121

I legit look pregnant.
I need to lose weight ><;

Breakfast: two pieces of toast, smoothie.
Lunch: popcorn
Dinner: pasta
Other: Juice, cookies.
Exercise: None
Harm: None

120

I hate grey.

Breakfast: toast with strawberries
Lunch: Half a pancake, no topping.
Dinner: nacho chicken nuggets, raw veggies
Other: Diet A&W root beer, half a mini pizza
Exercise: None
Harm: None. I was going to, but Ari stopped me. <3

119

"I know what it's like to want to die. How it hurts to smile. How you try to fit in but you can't. How you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside."
I don't know.

"My family had a lot of characteristics - achievements, ambitions, talents, expectations - that all seemed to be recessive in me."

I just, don't know.


Food: Don't even want to talk about it.
Exercise: None
Harm: None

"Suicide is a form of murder— premeditated murder. It isn’t something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes some getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind.

It’s important to cultivate detachment. One way to do this is to practice imagining yourself dead, or in the process of dying. If there’s a window, you must imagine your body falling out the window. If there’s a knife, you must imagine the knife piercing your skin. If there’s a train coming, you must imagine your torso flattened under its wheels. These exercises are necessary to achieving the proper distance.

The debate was wearing me out. Once you've posed that question, it won't go away. I think many people kill themselves simply to stop the debate about whether they will or they won't. Anything I thought or did was immediately drawn into the debate. Made a stupid remark—why not kill myself? Missed the bus—better put an end to it all. Even the good got in there. I liked that movie—maybe I shouldn’t kill myself.

In reality, it was only part of myself I wanted to kill: the part that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement, and subway station a rehearsal for tragedy."

"Scar tissue has no character. It's not like skin. It doesn't show age or illness or pallor or tan. It has no pores, no hair, no wrinkles. It's like a slip cover. It shields and disguises what's beneath. That's why we grow it; we have something to hide."

"I have to go, be good." he tells me.
Be Good.

but i am not good. i am not capable of goodness and i certainly don't choose it.
i am not good and i do not deserve to be treated as such, so i will not. 
in doing this, i am even less good.

i am a Parasite.
a tumour.
a bruise.
i am empty of all things good.

fall in love with the empty girl.

118

Had an awesome few days with Sandi. I loved sneaking out at 2 am to walk to the park... in 17-inch-deep snow... to swing. That was amazing. My favourite things [with one exception]: snow, the nighttime, swings. All in one place, at one time.

On another note though, my eating has been shit recently. I'm starting to get into stupid cycles.

Also, I'm a fucking IDIOT.

"From: [Name removed]
To: [Me]
CC:
Subject: this course
Sent: Thursday, February 24, 2011
hi [Me];
You have been registered in this course since November and have yet to reach active status. Please contact me be Wed, Mar 2 to discuss your options. If I do not hear from you by then, you will be automatically withdrawn from the course.
[Name removed]"
---
"Hello [Me] I need you to complete and/or hand in your module 1. If you do not do this soon I will have to drop you from the course to make room for other students. If you plan on continuing in this course please get back to me and hand in module 1. Once you have handed in the first module I will give you the next two. Once you have finished all three you only have to complete your activity log and hand it in and you will be complete. Please respond to this email.

Thanks

[Name removed]"

Fucking whiney stupid lazy bitch.

You had all the time in the world to do the work. And reasons to do it. And no real demands other than you do this very basic work. And absolutely no excuses not to. AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN START IT! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You're just a huge disappointment and a failure. So stupid that you don't even try. And you sit here and whine about it, like it isn't all your own fault. "oh woe is me, the world is so tough because i'm too lazy to try" SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU WHINEY LITTLE BITCH. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU. you didn't even START. And instead of starting the work, you're just sitting here whining about it. that's all you ever do. "oh woe is me, i cut myself." "oh i'm so fat but i'm gonna sit here and continue to pig out" SHUT UP.
Your mom is going to be so disappointed with you. All she wants is for you to do what you failed at last year. And you can't even do that because you're a fucking lazy idiot. You can hear her frustration and disappointment in your head already, can't you? And it's deserved. She should kick you out, you never do anything. You're lucky she's as nice as she is. And yet you continue to fail her.
I am so disgusted by you.

Breakfast: two pieces of toast w/butter and peanut butter.
Lunch: salad, smoothie.
Dinner: spaghetti
Other: juice, hot chocolate.
Exercise: walking through snow
Harm: None.

too much emotion.
cut.
cut some more.
50.
numb.

Stupid, Stupid, Stupid. I need to stop cutting on my arms [well, in general, but.] I don't know why they're so appealing. But they are. Flesh more tender, lines more natural against the shape of the forearm.
Stupid. I don't like hiding my arms, it's more difficult, I overheat, it's suspicious, and I don't need scars there.
Fuck.

measure me in metered lines, in one decisive stare,
the time it takes to get from here to there.
...
I'm unconsoled, I'm lonely.
I am so much better than I used to be.

Terrified of telephones and shopping malls and knives,
And drowning in the pools of other lives.
...
Get clobbered on by courtesy, in love with love, and lousy poetry.

And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it almost feels okay.

Circumnavigate this body of wonder and uncertainty.
Armed with every precious failure, and amateur cartography,
I breathe in deep before I spread those maps out on my bedroom floor.

And I'm leaning on this broken fence between Past and Present tense.
And I'm losing all those stupid games that I swore I'd never play.
But it feels okay.

And I'm leaving. Wave goodbye.
And I'm losing, but I'll try, with the last ways left, to remember.
Sing my imperfect offering.

116

So believe you're who you are
And stay in character
But at the end of the play the audience walks away
And I'll be shivering cold on a well lit stage

Breakfast: 1/3 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: 2 sticks sugarfree gum.
Dinner: chicken and a caesar salad.
Other: Juice, bagel.
Exercise: Riding lesson, walking
Harm:

fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly FAT AND UGLY fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly fat and ugly

It's the little things that hurt.
Like when a family friend of Hannelore's looked at pictures of our grade nine leaving dance and said "She doesn't really have the figure for wearing a dress."
Like when I was ten and my father asked if I lost weight. When I said yes, he told me, "Thank goodness! For a while there I was scared you were going to look like K!" [K was overweight].
Like when my uncle made fun of me for how much I ate.
Like when T jokingly whispered "Weight Watchers." to me in band.
Like when Natasha started dieting and I told her she didn't need to [she was TINY], she told me, "Yeah, well what's fat on you is different than on me. It's okay, you're used to it, it's normal for you. It's not for me."
Like when I found out my mother used to have a 26" waist and I measured mine and felt inadequate.

My problems hide in numbers that leave when i gag and heave.

115

I'm so uneasy today. Restless.

i dreamed of razorblades scattered across a cement floor. neverending. pick one up, another appears just out of sight.
Gotta pick them up. all of them.
Gotta hide them.
People can't find them. can't. CAN'T.
i touch them and they stain with blood. So. Much. Blood. no matter what i do, they just get more and more red, a glistening patch of colour against faded silver.
stuff in my pockets. re-adjust. no matter what i do, they stick out. so obvious against my dark hoodie.
wrap them up and stuff them in my bra. they bleed through kleenex and more appear, between kleenex and skin, staining my flesh.
They won't go away and I can't hide or get rid of them no matter what i do.

Food: I've been bingeing all day. Purged once. ROAR.
Exercise: None
Harm:

Deep, deep inside of your heart
There is a weight that still needs to be lifted.
You cover it up, but the pain never stops.
Sometimes I wish that you would just listen.
Deep, deep inside of yourself
There is a soul starving for some affection.
Been waiting for years and the time passes by -
All you ever wanted was to fit in.

So I wrote you this song.
I hope that you like it
Cause you light up my life,
And I know you can fight this.
You're the most beautiful girl in the world,
And I wanted you to know.

You're constantly waiting for life
To start and fill up the surroundings.
If you only looked right by your side
You'd find that it never had left you.
You've lived through so much
And seen so many things through your eyes,
And I wish you could just see -
If it were up to me I would construct a key to your heart
and finally set you free.

So I wrote you this song.
I hope that you like it
Cause you light up my life
And I know you can fight this.
You're the most beautiful girl in the world
And I wanted you to know.

You can call me;
You've got no reason to hide.
You're so lovely;
Built with a beautiful mind.


Built with a beautiful mind

So, I wrote you this song.
I hope that you like it
Cause you light up my life,
And I know you can fight this.
You're the most beautiful girl in the world,
And I wanted you to know.

114

Once again I was kept from sleep by waking dreams of metal that bites and blood that heals.

Breakfast: 1/3 cup homemade oatmeal
Lunch: half a bowl of cheezies
Dinner: Beef&greens stirfry, rice.
Other: Juice, peach iced tea, pie.
Exercise: Walking
Harm: None

No. No, this won't help. Stop it. You know better than this. The main reason you're feeling so bad is because of the withdrawl. The longer you can go without the easier it'll be, you know that.  You're not going to start feeling better until you're out of this. So don't make it so difficult on yourself - you want to feel better, right? You want to stop feeling like shit every night, so don't continue this. Let yourself feel better. I know it hurts now, but it'll get better if you make it happen. You don't need this. It doesn't control you. And it won't make you feel better even short-term, because you'll feel guilty afterwards.

...that sounds great. Now I just have to make myself believe it. -sigh-

113

I was cleaning out my old bedroom today, and stumbled upon one of my old journals.
Apparently my depression started earlier than I thought.
I thought it started around grade nine, but re-reading things, I was already showing signs around grade seven [age 12] and by grade eight I was complaining of constantly feeling bad and not knowing why, and how stupid I felt for being unmotivated and crying over nothing. And how frustrated I was that I couldn't seem to feel good no matter what I did.
Hrrm.


Breakfast: toast
Lunch: chicken salad sandwich, small salad
Dinner: skipped
Other: granola bar, tea, half a sandwich, orange, juice
Exercise: Paddocks, some walking. 75 situps [which made me almost throw up, and get dizzy. wtf. 75 isn't many at all, that shouldn't happen]
Harm:

112

I didn't do food logs or anything for the past two days. I apologize.

I'm not sure what to type here. I feel like an update is in order, since I haven't been doing much blogging at all.

I'm slipping.

I feel tired. So goddamn exhausted. I feel like an old woman, waiting for death. I can't think of a single thing that'll happen in the next few years to look forward to. Everything just seems like one more thing I have to deal with. One more thing that's shit. One more thing that I can't bring myself to care about though I should. One more thing to dread.

Ari is pretty much my rock. My hold on life. I don't know what I'd do without her. <3 Seriously. She's the only thing that brightens up my day.

I'm very torn right now. I want to feel better, I want to reach out to someone and say "Hey, I haven't been doing so well recently. It hurts a lot. I need someone." I want help... I'd rather not need it, but I'm not sure that I don't. But at the same time I want to withdraw from everyone. From life itself, but mostly from everyone [except for Ari] that cares. I want to shut down. I say "I'm fine." and "I've been doing better." and "It's okay." I lie.
And people believe me.
Sometimes I wish someone would call me on it, and not stop or let me bullshit them. Even if I snap. Even if I hurt them.
^Stupid, selfish bitch. You know you just hurt people. That's all you ever do. That's not okay.

I want to give up on everything. Hide. Escape. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to do this. this.

Look at that. I, I, I, I, I,I, I. I want this, I want that. Needy, pathetic, whiney, selfish.
I honestly can't see how anyone can see anything good in me.

I hate feeling so weak. Being so weak.

I'm seriously doubting whether things will get better.
you're barely breathing, i know.
what if it's starting to show?
and i know it won't ever change,
but it hurts the same.

It hurts just to exist.

I am so shaken up.

Last night I had possibly the worst panic attack I've ever had. I think so. It was fucking terrifying. I was also in a very large amount of emotional pain combined with that, combined with something else... this weird humming that wouldn't go away, it felt like my head was plugged with it.
I ended up cutting. But it was...again, fucking terrifying. Usuallly when I get to that point it calms me down. But I completely lost control. Normally I'm calm and methodical and precise, but I ended up just slashing wildly at my leg. Not a huge amount of space...the side and front of my right calf. But I just kept cutting on top of cuts and it's a good thing the razor was mostly dull because otherwise they would have been pretty deep. Normally I slow down after the first little bit but I didn't stop for over a half an hour. Again, they weren't dangerously deep or anything, but I ended up covering my entire leg in blood and soaking through a t-shirt and a half. I was completely out of control. My leg was literally radiating heat from the amount of blood.
I've never lost it like that. It didn't hurt for almost two hours later. And I couldn't even clean it till this morning so I had to sleep with dried blood caked on my leg.
So not only did I have the most fucking SCARY state of mind, I also lost control a huge amount.
I've never been this shaken up or terrified about myself. About other people, okay, yeah, but not like this. I don't even know why, I had a good day.
I really hope this never happens again.

Breakfast: smoothie, toast
Lunch:
Dinner:
Other:
Exercise: some walking, not really.
Harm: Don't know how many. Don't want to count.

oh my god i can't breathe. my entire body is humming. it won't stop. it's in my head and my cheeks and my arm and i'm dizzy and shaking and i can't think. thinking too fast. no thought. oh my god my chest hurts. it hurts IT HURTS.
can't think
trying to keep control.
i'm slipping the world is slipping away and i can't hold on to it. everything's muted and humming and my head is cottoney. im shaking. i can't feel anytihng around me im not here oh god what is happening not this again. stop. stopstopstopstopstopstopSTOP i can't oh god i can't i can't breathe i can't do this. it's not going to be okay. it's not. it'snotit'snotitsnot oh god it's fucked up and i can't do anything i can't breathe help me

109

My kit is all in one place, now.
3 razor blades taken from disposable razors
1.5 dispozable razors [3 potential blades]
2 pencil sharpener blades
1 short steak knife
sewing kit [needles, pins, mini scissors]
2 lighters
1 pair of 'snips' [mini scissors]
1 sharp pair of tweezers
a few bandages
antibiotic cream
half a roll of vetrap
two old bloodstained t-shirts for soaking up blood.

I should get rid of it, but I can't.
won't.
Whatever.

Breakfast: 1.5 pieces of toast w/peanut butter
Lunch: Chicken salad sandwich w/lettuce
Dinner: small pasta microwave dinner.
Other: Juice, apple, smoothie, stick of spearmint gum
Exercise: walking
Harm:

108

Happy day of martyrdom, guys. Also known as day for bitter singles, and the one day a year where couples can be ridiculously cheesy and sappy and not be verbally assaulted for it.

Love for everyone. <3

Breakfast: smoothie, handful of cereal

Lunch: chicken, rest of smoothie

Dinner: chicken salad on lettuce, pickles, tomato

Other: Juice, date square, piece of dark chocolate

Exercise: None

Harm: