) and B, something massive upsets your life and erases all of those expectations. You engineered (unconsciously) a situation where you could temporarily wipe out all of those expectations by not talking anymore. You recognized those expectations (societal, familial, social) would never lead you to happiness and instead would slowly destroy your wellbeing, so you wiped them out...for a while. Now they're settling back as you attempt to normalize again."
Tiger: "...yeah, pretty much. But I don't know that it was so much wiping them out as avoiding them. But, yeah."
Chessie: "At the time when it was possible you might not speak to anyone, you were in control of whose expectations could be pushed on you. If you saw some expectation that was toxic to you or someone you didn't trust, you didn't talk to them. That meant all of the teachers, your mother, and your brother."
Tiger: nods a little bit.
Chessie:"You were in control of both when and how people put their needs and demands on you. Now that you're starting to talk and people expect you to talk to everyone instead of just select persons, you're losing all of that control. All those expectations they put on hold start to crowd in again. That feeling of being 'pressed on' resumes. Eventually, you're expected to talk to everyone...and to accept EVERYTHING."
Tiger: "Mm, yeah. I'm feeling the urge to keyboard smash now, so...yes. I don't know how to deal with that, though."
Chessie:"Now, keep in mind, I am a responsible adult. I have a large bank account, friends, sex partners, a working car, retirement plans, and employment. Would you say all of those things qualify me to make a reccomendation on your future maturity?"
Tiger: 's mom is calling her and will be back in a moment.
Tiger: is back. "Hmm, yes. Depending on what it is I may or may not be able - or want - to take it, but, yes."
Chessie: "You may not want to, but I think it's your eventual solution and the one you'll likely take if you face total collapse and loss of personhood again.""
Chessie: "No school. No future. Erase it all and make your own way. You'll have to burn bridges temporarily, but you are capable of getting forgiveness from literally anyone. Your brother won't understand for a while (he believes very strongly that he knows what's right) but your mother eventually will. You'll end up very alone, temporarily, minus a tiny selection of people."
Chessie:"Your alternative is slow derrangement. Self-abuse, comfort behaviors, depression, frustration, and in the end a repeating cycle of collapse. I have no doubt you'll blame yourself for that, cursing yourself for being unable to be like everyone else and do the things that seem to come naturally to them, though in truth it isn't your fault."
Tiger: "What's your recommendation?"
Tiger: means more specifically.
Chessie: "It'll make you feel GODAWFUL guilty."
Tiger: "Certain people I'd still talk to more or less no matter what, but they don't put any expectations on me anyways. I'm not sure how to make an escape plan like that when I don't even have the commitment to get a job, and I can't do anything without money."
Tiger: isn't finding the disappointing people aspect to be appealing but understands why you say that.
Chessie: "What is worse? The disappointment people will feel when you suddenly revert to mute-ism or the disappointment they'll feel when you start feeling the urge to hide your report cards because you can't concentrate on your work? Or the disappointment when you end up in the hospital because you cut yourself too deep? Or your binge eating affects your health?"
Tiger: "The latter are worse, but what if that doesn't happen? [Denial? Hmm.]
Tiger: "And talking DOES make communication easier for me in a lot of ways, even if not talking can be beneficial. And, more importantly, what if I end up with both? What if I stop talking and those last things still happen? THat's what happened last year. I don't want to be stuck in that."
Chessie: smacks you for denial.
Tiger: accepts that.
Tiger: sighs. "Okay, here it is..."
Chessie: "You're in a shit situation. Keep in mind, I was THERE. My behaviors were different but not by much...and I was getting to not talking to anyone. I was CLOSE."
Chessie: "I got lucky. I got expelled for something I didn't do, because I lived in a paranoid as shit time in a paranoid as shit place."
Tiger: "A lot of what you're saying really hits home. I can't see myself getting through school, getting better, all of that. I can't see myself managing to do the normal-thing, not for any length of time. But despite knowing there are other options, they don't feel like real options. Do you know what I mean? I can't really see them, either. I'm not ready for a job really, I don't know enough about to make a life like that, not to mention the whole idea involves going against my mother and basically my entire family, and disappointing everyone, even if only for a few years. So I feel stuck. I... don't know."
Chessie: "Lets put it this way. You'll slowly slide into depression and self destruction. You could start by telling some of the people in your life that this is how things are. I can only unwind your brain and give you the reasons it works. You have to make life-style choices to fix it."
Tiger: doesn't know how to make choices like that. "Not to mention you KNOW how I am with discussing things with people. That's fucking terrifying."
Tiger: hopes you realize she isn't trying to argue or anything.
Chessie: realizes and understands. "I'm asking you to climb a mountain it too me 4 years to get to the base of."
Tiger: szrioupfhrsdfiohfsroi;hjsrfoi;hsdfioh;.
Tiger: feels this is an acceptable response.
Chessie: "HOWEVER...you do have the benefit of one thing. I didn't know there was a way. Any way whatsoever. I was going at it with no maps of any sort."
Tiger: hopes you realize this entire idea is going against everything she's been taught her whole life.
Chessie: "Very much so. Hey, I was taught to be a responsible Christian boy. My family wanted me to be a big fan of Nascar. My dad wanted me to be a karate master or maybe go into the military. My mom wanted me to have one girlfriend I'd love my whole life. I was supposed to graduate college and go straight into a life-long career."
Tiger: finds that sort of ridiculous. "In a lot of ways I'm better off. My expectations are/were basically to get into university or at least college, get a good paying job that occupies my mind, so that I can afford things I want, be happy, and...other than that, that's about it."
Chessie: "I was supposed to be a journalist who could write page after page every day. Or an actor on broadway. Or a great guitar player. I was supposed to be all of those things and when I really confronted the realities of being those things and pleasing everyone, some part of me shut off. I knew, somewhere under all of those expectations, that I could do something better. I'm a better psychologist than people who've gone to 8 years worth of college."
Tiger: usually finds herself shutting off at the thought, but for different reasons. "I don't see myself capable of doing that, and that scares me. Failure is terrifying. Maybe that's why this whole idea is so scary. It feels like failure, somehow."
Chessie: nods. "You'd never be good enough for yourself if you tried those things. Good enough for other people, but never good enough for you."
Tiger: will give it thought. "It's something I need time to wrap my head around, I think."
Chessie: "Keep this in mind. I'm wrong sometimes or not 100% right. I tend to get close, but hitting things straight on the head is difficult. That doesn't mean the stuff I say is entirely incorrect. Just not perfectly accurate. Where the brain is concerned, close enough tends to be...well, close enough."
---
I don't know what to do.
I've been raised to get good grades, go to university, and get a good paying job. that's my job in life and I've known that from day one.
Everything that she says there really resonates with me strongly. Despite denial-esque thoughts, I know what she's saying to be true. And yet it goes against something I've had engrained in me my entire life. It's essentially become one of my values for myself.
I have a paralyzing fear of failure. One could call it a phobia. Doing anything other than that, what I've been told, feels like failure. But I know that trying to do that is going to end in failure.
I'm a very future-based person. I picture things in the future. My brain, in a way, sits in the future, just like some people live in the past or the present. When I try to imagine my future, I see...nothing. Blackness.
IT'S FUCKING TERRIFYING.
I've always been able to see multiple variations of my future, but for the past few years...nothing.
I feel like I have no options. It makes me feel STUCK. It's something that's been buried in me for years, that's never been brought to the surface until now.
These two feelings are major things that have contributed to feeling suicidal. I mean, if I have no other options...? And I feel like I'm just waiting for that nothingness to catch up with me. How does one wait for nothing? I don't understand. But, at the same time...
Most anything else I could say about this was discussed in the conversation.
I'm very dependant on outside approval, as much as I hate to say it. And if I were to say fuck everything - stop talking again, drop out of school, get a job, move out - I would get disapproval from just about everyone, including people I care about, and disappoint all my family. I hate disappointment. And there's the whole failure thing, too...
I don't know what to do.
Opinions, anyone? If you know me from outside my blog, feel free to contact me through alternate means to discuss this.
My brain is all confused after this. So torn. It's like two of my huge values conflicting.
MAH BRAINMEATS AREN'T MIXING PROPERLY.
HALP.
xD
But no, seriously.... asdijsaofijsrdfpjsfoksdopfksefopjkserfpoksdf[okwd[oweqkdoewkfwef.
---
Tiger: "Well, yeah. But that's not new, y'know? And as for education, I'm going back to school in September, so. Right now I have plenty of time for myself and for more or less anything I want that doesn't involve money."
Tiger: means time for anything she wants, not things she wants.
Tiger: means time for anything she wants, not things she wants.
Chessie: "When did yoou decide to go back to school?"
Tiger: "That was the decision when I decided that I would take this semester off. So, months ago. January? Something like that."
Chessie:"Has going back been in your mind a lot lately?"
Tiger: "A little bit, yeah. And you know that my version of a little bit is still a lot compared to a lot of people and a lot of things. In comparison to other things on my mind, no, not a lot, but in actual amount, yeah."
Chessie: "Do you want to go back?"
Tiger: "Yes, and no. I want to go back because I feel like I need to be doing something, and because I miss things like band, and even some of the people. I'm sort of anxious for it to get going, I would like to get it over with, if that makes sense. But at the same time, it's stressful, I don't think I'm ready, and I don't really enjoy most of it. That and I'm graduating a year late so I'll be in classes with people a year or two younger than me."
Tiger: "Overall, I feel... I dunno. Stressed but not. Either with things to be stressed about but not feeling it, or feeling stressed with nothing to be stressed over. I'm not sure which."
Chessie:"Nothing really that I can say is likely to help. Your evaluation is accurate. I find it unlikely you'll manage the entire year unless something drastic happens. You'll be able to go for a few months before the monotany starts to wear. Once you're trapped in your own mind for protracted periods by dull classes where you're expected to pay attention to only the teacher and surrounded by people of violent emotional states (pubescent teenagers), I think it's likely you'll stop talking again."
Chessie: "You may have time to graduate. You may not. I can't say there. You sound like you're slowly sliding into numb-disassociation from your body, mind, and world. That tends to come when stress factors (in your case, probably anxiety over the future both close and far) start to close in on overwhelming."
Tiger: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure you're right."
Tiger:"I think I may be doing that thing where I completely stonewall things that bother me. Since the more I think about it the more things I can come up with."
Tiger: is either doing that or psyching herself out.
mandolintailstalker: notes that's what she calls disassociation. "Your brain is like an organizing list where you're allowed to deal with stuff in any order...so you take the big stuff you REALLY don't want to deal with and put that far away. The smaller stuff you put a little bit farther away. Then as smaller and smaller stuff appears, you push the big stuff just a little bit farther and the stuff right in front of it farther and so one. Since everyday life contains a lot of minor stress, eventually your not consciously moving towards the big things anymore and the only stress you can even work on is the super super immediate...because everything else has been pushed miles away."
Tiger: notes that's different than what she considers dissociation, but finds that to be accurate.
Tiger: *disassociation
Chessie: "The only way that is generally undone is A, if you have no future plans or expectations which you are not in control of (which you have in spades right now) and B, something massive upsets your life and erases all of those expectations. You engineered (unconsciously) a situation where you could temporarily wipe out all of those expectations by not talking anymore. You recognized those expectations (societal, familial, social) would never lead you to happiness and instead would slowly destroy your wellbeing, so you wiped them out...for a while. Now they're settling back as you attempt to normalize again."
Tiger: "...yeah, pretty much. But I don't know that it was so much wiping them out as avoiding them. But, yeah."
Chessie: "At the time when it was possible you might not speak to anyone, you were in control of whose expectations could be pushed on you. If you saw some expectation that was toxic to you or someone you didn't trust, you didn't talk to them. That meant all of the teachers, your mother, and your brother."
Tiger: nods a little bit.
Chessie:"You were in control of both when and how people put their needs and demands on you. Now that you're starting to talk and people expect you to talk to everyone instead of just select persons, you're losing all of that control. All those expectations they put on hold start to crowd in again. That feeling of being 'pressed on' resumes. Eventually, you're expected to talk to everyone...and to accept EVERYTHING."
Tiger: "Mm, yeah. I'm feeling the urge to keyboard smash now, so...yes. I don't know how to deal with that, though."
Chessie:"Now, keep in mind, I am a responsible adult. I have a large bank account, friends, sex partners, a working car, retirement plans, and employment. Would you say all of those things qualify me to make a reccomendation on your future maturity?"
Tiger: 's mom is calling her and will be back in a moment.
Tiger: is back. "Hmm, yes. Depending on what it is I may or may not be able - or want - to take it, but, yes."
Chessie: "You may not want to, but I think it's your eventual solution and the one you'll likely take if you face total collapse and loss of personhood again.""
Chessie: "No school. No future. Erase it all and make your own way. You'll have to burn bridges temporarily, but you are capable of getting forgiveness from literally anyone. Your brother won't understand for a while (he believes very strongly that he knows what's right) but your mother eventually will. You'll end up very alone, temporarily, minus a tiny selection of people."
Chessie:"Your alternative is slow derrangement. Self-abuse, comfort behaviors, depression, frustration, and in the end a repeating cycle of collapse. I have no doubt you'll blame yourself for that, cursing yourself for being unable to be like everyone else and do the things that seem to come naturally to them, though in truth it isn't your fault."
Tiger: "What's your recommendation?"
Tiger: means more specifically.
Chessie: "It'll make you feel GODAWFUL guilty."
Chessie: takes a deep breath. "Okay, here's my solution. It's kinda piece-meal right now."
Chessie: "Wait a few weeks, then go back to not talking to people. Make it sudden. The more sudden, the better. Lots of people will be disappointed but it needs to be clear that you're not going to just slide back to normality if people are patient. If they push or put you back in the situation you were in, you will close down. Everyone needs to know that's going to happen and no amount of psychologist idiocy will stop it. It places you in control again of what happens in your life...and from there, you should start working on an escape plan that includes a place to live, friends, and money."
Chessie: "Wait a few weeks, then go back to not talking to people. Make it sudden. The more sudden, the better. Lots of people will be disappointed but it needs to be clear that you're not going to just slide back to normality if people are patient. If they push or put you back in the situation you were in, you will close down. Everyone needs to know that's going to happen and no amount of psychologist idiocy will stop it. It places you in control again of what happens in your life...and from there, you should start working on an escape plan that includes a place to live, friends, and money."
Tiger: "Certain people I'd still talk to more or less no matter what, but they don't put any expectations on me anyways. I'm not sure how to make an escape plan like that when I don't even have the commitment to get a job, and I can't do anything without money."
Tiger: isn't finding the disappointing people aspect to be appealing but understands why you say that.
Chessie: "What is worse? The disappointment people will feel when you suddenly revert to mute-ism or the disappointment they'll feel when you start feeling the urge to hide your report cards because you can't concentrate on your work? Or the disappointment when you end up in the hospital because you cut yourself too deep? Or your binge eating affects your health?"
Tiger: "The latter are worse, but what if that doesn't happen? [Denial? Hmm.]
Tiger: "And talking DOES make communication easier for me in a lot of ways, even if not talking can be beneficial. And, more importantly, what if I end up with both? What if I stop talking and those last things still happen? THat's what happened last year. I don't want to be stuck in that."
Chessie: smacks you for denial.
Tiger: accepts that.
Tiger: sighs. "Okay, here it is..."
Chessie: "You're in a shit situation. Keep in mind, I was THERE. My behaviors were different but not by much...and I was getting to not talking to anyone. I was CLOSE."
Chessie: "I got lucky. I got expelled for something I didn't do, because I lived in a paranoid as shit time in a paranoid as shit place."
Tiger: "A lot of what you're saying really hits home. I can't see myself getting through school, getting better, all of that. I can't see myself managing to do the normal-thing, not for any length of time. But despite knowing there are other options, they don't feel like real options. Do you know what I mean? I can't really see them, either. I'm not ready for a job really, I don't know enough about to make a life like that, not to mention the whole idea involves going against my mother and basically my entire family, and disappointing everyone, even if only for a few years. So I feel stuck. I... don't know."
Chessie: "Lets put it this way. You'll slowly slide into depression and self destruction. You could start by telling some of the people in your life that this is how things are. I can only unwind your brain and give you the reasons it works. You have to make life-style choices to fix it."
Tiger: doesn't know how to make choices like that. "Not to mention you KNOW how I am with discussing things with people. That's fucking terrifying."
Tiger: hopes you realize she isn't trying to argue or anything.
Chessie: realizes and understands. "I'm asking you to climb a mountain it too me 4 years to get to the base of."
Tiger: szrioupfhrsdfiohfsroi;hjsrfoi;
Tiger: feels this is an acceptable response.
Chessie: "HOWEVER...you do have the benefit of one thing. I didn't know there was a way. Any way whatsoever. I was going at it with no maps of any sort."
Tiger: hopes you realize this entire idea is going against everything she's been taught her whole life.
Chessie: "Very much so. Hey, I was taught to be a responsible Christian boy. My family wanted me to be a big fan of Nascar. My dad wanted me to be a karate master or maybe go into the military. My mom wanted me to have one girlfriend I'd love my whole life. I was supposed to graduate college and go straight into a life-long career."
Tiger: finds that sort of ridiculous. "In a lot of ways I'm better off. My expectations are/were basically to get into university or at least college, get a good paying job that occupies my mind, so that I can afford things I want, be happy, and...other than that, that's about it."
Chessie: "I was supposed to be a journalist who could write page after page every day. Or an actor on broadway. Or a great guitar player. I was supposed to be all of those things and when I really confronted the realities of being those things and pleasing everyone, some part of me shut off. I knew, somewhere under all of those expectations, that I could do something better. I'm a better psychologist than people who've gone to 8 years worth of college."
Tiger: usually finds herself shutting off at the thought, but for different reasons. "I don't see myself capable of doing that, and that scares me. Failure is terrifying. Maybe that's why this whole idea is so scary. It feels like failure, somehow."
Chessie: nods. "You'd never be good enough for yourself if you tried those things. Good enough for other people, but never good enough for you."
Tiger: will give it thought. "It's something I need time to wrap my head around, I think."
Chessie: "Keep this in mind. I'm wrong sometimes or not 100% right. I tend to get close, but hitting things straight on the head is difficult. That doesn't mean the stuff I say is entirely incorrect. Just not perfectly accurate. Where the brain is concerned, close enough tends to be...well, close enough."
---
I don't know what to do.
I've been raised to get good grades, go to university, and get a good paying job. that's my job in life and I've known that from day one.
Everything that she says there really resonates with me strongly. Despite denial-esque thoughts, I know what she's saying to be true. And yet it goes against something I've had engrained in me my entire life. It's essentially become one of my values for myself.
I have a paralyzing fear of failure. One could call it a phobia. Doing anything other than that, what I've been told, feels like failure. But I know that trying to do that is going to end in failure.
I'm a very future-based person. I picture things in the future. My brain, in a way, sits in the future, just like some people live in the past or the present. When I try to imagine my future, I see...nothing. Blackness.
IT'S FUCKING TERRIFYING.
I've always been able to see multiple variations of my future, but for the past few years...nothing.
I feel like I have no options. It makes me feel STUCK. It's something that's been buried in me for years, that's never been brought to the surface until now.
These two feelings are major things that have contributed to feeling suicidal. I mean, if I have no other options...? And I feel like I'm just waiting for that nothingness to catch up with me. How does one wait for nothing? I don't understand. But, at the same time...
Most anything else I could say about this was discussed in the conversation.
I'm very dependant on outside approval, as much as I hate to say it. And if I were to say fuck everything - stop talking again, drop out of school, get a job, move out - I would get disapproval from just about everyone, including people I care about, and disappoint all my family. I hate disappointment. And there's the whole failure thing, too...
I don't know what to do.
Opinions, anyone? If you know me from outside my blog, feel free to contact me through alternate means to discuss this.
My brain is all confused after this. So torn. It's like two of my huge values conflicting.
MAH BRAINMEATS AREN'T MIXING PROPERLY.
HALP.
xD
But no, seriously.... asdijsaofijsrdfpjsfoksdopfksefopjkserfpoksdf[okwd[oweqkdoewkfwef.
So. I was talking to Ari Myself the other night. Just, about stuff. Usual eveningrambles.
I love you so much. And I'd do anything I could to make you happy. I'd do anything in my power just to see that smile, hear you laugh. I wish I could carry your demons and make everything better, but I can't truly do that.
What I can do, though, is help myself. Maybe I'm just re-realizing this, but. I know we share emotions in a freaky way, and I know it makes you happy when I'm happy. And to be happy, I have to get better.
And to get better, I need to try.
So, I think I might try again. Actually put effort in.
Because I want to make you truly smile. And I can't say I'd do anything and then sit and do nothing about this.
I love you. <3
I love you so much. And I'd do anything I could to make you happy. I'd do anything in my power just to see that smile, hear you laugh. I wish I could carry your demons and make everything better, but I can't truly do that.
What I can do, though, is help myself. Maybe I'm just re-realizing this, but. I know we share emotions in a freaky way, and I know it makes you happy when I'm happy. And to be happy, I have to get better.
And to get better, I need to try.
So, I think I might try again. Actually put effort in.
Because I want to make you truly smile. And I can't say I'd do anything and then sit and do nothing about this.
I love you. <3
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