Day Two

Last night/this morning is hard. I woke up happy and it still took me a half an hour long argument with myself just to tell myself that today would be okay. And another 15 min one trying to tell myself that i'm beautiful. I feel like such a fucking liar when I say that. I've literally gotten fatter over one day of eating properly, my stomach expanded. I'm not happy about this. I've caught myself more than once this morning, making plans to restrict to be smaller again for [insert date here]. But no. I can't do that.
I want to stop eating. I want to binge. I want to bleed. I don't want to get better. Fuck happiness, I just want to do what I want.
....but i'm not going to let this happen. I'm going to get better and it WILL work and I WILL be happy.

I've been thinking a lot about things. I think that the detachment from everything and confusion about what's inside my head and out, is derealization. It would make a lot of sense.

Also, me and Ari have been asking ourelves and eachother questions, trying to figure out why we are the way we are. Hopefully that will give us some insight into ourselves and how to get better, or at the very least an understanding of who we are and how we got here, and also, ways to help eachother. I'll post them here.

Why the uncomfortableness of discussing it, even with people you know
know and won't judge? Why is it such a difficult topic to talk about?
[self-harm, ED's, etc.]

I think it's partially a shame thing, partially a fear of judgement, but even more so, a fear that they will understand, because that makes them closer. And if I tell them and they just get angry or whatever, it's more of an excuse to get worse, whereas if I open up and people understand and try to help, I feel bad for not getting better, and even more, for not wanting to get better.

Why is the thought of getting better, and being happy, so scary?

I think my reasons are similar to yours. I can't imagine life without this. It's all I know. But this didnt really start till around 14, and then really badly at 15. So my personality did become partially developed. But even though it's only been, like, a year, it's all I can remember how to feel. I don't know how to be happy. As well as if I get better...what if the habits just stop and I still feel like shit? What then? Then everything is still fucked up and I have no way of coping with it.

Why the obsession with weight? We both like curvier girls xD

I think it's really just another form of self harm, for me. I mean, I always knew I was a bit overweight, but it never really bothered me all that much, or at least, I refused to let it. But it became another thing I could make myself more fucked up with, destroy my mind and body even more with. As well as i've always binge-ate somewhat. More than the average person but not to the point of like UHFUGHDHSUFHUSDHFDS. And as I became more aware of that, restricting, just... became a way of dealing with that, but then it put me in a cycle with it that's really...irritating. XD

What do we get out of these "bad habits"? Is it something we can get

out of something else?

I'd say it helps deal with all the fucked up emotions, but really, it more or less caused them. I guess it's the same as with you. Comfort. But for different reasons. I get get into this whole situation and routine and not have to worry about things because im too busy worrying about this, and if i'm not happy then I don't have to worry about the crash downwards from being happy. And it can detach me from everything, at least for a while, and as I feel emotion supersupersuper strongly, it is sometimes nice. It's also a way of physically manifesting how fucked up I feel and how chaotic everything seems. Is it something I can get from something else? I dunno. Probably, just need to find it. We'll see.

Why is it so easy to hide things and lie from ourselves, yet so hard to tell a beneficial "lie" [something we believe to be untrue], such as saying that you're beautiful, even when you don't believe it?

I think it's because it's not something we want to believe, 'cause we don't [didn't?] want to get better. Like, one can lie to themself and say everything is okay because they want to convince themself and the others around them that they're okay. But they don't want to run the risk of believing it because that might mean getting better, which is scary.

How did all of this get started?

This....is a very difficult question to answer. I've got multiple theories, all of them might be right, or they might all be wrong. I'm still figuring this one out. But one thing is that it just...built up. I was dealing with my own problems [which weren't all that large, but it's all how you perceive it] because I knew how to deal with things emotionally. What I didnt know how to do was also deal with other people's problems with a sense of detachment. So I pushed mine to the side to deal with others, and to convince myself that it was alright, even then I downplayed everything and was like "Cat, it's not that big of a deal, ignore it and hope it goes away", which just made it build up and up, making me gradually get worse and worse, until I eventually snapped and everything went downhill from there, and I forgot HOW to deal with my problems, and then I had bigger ones to deal with, caused by my coping mechanism, and the only thing I could do to cope was keep doing what I was doing. By the time I realised this it was too late and I was too secure in all of this to truly try to get out of it.

Stuff: 


Breakfast: 1/2 cup homemade oatmeal. Very small amount of brown sugar and cinnamon added to it, as well as some apple pieces.

Lunch: Skipped. Fuck.

Dinner: TBA, but i'm going to be making pizza with my mom, as per usual friday. A. might come.

Harm: None.

Excersize: Cleaning paddocks.

As per usual, no internet on the weekends, so I will update this, and the rest of the weekend's posts, on monday when i'm back at my grandma's.

"If you could see yourself, just for a day, you'd see how everyone else sees you. And my god, you are fucking beautiful"