Crash and burn

What happened?
How did we get here?
Did we change paths,
or were we on the same path all along?
Did something happen to set this in motion?
Is this planned?
Is it fate?
Is it choice?
Is it a mistake? 


These questions are all hypothetical, of course. 
I know exactly how I ended up this way. I know exactly what led me here. It's all my decision - it has been all along. I chose this. This is mine. It is my past, my present, and most likely my future. I knew full well the consequences of my actions. And yet, I did them anyways. 
This is why I argue when people say that it isn't my fault, that I don't deserve this. Because I chose it. I knew where this path would lead, yet I chopped down bushes and trees to get to this broken, jagged path.


A life without trust. That, I never wanted. I always thought i'd be able to trust Brother. But, no. He has broken it, and in doing so, me. Now all I have is Hastings and Ari. And they've both hurt me before... but I can't. I can't survive on my own, I can't. CAN'T. can'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan'tcan't. That's a word I use a lot. Can't. Can not. Cannot. CANT. Ne peuvent pas.

It seems everybody is having troubles, these days. 
Cane has started destroying herself again, and nobody has noticed.
Pratchett clawed his arm up for the first time yesterday.
Hastings feels like he's lost touch with everything that was important to him.
I haven't heard from Morning. I'm worried she's dead.
Hannelore is trying to keep everything together.
Batgirl won't tell me what's wrong.
Mother is upset, frightened, hurt, and worried.
Ari says that everything is falling apart.


And me? I'm just going....going...
....no. Not yet. No. I refuse. I'm here. I am here and I am fine.
F. I. N. E.
u  n  e  m
c  s  u   o
k  e  r   t
e  c  o   i
d  u  t   o
u  r  i   n
p  e  c  a
            l


IAMFINEWILLYOUPEOPLESTOPWORRYINGOVERMESERIOUSLYIMFUCKINGFINELEAVEMEALONELETMESTAYINMYLITTLEWORLDI'MSAFEHERECAN'TYOUSEEJUSTFUCKINGLEAVEMEALONEANDLETMEDEALWITHSHITMYOWNWAY.
YOU CAN'T JUST SHOVE POINTY NEEDLES IN MY EYES AND ASK ME WHAT I SEE!

I have to go back to school again on Wednesday. I'm not sure whether I want to, or not. The idea is scary...particularly when i'm being The-De-Barked-One, again. And with everyone wanting to offer sympathy about Father... it's not a welcoming thought. But also, I'm getting quite sick of lazing around all day, and perhaps the routine will set some structure into my life again.
[Either that or it will make everything grey, again]

Either way, i'm in for a helluva fight.

--How do you live when your mind has become the enemy?
(Can one truly fight themself?)
Where do you go when the world has turned it's back on you?
(Or did you turn your back on the world?)
What do you do when there's nowhere left to turn?
(Do you remain inside yourself?)--

Food: Blech. I binged all weekend. Today i've had a bowl of my mom's apple crisp, 1/4 egg roll, and a glass of pink lemonade, EDIT: and a taco from TacoTime, all at other's request.  [Fuck, why do I always have to do what others ask?]
Injuries: None today. 56 on my arm from yesterday, though. And plenty of half-healed ones on my legs. EDIT: 15 on my arm, light.