I miss Ari.
I'm dreading christmas.
I feel so isolated from everything.
I'm so stressed.
I keep feeling like something bad is going to happen. In more than one way... Meaning more than one thing.
Fuck.
Fuck it all.
Breakfast: Two pieces of toast with nutella, three mini mandarin oranges
Lunch: Skipped
Dinner: Wendy's. DFGIODFGIODFGIOHGDFO. I wanted to purge this SO bad. The only reason I didn't is because I couldn't. Mom was home. Too much. Way too much.
Other: Glass of eggnog, 3/4 can of ginger ale, a bite of a granola bar.
Excersize: Paddocks, walking.
Harm:
I don't feel like today should count for eating properly. I guess it really wasn't THAT bad, but I skipped lunch then ate Wendy's. Which doesn't feel right.
Opinions, anyone?
Do I think skipping lunch and eating at Wendy's is wrong? No - not particularly. I've found out the more I think about eating - or - not eating some kind of food - the more I WANT to eat it. So - I quit thinking about it all together.
ReplyDeleteI say a Gahta (buddhist monks prayer) before I eat breakfast each morning - well - most mornings. It goes something like this:
"This food is a gift from the whole universe - the Earth - the Sky - and much hard work (from the people who grew it to the people who worked hard to gather it).
May I transform my un-skillful states of mind - especially my greed. May I eat only foods that nourish and sustain me.
May I eat this food so I can continue on the path of my practice of Love, Compassion, and Peace."
Saying this out loud has slowly changed the way I view food. I eat my food while paying attention to how it feels and tastes in my mouth. It makes me chew more and I pause between bites.
I have a very strong and unhealthy emotional relationship with food. My entire family on both sides has the same problem - which is where I learned it from.
To me - dealing with emotional issues that revolve around food is one of the hardest to do. Because you have to eat - otherwise one dies - right? But there it is - staring you in the face - and I think - ugh - will I be able to deal with this without it spiralling into an emotional issue?
Sigh...
So - I have been pleased with my little mantra I say before I eat. I don't quite feel so uptight and weirded out around food any more. I don't focus on it. I don't get upset with myself (as often) as I used to when I eat fast food on the run - or - chocolate with my coffee some days.
If you're asking me about how bad is eating Wendy's food? - then I say you might think of countering the effect of bad food with eating healthy foods - which should include eating colorful vegetables. Broccoli, cabbage, carrots, romaine lettuce, greens, kale, cauliflower, and so on. When I first started eating greens - like mustard, turnip, and collards - I thought I would gag. LOL. But - over time my taste buds got used to them and now I eat a greens at least once or twice a week. I'm 54 and the doctors marvel at how healthy I am. Perhaps it's those god awful greens..... hahahahahaha.