We all decided that he was too much of a danger to live, so we stuck him in the ocean between the different worlds. But we knew he would never die, no matter what happens. So we left him to a fate of continuously drowning, feeling the pain of being unable to breathe, his lungs burning as he tried to take a breath. For the rest of his life - if that can be called a life.
But the water turned bright red. It turned to blood and began boiling. The water level [not that it was water anymore] rose and began to engulf the miniature worlds, staining everything a darkened red colour as the people screamed in terror. We tried to escape - but it was too late. Demons in the blood swam after us, jaws snapping.
I'm going to put one secret or confession here every day.
I am absolutely terrified. Completely. Of everything.
Breakfast: Cereal w/yogurt instead of milk
Lunch: Bagel bites
Dinner: Part of a chicken pot pie
Other: brownie, leftover punch
Exercise: Exercise bike, jumping, walking, running. [Hanners came over so we goofed around a lot]
Harm: 4 cuts.
I've noticed myself beginning to close myself off again [when I get "closed off" I don't express my emotion at all, I internalize everything, fake everything, and don't let anyone "in" I basically shut down]. Basically, what I was like last year - though not as bad. Yet. Not to that point but going that way. I'm trying to figure out why and how I can help it not get that far again.
I think it's partially because often when I talk about my emotions i'm more inclined to wallow in them[whether they're good or bad] and thus i've been trying to deal with them inwardly more - which is more natural anyways. However I think combined with my isolation from people, it's going too far.
So far, the parts i've identified as having to do with it [though i'm not sure how with all] is buildup of issues, not wanting to talk about said issues [because they're not their problems to deal with, I don't want to be always negative, I think I sound stupid, I don't like letting myself be vulnerable or showing it, expressing what i'm feeling feels wrong, and because it doesn't make sense half the time and very few people are actually able to help], because I don't want to dwell on said issues, something to do with the urge to self-destruct, and something to do with the amount of socialization I have [I need a happy medium. Too much and I get drained and withdraw into my head to deal. Too little and I get isolated, lonely, and am alone with my thoughts too much]
I think that the dissociation/derealization has a LOT to do with it, too. It's hard to not close off from people when I don't feel "here". I want a connection with people. A real emotional connection with people. Not just chatting with someone or spending time. To reach into the very guts of being and dip my arms in the living, pulsating blood, to be liquid thoughts and liquid feelings. That's so difficult, almost impossible, when I'm this detached from everything.
Another thought - As well as as a way of destruction, and a way of keeping control, I think another reason for the eating issues is because it gives me something to focus on when I just don't care. When everything's hazy and foggy and I don't care about anything, I can obsess over the number of calories and feel hungry or full and care about that. When the dissociation and derealization is so bad everything's completely fogged over, it's something for me to care about and think about, to focus on, to make it feel more real.
I'm making some progress on figuring myself out, but right now I need to know how to help this, to make it easier/better and where to go from here. I'm not really sure where to even begin working on this. [No, talking with The Counsellor is not an option]
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