Crash and burn

Wow. Five posts in two days.

I don't even know why i'm writing this. Just wasting time, I suppose. I seem to do a lot of that. Wasting time. As if it's some kind of commodity. In some ways, I suppose, it is. It's really the world's most precious commodity. There's always too little or too much of it. Never the right amount. It's wasted, and borrowed, and bought, which means it's an item of sorts. Yet it can also be killed....it is living?
Hmm. Time is a slave. Yet we're also a slave to time.

I really do a lot of wasting of time. I spend my time sitting on the computer and complaining about being bored, when really, there's so many other, more productive, things I can be doing. Like sorting my life out. I guess I just keep hoping that if I sit here long enough, everything will slow to a halt and I won't have to worry about anything like deadlines or time or my life.

...or, more likely, i'm just a lazy fatass. *shrug*

People ask me why i'm so hard on myself. The truth is, I wish I could see what they see. I do. But, since I can't, I won't bother. I'll vent my feelings towards myself and maybe punish myself too, because that's what I deserve. It's all I can see, so, I want to feel it, too.

--Great job Cat. You're fucked everything up yet again. Or, more precisely, still. You're still fucking everything up. When are you going to stop being an idiot? Whena re you going to stop being a failure? When are you going to get ahold of yourself? When are you going to stop being a fuck up?
Urgh. Good job, bitch.
Ugly.
Stupid.
Fat. 
Liar.
Failure.

All these things that you've written on yourself, in red... That you've marked in yourself... Do you know why? Because they're true. You are such a bitch, so ugly. Such a stupid, failure. And I wonder what'd come out of your mouth if you weren't a liar. 

They're right, y'know. You ARE an attention whore. You ARE a selfish bitch.

Fuck you. Go die in a fucking hole. It's what you deserve. I hate you. Fix your broken self, or give up. Because you're not worth it. Go die in a hole.

You're horrible, you know that? Just, just horrible. How can you do this? How can you be like this? How can you BE this?! You're so messed up. You're so fucked. You're fucked in the head. No wonder you hate yourself. You SHOULD. And not only are you messed up, you're ugly as shit. And you're fat. Oh my god, are you fat. You're disgusting and terrible looking, and you're just so ugly. Ugly and fat.
Fine, you know what? Go ahead, sit there and destroy yourself. Keep on destroying yourself from the inside out. Let yourself become one of your monsters.
See if I care.
I hate you.
Get a grip.


......


You. Are such a failure.
I am so sick of you. Of dealing with your stupid mistakes, of cleaning up your messes. Can't you ever do anything right?! Apparently not.

You're destroying everything you ever had, and eventually there will be nothing left. You're failing school, failing being happy... failing life. You're going to lose your job, and if you keep going, everybody who loves you and cares about you. If you let yourself alienate everyone you love, everyone will have given up on you and all you'll have left is yourself. Oh, no, wait. You won't even have that. I barely know this person, this monster, that you've become. And I hate it. I hate YOU. Get a grip.

You're so worthless, not worthy of anyone's attention, anyone's love, anyone's trust, anyone's praise. You aren't worth anything. You're nothing more than the words inscribed in your skin. I'm actually glad that they're there forever. That way, you'll never forget what a failure and fuck-up you are. And despite that they're permanantly engraved in your skin, I feel the need to go over them again, make them bleed crimson drops, just so that the pain reminds you, too. Every second of every day, so you'll never forget. And then you can sit there and think of how much you deserve that pain, and smile.

But I haven't, and why? Because other people don't want me to. Because other people who will all eventually hurt and/or abandon you, anyways. And it's not even like I can blame them - I'd abandon you, if I had the chance.

You keep messing everything up. What's your grades in school, Cat? What's your percentages? Did you go on the trip, Cat? No? And why not?
How are you doing at work, Cat? What about at the barn? And how many people have you hurt this week?

You just can't control yourself, can you? Or maybe you can, but you just choose not to. Hell, you can't even eat right. See that? See that fat? You're so disgusting, you pig. You're so ugly. I honestly hate you. No, I DESPISE you. I despise you more than I've ever hated anyone before.
Inside and out, you're just horrible.

Go ahead. Keep going on this path. See where it leads you. You're going to have nothing left. Nobody left. Not... not even yourself.

You ugly, fat bitch. You stupid, pathetic liar.
You horrible failure.
Just... Go die in a hole or something. I don't care anymore. I just... *sigh* I don't care what happens to you.--


No, those were not written recently, [If you didn't realise, all those excerpts are things i've written in the past] but if anything, my thoughts towards myself have only gotten worse. 


To make a change, I have to commit to it. I have to really, truly want it.
....I guess i'm stuck, then.
Fuuuuun times. Not.
Oh well. Things will either get better, stay the same, or end completely. *shrug*

Food: 1 piece of toast with peanut butter, 1/4 banana. [Ew..] A lot of ice cream [FATTY. FATTYFATTYFATTYFATTY. FATASS FAILURE]. Chicken Pot Pie [UGLY BITCH]
I was planning on eating much less than that today, but hanging out with certain friends doesn't allow that.
Injuries: None today. Legs and arm still healing.