Crash and burn

"When did the cogs of fate begin to turn?
Perhaps it is impossible to grasp the answer now,
From deep within the flow of time...

But, for a certainty, back then,
We loved so many, yet hated so much,
We hurt others and were hurt ourselves...

Yet even then, we ran like the wind,
Whilst our laughter echoed,
Under cerulean skies..."       

It's amazing how people change over the years... I mean, change is natural. Everything and everyone changes. That's life. But often the changes are so small you don't notice them. But when you look back, you realise you're a completely different person.

There was this girl I used to be friends with. We'll call her Angel. We were complete opposites... she was quiet, I was loud. She was girly, I was a tomboy. Yet, in the true style of children, we became good friends. She lived down the street from me, and I'd go see her everyday. We made these stupid little recordings. We played with the toys at her house and the cats at mine. I helped her sell girl-guide cookies, she helped me fund-raise for other things.
One day, I found out she was moving.
I was upset, of course. Not devastated, but, definitely upset. For about a year I lost contact with her. Then one day I got a phone call. She was so difficult to hear - she was still the same quiet Angel. But, it was her. We commenced writing letters to each other, old skool! Now, I had a pen pal. We kept each other updated on our lives. The envelopes for our letters were always brightly coloured and decorated. There were long periods where I didn't hear from her. She moved around more than anyone else I've ever known.
She had a hard time with school. Being shy, she was easy pickin's for bullies. In one letter to me, when we were about 12, she said she was starting to get into some drugs, that she was having a hard time coping. "But don't worry, I'm fine." she said.
After that, she moved again, and I didn't hear from her for years.
A while ago, I reconnected with her via facebook. It seems we've both come a long way since. She got into drugs... got a major cocaine addiction. Was locked up in an institution, and escaped. Got sent back, and got let out. Thought a lot about suicide, but she kept going. Did some prostitution in order to get drugs, and to hitchhike. She's definitely got some issues of her own. "...and now they are saying I have a psychosis, which I think is bull shit but whatever. I'm perfectly sane- don't worry. Lol."

It's scary how much she's gone through, how much she's changed from that sweet, quiet little girl. In many ways she's still the same... but she's gone through so much.

I wonder if this is a normal thing. You see people that seem completely fine... but everybody has their issues, they just hide them better. Maybe you have to go through hell to get to your stable life. Perhaps everyone goes through this. The ones who have the strength to carry on get through it, and the ones that can't, don't. They die.

Angel isn't the only person I can think of that's changed in this way. Hell, take me, for example. I've changed so much, particularly in the past year, it's not even funny.

Dea was my best friend for five years. She was always bossy and insecure, but, she was my friend. She was goofy to the point of just plain-out weird... we were the class misfits. Her, me, and Hanners. Eventually I got sick of her controlling bullshit and "divorced her as my friend". I haven't had much contact with her since then, and that was six years ago. But, from what I've seen... she's grown into her intelligence more, but, still has that insecurity. By grade eight she was a pothead. She found herself a boyfriend that she loved, but dropped out of school. In grade 10, she had her child. Now she's back in school again.
I used to harbor a lot of resentment towards her, but, not anymore. I'm not saying I want to go out and be friends with her again, because, that ship has sailed, and I think she would annoy me. And I suppose, thinking back, it's no surprise how she ended up - with the way she was raised, she could have gotten much worse. It's just strange to look at her and see who she is now.

Even those happy with their life, like Hannelore... she's changed. She's gotten more control over herself, gotten more mature, dealt with anxiety and OCD. Learned to cope with it, and with her muscles. But she's so different from the little girl she used to be. Sure, she's still Hanners... the same Hanners that told on us and got us in trouble when we were going to steal her older sisters bra and bring it to her class. The same Hanners, that, upon meeting my Dad for the first time, blurted out "Ilikeyourcaritsgreen"

Nobody stays the same person as they were. Everyone is always changing; evolving. But still... what changes a person? Is it their base nature? Does that change? Are some more prone to extreme change than others?
What causes this - base nature, what happens to them, who they know? All of the above?
Do you have to change for the worse to change for the better? Is there such thing as changing for the worse, or is it all gray area. [Is there right or wrong decisions, or is a choice in itself impossible to be good or bad?]

It's a strange thought. I wonder what would have happened had things been different. What if Angel hadn't moved? What if I stayed friends with Dea? What if I never met some people? What if I never made the choice to start fucking my life up? What if Hannelore died as a baby when she had that seizure? What if, what if, what if, what if.... People say "what if" thoughts are useless, that you can't change it and there's no point concerning yourself with what might have been. I disagree - although it does no good to become lost in these thoughts and let them take you over, used correctly they can give you a lot of insight into your future, and decision making now.

....total mindfuck.