Anyways. Hung out with Hastings yesterday... it's nice. I missed him. A lot. And I actually managed to talk to him. I'm proud of myself. [Or I would be if I was allowed to be]. But then again, he always was the one I first opened up to, first spoke again to, the only other one who knew what I was going through. So it's not really surprising. I did a lot of thinking yesterday. About a lot of things. I spent at least an hour on a picnic table on the deck, staring up at the sky, thinking. Though mostly that was because the internet was getting changed over. Otherwise I would have been at a computer screen xP </computer addict>
Today, The Counsellor wanted to know what good I got from silence. And what bad. He wanted a list. Luckily for him I had apready thought about it, and had a long ramble already saved. Though he doesn't get to read that. Not all of it. No. Sorry, entry this way is banned, detour that way ^. But enough to answer his question. I emailed it to him. Also, he asked if any time during the past week if I felt the need to cut or if I did cut.
Reasons not talking helps:
Okay, for one thing, you know how most people think in words, or pictures, or whatever? Well I think in feelings. It's odd. Like, when im remembering something, im more likely to remember what I was feeling [physically or emotionally] at the time, and I link emotions with physical feelings... there are "soft" emotions, "sharp emotions", "cold" emotions, etc. So it's hard for me to give coherant explanations for the way my brain works, and it means I have a hard time converting thoughts in my head.
Okay, for one thing, you know how most people think in words, or pictures, or whatever? Well I think in feelings. It's odd. Like, when im remembering something, im more likely to remember what I was feeling [physically or emotionally] at the time, and I link emotions with physical feelings... there are "soft" emotions, "sharp emotions", "cold" emotions, etc. So it's hard for me to give coherant explanations for the way my brain works, and it means I have a hard time converting thoughts in my head.
[also, combine at with an associative memory, and my brain gets fucked XD]
Now, that's always my primary mode of thinking. But. When im talking, my secondary mode would be in pictures, or in video clips.
When I stop talking, however, it goes to words. Which makes it a lot easier for me to think and make sense of things. It makes my thoughts a lot clearer and easier to understand. Even if I still think primarily in feelings, the change from pictures to words does make it easier. So, it makes my thoughts clearer, and makes it easier for me to think.
Also, I spend a lot of time worrying over what I say and how to say it and when and where and all that stuff. Stopping verbal communication gets rid of some of that. So that's one more thing I don't have to be worrying about. It makes me less anxious and gives me less to worry about.
As well as im always quite sensitive to what's going on around me [what people are doing, movements, people's emotions/thoughts, action around me, who and what are where , etc I notice it all. I'm always paying attention to it], and not talking, although it amplifies that, also makes it easier for me to focus, in a way
And I tend to withdraw into myself a LOT more when i'm not talking, which can be a bad thing and leads to bad things, is also useful because it means I spend a lot of time alone with myself, so it's a good time for looking inwards and figuring shit out and stuff like that. [as well as it's easier to do that because my brain is cearer from aforementioned reasons] As well as because I pick up on other people's emotions so badly [i'm like an emotional sponge, it's like I can feel their emotions radiating off them like heat sometimes] I sometimes have issues telling whether im feeling something or just picking up someone else's emotion. It makes my emotions clearer, as well.
Also, I get on a more creative kick again when i'm not talking. More drawing, writing, etc, which is a good release.
Reasons it DOESN'T help:
When i'm not talking, i'm never sure how someone will react to me. Many people get frustrated with it, or upset, or worried, or angry, or just incredibly awkward and don't know how to react. So when spending time with people, it makes me more anxious and on guard. And it makes others around me [insert negative emotion here]
Another problem with it is I can't talk, even if I wanted to. If it was a choice it would be fine, but not being able to is....frustrting, to say the least. I get upset because I can't talk, angry and frustrated with myself, worried/anxious/stressed. So it actually makes my stress level go up. And when I really want to talk, or I want to say something but it's really long to write out, it's annoying because it does make communication difficult.
And although withdrawing into myself can be a good thing because I can really examine myself and figure shit out, it's a bad thing as well because I bottle things up more and don't feel as close to people, and don't have as much of a healthy release.
Anyways, yeah. There's more, but I don't feel like typing it out right now.
I can't even decide what is a good day or what's a bad day. It's constant "cookie dough"... the term for a huge mix of emotions. And yes, I know that's normal, but i'm not used to it. And it's, like, extreme cookie dough. [EXTREME COOKIE DOUGH. That'd be a good flavour of ice cream. XD]. I think it's not going to school that's making everything so up-and-down, rather than constant detachment. School makes everything grey. Not going makes it more up-and-down, more emotional extremes [including - perhaps mostly - negative ones] and less detachment. It makes the days better and the nights worse.
Anyways, that's all for now, though i'll probably rant more later.
And I just want to say to someone out there [you know who you are] I wish so much I could rant about you on my blog like you have on yours. I wish there was words to say. Just, I love you. <3333
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Food: A buttered scone and a banana. And an iced capp. I fail. For eating too much. And simultaniously not enough. But mostly blargh. If I didn't have to ride tonight I wouldn't have eaten at all.
Injuries: I don't know how many. Probably around 200. From yesterday.
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