Ninety-Four

LOVE.

That is all.

Food: AWEOJKOPKSDPFOJ. I need to stop eating the entire kitchen. Stupid periods.
Exercise: None

Harm:

Ninety-Three

Tired, shakey, paranoid, out of it.
I feel sick

Breakfast: Cereal w/1% milk.
Lunch: Large salad
Dinner: Chicken strips
Other: Juice, Bagel, cereal
Exercise: None
Harm: 5, plus opened up/deepened the one from before.

C:

 I feel weird. Like I'm right on the edge of emotion. I am neither feeling or not feeling. I feel like I'm on the brink of something... good or bad, I have no idea.

I just love it when excuses makes themselves.
"You hungry?"
"No, not really."
"You sure? All you've had today is an apple."
"Yeah. It's strange. I think I might be getting sick."
"Or maybe you're just in a phase. I mean, you go through phases of eating lots and little. You always have."
"Yeah, that's true."
"You just finished your 'eat-everything-in-the-house' stage, so maybe you're just coming down from that?"
"Yeah, that makes sense."
"Okay. Well I'm having ice cream."
>_<;

Ninety-Two

Whereareyougoing?We'realittlepressedfortime.Hurryup!
I dodge off into my room, throwing on a jacket for an excuse. wherearetheywherearethey.  Digging through the drawer until I find the crimson box, I open it and search. I grab three razor blades.
Whatareyoudoinginthere?Hurryup.Hannersiscomingtopickyouupatten.
Slipping the sharp slivers of metal into my bag, I zip the inside pocket up and make sure everything looks right.
i'mcomingi'mcomingi'mcoming.

Stupid. Getting proper tools is like planning to cut. Giving myself permission. But I suppose it's no different than hoarding pencil sharpeners, just in case... like having a sewing kit and lighters and a mini exacto knife in my bag...

Breakfast: 1 apple.
Lunch: Crackers w/cheese and homemade red pepper jelly.
Dinner: A&W, ice cream. No escape. Fuck.
Other: 1/4 s'mores granola bar
Exercise: Paddocks, picking rocks.
Harm:

Ninety-One

I feel weird. I don't even feel numb, or detached. But it's like my emotions are muted. But it's not the same.
I'm rather sick of me. I got new clothes and they bother me. I look disgusting in them.
Also, fuck change.

you're worth so much,
it'll never be enough.
seem so far from everything
you're wanting to be,
you're wanting to be.

tears falling down again,
tears falling down.

you fall to your knees,
you beg, you plead.
can i be somebody else,
for all the times i hate myself?
your failures devour your heart.
in every hour you're drowning
in your imperfection.

Breakfast: same as yesterday
Lunch: small salad, homemade applesauce.
Dinner: homemade pizza
Other: tea, pineapple juice
Exercise: paddocks.
Harm: none.

All of my devils, they are free at last, oh
And all my secrets are revealed, yes they are
And your permission is all that I need.

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go

I'm freaking out. It's day ninety. In ten days it will be one hundred. 100. One Zero Zero. Cent. C.
I thought I'd be better by now. Not perfect, or even great... but, better. Showing some improvement. But what have I accomplished? I've managed to keep on existing, that's it. That's hardly something to be proud of.
I'm just sort of sitting back watching time float by. What if time just slips away, disappears with me standing outside of it waiting?
100 is 200 is 365 which is a year. In a year, I should have accomplished something. I thought I'd be better by now, I SHOULD be better by now. But I'm not.
Everything seems so far away to try for, and it's already been so long. And if I can't even keep up the motivation to TRY for this long, then how am I supposed to keep it up long enough to get better?
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.

Fast I fade away, it's almost over, hold on
Slow, I suffocate, I'm cold and broken alone

It's hopeless, the end will come and wash it all away
Forsaken, I live for those I lost along the way
And I can't remember how it all began to play
I suffer, I live to fight and die another day

Ninety

And I don't want the world to see me,
'cause I don't think that they'd understand.
When everything's made to be broken,
I just want you to know who I am.

I'm worried about Ari. I know she's trying, and that's all I can ask for. But I think she needs help [and there's nothing wrong with that] and the fact that she might not be getting it scares me =/

Miss Mary Mack, Mack, MacK
All dressed in black, black, black
She has a knife, knife, knife
Stuck in her back, back, back
She can not breathe, breathe, breathe
She can not cry, cry, cry
That's why she begs, begs, begs
She begs to die, die, die.

Last night I ended up falling asleep thinking about death. Mine, others. Not pleasant.
I'm feeling really uneasy, and I don't know why. Like something bad is going to happen. This cloud is hovering above, waiting to rain.
Impending storm.

Do you wake up on your own?
And wonder where you are
You live with all your faults
...
And I'll do anythin' you ever dreamed to be complete
Little pieces of the nothin' that fall ...
Put your arms around me
What you feel is what you are
And what you are is beautiful

Breakfast: 2 pieces of toast - 1 w/peanut butter, 1 w/nutella.
Lunch: Popcorn.
Dinner: Small beef burrito, small mexi fries
Other: Iced tea made with hot water, 7up, a huge amount of ice cream, pocky.
Exercise: Riding lesson, some walking.
Harm: None. I'm really temped to go to the other house and get all my tools, despite knowing that doing so is basically setting myself up to cut.

And right here in this moment is right where I'm meant to be
Here with you here with me
I could not ask for more than the love you give me
'Coz it's all I've waited for
And I could not ask for more
I could not ask for more

Lol, it's true.

Eighty-Nine

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming?
No one's listening anyway

I wore shorts today. That's a big step, I guess. Felt extremely watched, though. Open. Exposed. Uncomfortable. Uneasy.
Talked to Ari for a long while today...that makes me happy.

Breakfast: 2 pieces toast w/nutella and banana
Lunch: 1 Fuze Shape Tropical Punch drink.
Dinner: Binge. D:< Fat pig.
Other: A ton of crackers.
Exercise: walking
Harm: None

Your stitches are all out
But your scars are healing wrong
The helium balloon inside your room has come undone
And it's pushing up at the ceiling
And the flickering lights it cannot get beyond

Everyone takes turns
Now it's yours to play the part
And they're sitting all around you
Holding copies of your chart
And the misery inside their eyes is
Synchronized and reflecting into yours

Trying not to let it all slip away once again.

You thought by now you'd be
So much better than you are
You thought by now they'd see
That you have come so far

And the pride inside their eyes
Would synchronize into a love you've never known
So much more than you've been shown

Eighty-Eight

Venomous voice, tempts me,
Drains me, bleeds me,
Leaves me cracked and empty.
Drags me down like some sweet gravity.

The snake behind me hisses
What my damage could have been.
My blood before me begs me
Open up my heart again.

And I feel this coming over like a storm again now.
And I feel this coming over like a storm again now.

Numb.

Breakfast: Two pieces of toast w/nutella and banana
Lunch: One medium apple.
Dinner: Binge.
Other: Juice
Exercise: Riding lesson, some walking.
Harm: Two cuts last night. One is fairly deep ...well, not really. But a bit deeper than I normally would on my arm.

is it time to give up yet?

Eighty-Six/Eighty-Seven

Had an awesome weekend. I feel like shit.

I feel like giving up. Even though it's not time, it feels like everything is so far away. Too far away to work for. I feel...tired. So very tired. I feel like I'm simply waiting until it's over. Until it's all over. It's not that I want to die. I just don't want to deal anymore. I feel like "Hey, guys. I've done my time, I've had enough. Is this over yet?"
Am I allowed to die yet?

In other news, I want to cut. So badly. I want to hurt. I want to feel pain.

When happiness doesn't work, trust me and take my hand. When the lights go out you will understand.
Pain, without love...'cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all.

First I was so detached. This layer of fog fell behind my eyes and it all went grey. I didn't walk on the ground or feel with my skin. Then, the more I thought, the more it hurt. It started with this general feeling of unease, which grew. Then I felt sick, and my chest started to hurt. The urge to sob got stronger and stronger, and with it, the urge to hurt. To cut. To see the blood, to see myself broken.

I had a dream that I was freaking out, trying to figure out what to eat for the day as I buttered a biscuit. I phoned up Hastings and he began screaming at me. Having a complete shit-fit. About how this was getting ridiculous and I needed to eat more. "But I AM eating enough! More, even." I told him but he just kept freaking out. I eventually told him I loved him and hung up. I felt so alone, so hurt. Such shit. I woke up and I was alone there, too. It managed to stick.
I feel so alone.

Not doing a food log for the past weekend. Fuck no. Just...no. I am so disgusted with myself.

Eighty-Five

I can't shake this feeling of BAD. Not depression, or anger, or self-hate, or even just emotional pain. Just...bad. Wrongness. It's underlaying everything and I can't get rid of it. It's like a buzzing in the back of my head, a not-quite-right feeling in my gut. I don't know how to explain it. It's almost like that dread feeling when you know something bad is going to happen, but it's... different. A more softer emotion. It both worries and bothers me. I was thinking it might be something I'm picking up from Ari...and that's definitely possible. But I don't know, it feels like something more. Maybe it's just that combining with my own emotions.

I, just, feel...off. Bad. Uneasy. Like something's going on that I don't know about. Something that's going to be terrible when it does blow up.

Also, I'm starting to think I might have Binge Eating Disoder. I've been bingeing and lot recently and just eating a lot. And I haven't been doing anything to get rid of it. I do not like this. I've mostly been eating when other people aren't here, or are in bed. And eating much more than I am comfortable with. Today my mom asked me if I was alright, saying she'd noticed me eating a bit less. Less?! That shocked me, until I realized that she hasn't been seeing me eat. And I did have a hard time with dinner last night, as well as I skipped breakfast this morning. I think that's what prompted her to ask. If this continues [I would rather be hungry than be a fat pig] I may tell her that I'm feeling a bit 'off' in the sick kind of way. Also, I'm going to Sandi's so that might trigger a major binge. She eats a lot [she's beautiful, though] and I tend to eat a lot when I'm there :/ But she also knows Me and will understand if I eat less? I dunno.


Secret: I am often guilty as using hyperness as a mask for my true emotions.
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: 2 sml vegan ginger cookies, 140 mL of pepsi.
Dinner:
Other:
Exercise: Cleaning paddocks, walking.
Harm [day one? Nine?]:

You say you feel so down
Every time I turn around
And you say you should've been gone by now
And you think that everything's wrong
You ask me how to carry on
We'll make it through another day, just hold on

'Cause life starts now
You've done all the things that could kill you somehow
And you're so far down
But you will survive it somehow
Because life starts now

I hate to see you fall down
I'll pick you up off the ground
I've watched the weight of your world come down
And now it's your, your chance to move on
Change the way you've lived for so long
And find the strength
You've had inside all along

'Cause life starts now
You've done all the things that could kill you somehow
And you're so far down
But you will survive it somehow
Because life starts now

All this pain
Take this life and make it yours
All this hate
Take your heart and let it love again
You will survive this somehow

Life starts now
You've done all the things that could kill you somehow
And you're so far down
Life starts now
You've done all the things that could kill you somehow
And you're so far down
Life starts now

Eighty-Four

It's going to suck majorly, not being able to talk to Ari. But, at least she's safe, and that helps me to worry less. [Because of course I will worry because I won't be able to talk to her. And that makes me anxious no matter what.]
I can't use this as an excuse to get worse again. [EDIT: She's home.]
Particularly with how self-destructive I've been feeling recently. I can't pinpoint a reason for it, but I really just want to...self-destruct. Destroy myself, if only a little bit. I think it's maybe to distract myself from life, and the fact that I have to live it.  Life is terrifying. Having to live it is even more so.   But here's no need to be worried about it if you're not really living anyways.Who cares about the future if you're too distracted by pain to notice? What is there to worry about if you're too busy worrying about whether you're going to pass out or not?
escapism.


Secret: I worry sometimes that when someone tells me they like me, I like them back automatically, even if I already liked them before they told me they did too.
Breakfast: 2 pieces multigrain toast w/raspberry jam.
Lunch: Medium homemade salad.
Dinner: A few mouthfuls of chinese food. I'm having a stupidly hard time eating today, for some reason.
Other: Juice, 1 cup of KD, cheese and crackers, cheese and a pepperoni stick.
Exercise: Cleaning paddocks. Instead of bussing all the way home I walked partway.
Harm [day eight]: 1. Just one. Don't know if that even counts.

Eighty-Three

It's like 7 am and I haven't slept. All-nighters by yourself are boring, but I need to reset my sleep schedule.
I am not looking forward to today.

Food:
banana [1 am]
1 piece multigrain toast w/homemade raspberry jam [5 am]
1 glass peach juice [5 am]
1 medium apple [6 am]
1 piece multigrain toast w/homemade raspberry jam [11 am]
1/4 Rockstar Punched Energy Drink [11 am]
small bowl tortilla chips w/homemade salsa, sour cream [4 pm]
rest of energy drink [4 pm]

Exercise: Riding lesson, some walking.
Harm [day 7]: None

Ohshitohshitohshit oh shit.
I need out of this. Out of here.
I just realized how fucked up I am. How bad it got and still is, to a degree. Most the time it doesn't seem real, but right now I just realized who I've become. I'm one of those people. One of the people that I help. One of the people you see written about, hear about in songs. People you hear about. But not you. Never you.
But I am.
Fuck.
What have I become where am I going oh god what have I done.
What have I done.
I can't believe this is me. This is my life. Oh shit.
What the fuck happened?!

...OhshitIfuckedupsobad.

Eighty-Two

I feel better... Well, more motivated at least. Been talking to Ari more and that helps.

I've been thinking about just how WEIRD my life is. Not necessarily in what happens, because really, I'm a boring person. But what's in my head. How reality seems to me, how I think, what my thoughts are, how and what I feel, etc. It's weird. I'm fairly sure it's not normal. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to be in someone's head. I mean, I get a pretty good feel for people just by 'reading' them but to actually be INSIDE there and think everything as they do? That'd be...interesting.

I had a scary thought today. I couldn't remember when I first started getting depressed. Or when I realised what it was. I can remember being happy and having my brain be more...simple. But I don't remember when that was. Perhaps it's just because my sense of time is so fucked, but it's....scary. It feels like I've lived two lives, one being when I was younger and happy, the other being the past year or two. Everything inbetween that blurs together.

I really can't put any words to it other than 'Weird'. That about sums it up.

Breakfast: GUESS WHAT. bagel.
Lunch: Banana
Dinner:
Other: Juice, banana, handful of honey nuts, medium tim horton's hot chocolate.
Exercise: Some walking
Harm [day 6]: None

Dirt and Air

It sucks.

Eighty-One

I feel ill. Shaken.

Secret: I wish someone would see through my lies.
Breakfast: Bagel w/butter. Again.
Lunch: Cheese and ham sandwich with lettuce, mayo, red pepper jelly
Dinner: spaghetti.
Other: Tea, juice.
Exercise: Riding lesson, walking.
Harm [day five]: None. I think so, anyways.

It is just after midnight, and I want to cut.
The rest of the local world is sleeping safely in their beds, dreaming of whatever it is that people dream of. But it's only the beginning of the night for me, hardly late at all.
I want to see the metal race across soft, tender skin. To rip open all that is closed and expose the dirt underneath. To see blood grow out of the reddened flesh and then bubble over, dripping into a puddle on the floor. To go deeper, farther, than ever before. To feel what it's like to have your body leak and drain like an abandoned water balloon.

I feel sick. I'm shaking so badly I can barely type. Why? Why do I feel like this? "You know why, my lovely. You know." I just want it to stop! "Okay then."

I want to so badly. My skin is calling to me, literally aching for that tiny touch of death. I want to see it all turn crimson. To turn tan to red, green sheets to that telltale reddish brown. I want to paint with warm blood. This is my masterpiece - my blade; my paintbrush. I want to see it all. To shred my arms, so much neater and scar less than my legs, into nothing but blood and insides.

 I can't stop trembling. It's right there. Right within my grasp. It's so easy, so simple. So right.

Comfort in pain. Solace in blood.

It would be so easy.

Eighty.

Nights that we would just lay here repeating
Here's to another year
You can have it all
But still feel empty
So accomplished, but so broken
This empty glass is
What had hope in
This is to
What went wrong
And the right we have to feel alone


I want to give up. I made a list with Ari yesterday and I still, just... lack the enthusiasm. I'm not seeing much of a point. I know there is. But, I just, don't feel it. I need something to jumpstart my determination again. Because right now I just don't care. I know I should. I know I have reasons and things to care about and all of that. I feel torn.


Why look up
The ground is so much more pleasing
And it's where these eyes belong

My head is fighting itself but neither side is even trying very hard. It's not that I'm feeling this huge urge to self-destruct, or anything. Just...apathy. I don't care. I don't feel my reasons.


What I have become is not what I wish to be
Break my neck
I've become too accustomed to hopes, hope's cruel grasp
Progression or regression, it all ends the same
In a world devoid
Emotionless
In a life such as this, only death is certain
So why wait
Break my heart, cut my throat
When everything has ended, what have we accomplished?
Slaves by design
Break my neck

I don't know what to do. I feel pretty zombie-esque. I started to try and get better because I wanted to live, not just exist. But I don't know if that's possible. I feel like a passenger on life, an observer, watching everything go by but sitting clear of it. Even when it reaches up and smacks me across the face, I still feel like a ghost just sitting back and watching.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.
Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew myself until I ripped off my disguise.


Secret: I say all i've ever wanted is happiness, and to be loved. But its not enough. I've been happy, and it's not enough. I know im loved, but, it's not enough.
Breakfast: Bagel w/butter
Lunch: Apple. Mostly purged. What the fuck is wrong with me.
Dinner: Tortilla chips w/sour cream and homemade salsa
Other: Juice, mini pizza.
Exercise: Walking
Harm [day 4]: None
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?

Seventy-Nine

AI'm tired. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to put the effort into pushing myself too hard anymore. Don't want to spend time cleaning up blood. Don't want to use the energy that it takes to stress. But I also don't want to try. I don't want to do anything. I feel stuck and I feel too tired to climb out. Too tired to try to turn this around.

Somebody's laughing while someone is crying
But for to want in the close of the day
But sometimes I feel like my head is spinning
I'm gonna cave with all I see
I don't know who's losing and I don't care who's winning
Hardship and trouble following me

I'm tired.
So very tired.

Breakfast: Bagel w/butter
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Homemade mini pizza. 5 pieces [equivalent to about 2.5 normal sized pieces]
Other: Juice, 2 coconut chocolates
Exercise: Carrying bins of stuff up and down stairs
Harm [day 3]: None

Seventy-Eight

Love. <3

Breakfast: Bagel w/butter
Lunch: Chicken rice soup, crackers
Dinner: One pancake with syrup
Other: Juice, granola bar, diet ginger ale
Exercise: None
Harm [day 2]: None

Seventy-Seven

I don't know what to type. What to say. I don't know how I feel.
I dunno.

Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese
Lunch: Medium salad
Dinner: Tortilla chips, homemade salsa, sour cream
Other: Banana, granola bar, iced tea mix made with hot water, 3 mini ginger snap cookies.
Exercise: Paddocks. Six hours.
Harm [day 1]: None

Love, btw, even if you scare me sometimes and I worry, I love you, and it's okay because I know you can get through this. We're in this together <3 Talk to you after the weekend.

Seventy-Six

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated this place
Misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good
It didnt slow me down.

Mistaking
Always second guessing
Underestimating
Look I'm still around

Breakfast: I've been up for two hours and haven't eaten yet. Hmm. Don't really feel hungry, though I normally would by now.  One apple.
Lunch: Two mandarin oranges
Dinner: A massive salad
Other: Tea, juice. BINGE.
Exercise: Riding Lesson, some walking.
Harm: I really want to cut on my arm again, to 'fix' it. The perfectionist side of me says that I didn't do it 'right'. Needs to be deeper. Proper. Feel like I left it unfinished. Feel fake. 3. Still shallow.

I'm letting myself slip. This isn't good. Need to get back that determination. Gotta really, REALLY try.

I've been doing some thinking, and I may have come up with something.

I've noticed that whenever I eat over what I'm comfortable with, or what I think is good, I binge. [Even if that amount is unreasonable]. It's normally a loss of control thing when I binge, but I think there's another reason, too. If I eat too much then I have to binge. Because then I'm not being a fatass, it's the 'eating disorder' [haha, yeah, right]. It's not just me being fat. It's not me being a pig. At least if I binge then I can feel like I properly failed and just need to pick myself up again. But if I just eat JUST too much, then I'm just being a pig. And I can't have an eating disorder, or anything wrong with me, then. No, then I'm just a perfectly fine person who eats too much. Just a F.A.T.A.S.S..P.I.G. A fake. With nothing wrong, or at least no eating issues. But if I binge, then even if it's still my own fucking fault and I'm still eating too much and being disgusting, I can at least reassure myself that it's because there's something wrong with me. And that's almost reassuring. Better to be fucked up and self destructive than just a plain pig.

When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
When you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home

Seventy-Five

Went to a friend's baby shower today. There was WAY too many people. I ended up essentially curling up into a ball in the corner on a couch and shutting down for an hour and a half. After that it got a bit better. I was able to avoid all food so I didn't binge, and eventually chilled out. I just told anyone that asked [well, wrote for them] that I was claustrophobic and didn't like the amount of people. Sort of true. Whatever. Anyways, it got better. Sort of.

Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese and cheese
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Sandwich - cheese, lettuce, low-fat mayo, red pepper jelly
Other: A ton of juice,three mini cookies and a tart.
Exercise: A tiny bit of walking. Not really.
Harm: 40. On my fucking arm. I'm not impressed. I don't remember deciding to do it and that freaks me out. I know it's just my subconscious telling me that I needed to, my body responding, and that overriding my conscious, but still, it always scares me. I hate losing control like that. Also, the shallowness of it bothers me. It didn't even hurt. Not while I was cutting, not afterward, not now. I feel like it should hurt for at least a day afterwards. Any 'scars' from it should be gone in a few months. I know that this shouldn't bother me but it does. Augh.

She makes everything better.
Love. <3
I can't put words to it. Just, oh my gawd, love. Lovelovelovelovelovelove.
<33333

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish,
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love,
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath,
Truly, madly, deeply do.

I will be strong, I will be faithful,
'Cause I'm counting on
A new beginning.
A reason for living,
A deeper meaning.

And I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.

And when my stars are shining brightly in the velvet sky,
I'll make a wish to send it to Heaven,
Then make you want to cry.
The tears of joy for all the pleasure in the certainty
That we're surrounded by the comfort and protection of
The highest powers in lonely hours.
The tears devour you.

And I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.

Oh can't you see it baby?
You don't have to close your eyes,
'Cause it's standing right before you,
All that you need will surely come.

I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish,
I'll be your fantasy.
I'll be your hope, I'll be your love,
Be everything that you need.
I'll love you more with every breath,
Truly, madly, deeply do.

I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.

And I want to stand with you on a mountain,
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
Well I want to live like this forever,
Until the sky falls down on me.

Seventy-Four

Worried about Ari =/ She'll be fine though. She's strong and amazing enough to pull through this.

There'll be a bump and there will be a bruise
There'll be alarms and there will be a snooze
There'll be a path that you will have to choose
There'll be a win and there will be a lose and

You gotta hold your head up high and
Watch all the negative go by
Don't ever be ashamed to cry
You go ahead
Cause life's like a jump rope

Up down
Up down
Up down
Up down yeah
It will get hard
Remember life's like a jump rope

I really want to cut today. I keep thinking about it like it won't matter if I do or not. But then I have to remind myself that No, if I get into that mindset it is too easy to go downhill again, and I want to get better.
I think the reason I want to so bad is because I know that my riding instructor is going to be angry at my today. And if I hurt myself, then she can't hurt me. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Then again, I'm never sure if most of what I say makes sense, so who cares. It makes sense in my mind and that's all that matters. If I hurt myself then she can't hurt me.

And now nobody can hurt me on the inside. I have this trick—anything you can do to me, I do to myself already. And I hit harder than you ever could.

Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese.
Lunch: Another bagel. Woo, variety.
Dinner: Chicken vegetable soup, grilled cheese sandwich
Other: Binge. Again. Fuck.
Exercise: Walking.
Harm [day 15]: None

Delay the hurtful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message that I'm
Picking up my chin at last
I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we pray from miles away
In quest for what we long to be

I might crumble, I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
But you're my everlasting friend
Everlasting friend

Also, I'm super proud of Ari. <3

Seventy-Three

I still feel like crap. A bit less, but blargh.

I'm don't even know how I feel anymore, whether im getting better or worse, or even whether theres anything to get better or worse from.
Breakfast: 2 pieces of multigrain toast w/butter
Lunch: Grilled chicken sandwich
Dinner: Cheese and Lettuce sandwich
Other: handful of cheezies, juice, a few small cookies
Exercise: paddocks
Harm [day 14]: None. :D Bought myself two new books as a reward.

I think it's time for me to stop feeling bad now. That would be great, kthxbai.

Into the ocean, end it all

I want to swim away but don't know how
Sometimes it feels just like I'm falling in the ocean
Let the waves up take me down
Let the hurricane set in motion, yeah
Let the rain of what I feel right now, come down
Let the rain come down

Shut the fuck up. Life matters. MY life matters. It's not all pointless, even if I feel stuck, and it IS worth trying for. Quit telling me it doesn't. Quit putting the temptation in my mind to slit open my wrists and cover the floor with blood. Quit suggesting I steal my grandma's sleeping pills and overdose on them. Shut up. There are people that need me. People that care. That would be selfish. Even if it doesn't get better, I need to stay for them. Quit telling me that I'm wrong.

Now waking to the sun
I calculate what I had done.
Like jumping from the bow, yeah
Just to prove that I knew how, yeah....

My will to quickly end it all, so thought no end my need to fall.

...I feel stuck.

Where is the coastguard
I keep looking each direction
For a spotlight, give me something
I need something for protection
Maybe flotsam junk will do just fine
The jetsam sunk, I'm left behind
I'm treading for my life believe me
(How can I keep up this breathing)

How is it possible to feel this apathetic and detached, and yet this emotional?

Not knowing how to think
I scream aloud, begin to sink
My legs and arms are broken down
With envy for the solid ground
I'm reaching for the life within me

Seventy-Two

Whenever I admit to someone I cut or fasted or binged I feel like an attention whore and like I did it just for that. And whenever I do anything like that, I go over and over in my head what I would say to different people, just never say it.
Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Pasta and applesauce
Other: Binge.
Exercise: Tiny walk - not really exercise.
Harm [day 13]: None

Seventy-One

I dont believe that I can really be considered a "cutter" because they're not deep or bad enough. I also don't believe I have an eating disorder.
Breakfast: 2 pieces of toast with butter
Lunch: Mac 'n Cheese
Dinner: Hotdog, cheezies
Other: 1/4 glass of juice, 2 pieces of fudge.
Exercise: paddocks, walking
Harm [day 12]: None

I'm so fat. FAT. Disgusting. Huge. Full of lard. Overweight. Borderline obese. FAT.
FATFATFATFATFAT.

My stomach. There is an excess of fat on it. If I grab it it's too much to fit in both hands. If I jump, it jiggles. It shouldn't jiggle. It jiggles more than my boobs do. It's full of fat. Fatfatfatfatfat. I get a huge muffin top, particularly if I wear anything remotely tight pants-wise.
I have huge lovehandles - not hips, lovehandles - and they hang over and stick out. My stomach sticks out more than my boobs do and that's not good. You can grab it and squeeze it and feel the fat. It's easily visible and gross. GROSS.
My thighs are huge. There's a lot of fat around the bone and muscle and if I stand 'like a guy' [feet shoulder width apart] my thighs stick together. At the top of my thighs there's fat sticking out towards eachother. My calves are huge. Most half chaps won't fit me and they just look disgusting. DISGUSTING.
My arms have fat I can pinch and pull at. It hangs off of them. Fucking chicken wings.
Where my collarbones should be is covered in fat. If I so much as look down I have a double chin. My back is all sdfghfdgohfd and where there should be some muscle and back dimples there is only fat. It sits on me like jello. Wiggling and sticking out and squishing. My hands are chubby and ew. They look like they belong to a morbidly obese person. So is my face. Chubby. Chubby cheeks and fat covered and bleh. Chub chub chub.
FAT.
SO DISGUSTING AND FAT.
NO WONDER PEOPLE DON'T LIKE YOU, YOU FUCKING FATASS.
What are you doing eating that biscuit? It's huge! Your stomach is the size of your fist inside [or should be] and that biscuit is that huge in itself. And that bowl of soup. Could you possibly take a bigger serving?! I mean really. Who gave you the right to eat that much. Who said you DESERVED it?! There are people starving and you sit there on your ass and eat. Eat and eat and eat and eat. Your mom likes that soup and those biscuits, why don't you be a good daughter and leave it for her, instead of leeching off of her like a parasite and eating all her food.
That's what you are, a parasite. Stealing from others what you don't even need yourself.
You're so fat, it's not like you even need to eat. Your body has enough fat to sustain itself, and it would do you some good to lose a few pounds. Or rather, a lot. A lot of pounds. A lot of fat. What are you doing, eating that much? Are you TRYING to make yourself more unattractive than you already are? Seriously. It's not like you could ever be pretty, let alone beautiful, but at the very least you could be slim. Maybe. I mean, you have huge bones so you'd never be skinny, but at least you could be fit. Not overweight like a fucking fatass.
Feel that full feeling in your stomach? TOO full? How it stretches at your belly and sits there, like the weight that you just added on? Oh, here we see the fatass bitch in it's natural habitat: the kitchen. See how it expands with every bite and grows larger and larger. See how it;s in the way, and takes more than it needs.
FAT.
FAT.
FATFATFATFAT.
FUCKING FATASS.
FATASSFATASS.
You disgust me.

Seventy

Breakfast: skipped because I slept in.
Lunch: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Dinner: bowl of homemade tomato soup, homemade baking powder biscuit
Other: 1 chocolate, juice, 1 small piece of pizza.
Exercise: None
Harm [day 11]: None

This house.
Not 'home'. Not anymore.

I've lived here since I was born. It's always been Home. Or, at least, one of them. But since my dad died, it screwed everything up. The house is torn apart. The lights are off if possible and the heaters aren't used because my grandma can't afford the electricity bill. I barely go upstairs unless people are here, except to go to the bathroom or kitchen. It's just me and my grandma and I can't stand her.
The atmosphere here was never good, that I can remember. It always bothered me. But now it's worse. It doesn't feel like home. It's cold, dark, empty, and strange.
Also, I've been spending most my time at my moms now, instead of just weekends, which both contributes to it and is an effect of the...lack of familiarity.

Bleh. I can't wait till mom moves, so I can take the dog and all my stuff here and stay there.

Sixty-Nine

Feeling better today. Exausted though.

I say I have trust issues, but really, it's not that I have troubles trusting people, I'm just afraid to. Trusting people comes easily, but I get so afraid to, that I have to force myself not to.
Breakfast:1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: Turkey ceasar sub
Dinner: pizza.
Other: vanilla milkshake
Exercise: Riding lesson, walking
Harm [day 10]: None

I'm allowed to be happy, quit telling me I'm not. Just because I feel sad now doesn't mean that it's linked to the fact that felt happy earlier. Happiness is not always followed by feeling like shit. Stop twisting my thoughts.

I need a hug.

Also, for once I would like to not be [physically] alone when I break down or feel like shit.

I can't expect people to be able to catch the subtle changes in people's mood as well as I do.
But still, just once, I wish someone would notice, and ask...am I okay?
For once, I'd like to notice when I'm not 'all there' and something is bothering me. Even if I don't want to open up at first. I don't want to whine, or drain you for attention, but sometimes, it would be nice to know someone cares.
Why am I stuck with this. Why...

Why...

Why...

Sixty-Eight

I read The Perks of Being a Wallflower last night, despite knowledge that it was a bad idea. This is the book that depressed Hastings so much that he stopped talking for a month and a half. But out of some form of curiousity I decided to read it. All in one go.
It's a good book. Very emotional. I don't know that I suggest it or not. Because it's very depressing. But good. I need some time to think over it, perhaps even read it again [Though preferably, with someone to cuddle afterwards.]

Sometimes I think that every word I say, ever, is a lie. <- Even that sentence.
Breakfast: Sandwich w/mayo, red pepper jelly, cheese, lettuce
Lunch: Chicken pot pie
Dinner: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal
Other: Iced tea with hot water, 2 pieces of raisin toast, a few bagelbites, vanilla milkshake
Exercise: Riding lesson, walking
Harm [day 9]: None

Sixty-Seven

I had an awesome day.

Now I'm talking to Ari.
Holy shit, I can't stop grinning. <3

Breakfast: Two pieces of toast . One with butter and one with homemade peach jam.
Lunch: Strawberry smoothie.
Dinner: Smokie with bun, ketchup, mustard. Cheezies.
Other: Coke, juice, one piece of toblerone, a small handful of honey almonds.
Excersize: A little bit of walking
Harm: None

Hey Love. Felt you might not have been doing so well, and I know you'll be reading this.  <3

Don't give up, it takes a while
I have seen this look before
And it's alright
You're not alone
If you don't love this anymore
I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

Take some time and learn to breathe
And remember what it means
To feel alive
And to believe
Something more than what you see
I know there's a price for this
But some things in life you must resist

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

I hear that you've slipped again
I'm here 'cause I know you'll need a friend

And you know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

You know that accidents can happen
And it's okay,
We all fall off the wagon sometimes
It's not your whole life
It's only one day
You haven't thrown everything away.

So don't give up
It takes a while.

You can't quit until you try
You can't live until you die
You can't learn to tell the truth
Until you learn to lie

You can't breathe until you choke
You gotta laugh when you're the joke
There's nothing like a funeral to make you feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

I know some things that you don't
I've done things that you won't
There's nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back home

I was waiting for my hearse
What came next was so much worse
It took a funeral to make me feel alive

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Alive...
Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Just open your eyes
Just open your eyes
And see that life is beautiful.
Will you swear on your life,
That no one will cry at my funeral?

Sixty-Six

And are you terrified by sadness
And have you given into madness
You're running out of places to hide
'Cause everybody's got a reason
To justify how they're feelin'
Maybe you should open your eyes

Just look at yourself, do you like what you see?
Look at yourself, is this how it should be?
Just look at yourself, 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you'll know

Where ya gonna be tomorrow?
How ya gonna face the sorrow?
Where ya gonna be when you die?
'Cause nothing's gonna last forever
And things they change like the weather
They're gone in the blink of an eye

"Wow, I don't think I've ever seen you eat so much chocolate at one time before."
"...Er.."
"Are you premenstrual?"
"...uh. -shrug-"
"Okay then. It was just odd, that's all."

Great, so someone else noticed me bingeing like a fat pig.

Also, I don't want to deal with The Grandmother today. I know she's going to make me sit there while she rants at me. Maybe I'll just leave.

I have an old t-shirt that I use for soaking up blood. It's tan and looks like someone splatted it with redbrown paint.
Breakfast: leftover pineapple upsidedown cake.
Lunch: Chili w/a mini roll
Dinner: crackers w/cheese and garlic sausage
Other: Juice, small piece of cheesecake
Excersize: Walking
Harm: None. I'm terrified to check how many days it's been, for risk of freaking out over it.

Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go
And you know

Tomorrow
You're gonna have to live with the things you say
Tomorrow
You'll have to cross bridges that you burned today
Tomorrow...
And everything you do, it's coming back for you
You'll never outrun what waits for you
Tomorrow.

Are you waiting for the reason to change?
Are you waiting for the end, has it came?
Nothing's gonna stand in your way...

Take the light, and darken everything around me
call the clouds and listen closely, I'm lost without you
Call your name every day when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Hate the mind, regrets are better left unspoken
For all we know, this void will grow and
Everything's in vain, distressing you though it leaves me open
Feels so right, but I'll end this all before it gets me

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this doubt

I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)
I'll mend myself before it gets me
(I'll mend myself before it gets me)

Call your name every day, when i feel so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Call your name every day, when i seem so helpless
I'm fallin' down, but I'll rise above this, rise above this
Forty eight ways to say that I'm feelin' helpless
Fallin' down, fallin down', but I'll rise above this, rise above this

Roll on Roll on Roller Coaster
We're one day older and one step closer
Roll on there's mountains to climb
Roll on we're on borrowed time
Roll on Roller coaster
Roll on tonight

Sittin' here alone I'm lookin' back on where I've roamed
And laughing how I swore I'd win and not get burned
Left my family
Left my home
I worked my fingers to the bone
And there was not a stone I did not leave unturned

Sixty-Five

I'm waiting.

I love control. I crave it, need it. Over myself. Over others too. But responsibility scares me.
Breakfast: 2 pieces of toast w/brown sugar
Lunch: Bagel w/cream cheese and cheese
Dinner: Cheese smokie with chutney, 3 different salads
Other: Dole sparkler, peach juice, pineapple upside down cake, chocolate binge.
Excersize: None
Harm: None

Sixty-Four

Got to see Hastings today. Yaaaaaaaaay~

I've been minorly bingeing all weekend. I'm not very impressed with it.

Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese
Lunch: A can of pringles =/
Dinner: Chinese ribs and stir fried vegetables
Other: Cheezies, dole sparklers, ginger ale, banana cream pie blizzard,
Excersize: Walking
Harm: None.

2011.

The first song of 2011: The Last Night.
Yes. This is the last night of 2010 and it's The. Last.
2011 will be good. It'll be the year to make things better.


You come to me with scars on your wrist
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this
I just came to say goodbye
I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

Your parents say everything is your fault
But they don't know you like I know you they don't know you at all
I'm so sick of when they say
It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine
But I know it's a lie.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.

The last night away from me

The night is so long when everything's wrong
If you give me your hand I will help you hold on
Tonight,
Tonight.

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be.
The last night you'll spend alone,
I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go,
I'm everything you need me to be.
I won't let you say goodbye,
I'll be your reason why.

The last night away from me,
Away from me.

<3