I'm so worried for Ari. I always worry, since this is ME we're talking about, and I care about her. But with recent events..... -sigh- Love, I hope you're okay <3
I've been feeling...weird, recently. There's no way around it. Just... weird. I like that I have my own area now, though. The entire downstairs area is mine, with the exception of the basement. Now, if I could only get people to leave me alone more [*coughmygrandmacough*] it'd be great.
I'm trying to feel real. I'm supposedly "living" now...right? It doesn't feel like it. I'm trying to feel here. I really am. I'm trying to care about things and feel the world. It's not working. Everything's fake. I'm fake. The world isn't real. It's somewhere in my mind, behind this fog.
I think i'm going to stop going to therapy. The only reason im going is to put others at ease and off my back about stuff. Reading The Counsellor was fun but now i've got him figured out, so it's boring. I'm not learning anything and i'm more or less incapable of not lying about shit.
Not to mention I AM getting better, albeit slowly, on my own. So i'm told, anyways.
Breakfast: A brownie and a yogurt. Healthy, 'eh? =P
Lunch: Med. Iced Capp.
Dinner: Bagel Bites
Other:
Excersize: An hour of hard walking
Harm:
Days eating properly: 4
Days without self-harming: 2
You know - it occurred to me that if you stopped seeing your counsellor you might not get a chance to go see them if you have an immediate need. I mean - it's like having insurance. Let's say something comes up within you that it would be great for you to have a counsellor to talk it with - and if you let them go - there won't be one there for you.
ReplyDeleteAnother thing I thought of. If you stop seeing the counsellor - will your family/friends think you are getting better and that you are well now? Will they then expect you to act in their expectations of you? At least if you're still seeing a counsellor then that must confirm to them you are still not as well as you could be - or else the counsellor wouldn't still be willing to see you? In other words - the counsellor confirms that you aren't well.
I'd like to see you have a safety net in the form of the counsellor - just in case...
Bored with the counsellor? Ask them to teach you something.
You are a very smart and intelligent young woman. Usually intelligent people are very curious. Get your curious nature primed. Get curious!
And yes - I think you are getting better. Who's to say why - though. Could be because you are seeing a counsellor. Why stop when you have a good momentum going here? To me that's not a logical step to take.
Being bored may be your Ego resisting the transformation you need to be free.
Just thinking out loud here. Take care of yourself. I wish to see you free to live your life.
HUG
If I had an immediate need I doubt I would go to him.
ReplyDeleteHowever, you do make a very good about what that could mean for people's expectations about me. Many people I know would react that way. That, or they would get upset that i'm obviously NOT better and yet not seeing a counsellor. That's definitely a consideration.
I don't know what I could ask him to teach me that I couldn't find some other way, or already know. And I doubt that he'd accept that and would want to keep just talking about me.
I suppose it could be because i'm seeing a counsellor, but I doubt it. It just doesn't... FEEL right. It doesn't feel like that. [N?] As well as because I don't trust therapists/counsellors/etc, I find myself lying without even trying to. I've managed to convince him that i'm not depressed or anxious, that i've completely stopped self-harming and that I never had any eating-related issues to begin with. I didn't go in there with the intention of this happening, but, it did. So because of that, combined with it just not feeling right, i'm quite sure that getting better has nothing to do with him and that he's not really a safety net.
Thanks -hug-
Hmmmm.... can you find yourself another counselor? Maybe a woman this time?
ReplyDeleteAs for asking him to teach you something - my thought was that by him teachng you something he felt comfortable in doing - was that it may bring new dynamics to the relationship between you and he.
You are bored with him. He is probably bored with you too. You guys are at a stalemate. I was hoping to bring new interest for both of you.
I'm sorry he's not working out to be a good person for you to talk with.
I'm actually more comfortable with males, generally. xD
ReplyDeleteI can't think of something that that would be, though. And he's feeling pretty stuck with me, not quite sure where to go. So yeah, probably bored as well.