I'm going to whine now. "Oh woe is me life is so unfair I'm so hard done by, yada yada blah blah blah..."
I'm sick of always being the odd one out.
I'm sick of never fitting in.
I'm sick of being left out of things because no one wants me there.
I hate feeling so isolated.
I hate it when people pretend to be my friends out of pity.
I hate it when my self-hate is proven true.
ETA:
It feels absoloutely great to have someone give up on you.
Great.
Just great.
...
It's fucking terrifying.
I'm trying to get better, I swear. I don't want it to be accepted, or let slide.
.... please, don't give up on me.
...
Also, I am such a fucktard.
Hey - I like the fact you are telling yourself you are beautiful every day!
ReplyDeleteIt's true you know. I know - I know - you don't believe it. But that does not negate the facts.
I remember when I first saw that picture of you up in the tree I thought Wow... she glows with the natural energy of life. You do of course. That's partly why you are having a hard time adapting yourself to the robot world most of us live in.
Personally - I hope you don't completely turn yourself off just so you can fit in. I remember how hard it was to be around most people when I was your age... I'd rather be with my animals than - 'them'. Over time I learned that if I observed their behavior, then maybe I could Act and emulate them when needed. It worked. As long as I told myself I was "acting" - then I didn't lose the real me. I viewed the whole concept as another skill I needed to learn in order to have choices in my life. It also taught me that I don't have to act in only one way - all - the - time.
I still preferred my own self and my animals over the years - but - essentially it got easier and easier for me. I even joined the dreaded sorority in college just so I'd learn more social skills. I watched those girls, and practiced what they did, mostly on dress and how to make small talk in social settings. That experience expanded my awareness greatly and I had some fun too.
Oh wow - I'm just a yakking on your blog. Sorry.
This all started because I wanted to say you are beautiful.
Namaste