Okay. So, i'm fucked. My brain is fucked. Everything is, just....fucked.
The derealization has gotten SO bad. Nothing feels real. I just go through the day. Time goes by and I miss so much of it. I can't remember what I did half the days, because I wasn't paying attention. I keep going through the day with a feeling of waiting. I've seemed to always have had that feeling. Waiting. For what, I don't know. But it always feels like i'm just doing something until something else comes along. It's always been that way, but more so the past year. Like, everything, no matter what, is just "for now". I'm not sure what comes after "for now". Death? It wouldn't surprise me. Sometimes I wonder if that's why I tried to kill myself, really. If I just couldn't deal with the waiting. I got restless and fed up.
Oh, that's another thing. The past month or so, the suicidal thoughts are back. But that's okay, i've got my lifeline this time <3
The urge to cut has gotten SO bad. On saturday I sat there for a half an hour, with a razor in my hand. Ari stopped me. <3 [Yes, you did, even if you didn't know it.].
"Even of your heart is broken, so torn you can’t see it ever being whole, I’ll give you mine because it’s the same way, one half. We’ll have a complete heart again, and start to breathe air like we used to. I’ll put my scars next to yours and we’ll be reading the most beautiful words we’ve ever read then, even if we can’t understand their language." <3
Sunday, the urge was so overwhelming that for a bit I completely lost it and forgot where I was and zoned completely out. I'm not sure what happened, or if I was responsive or not. But the derealization got that bad, and I just... it's all I could think about. My eyes were open and I wasn't seeing what was around me.
I gave the razor I kept in my bag and the lighter that's there too, to Sol, because I didn't trust myself having them right there. I regret it now. I want them back. But, seeing it then, was almost too much. I took it in my hand to give it to him, and... i'm not sure what happened. It was like it was calling to me. Literally. I saw it and went mad. I saw myself take it. I saw the glint of metal as I brought it to my skin and blood poured out. Even though I was right in front of Sol. I saw it happen. But when I came to my senses and looked down at my hand, it was still there, and then dropped from my hand to Sol's. I don't understand.
This scares the SHIT out of me. I'm actually losing it. Time just passes and I lose myself in it. And half the time i'm not aware of what's going on around me. Well, I am, i'm hypersensitive, but things are a blur. Last night I layed down in bed to go to sleep, was about to turn the light off....zoned out into thought....and the next thing I realised, it was over an hour later. I didn't fall asleep, I just... zoned out, completely. It's fucking scary.
Not only do I feel out of touch with reality and the world in general, I feel out of touch with everyone. Out of all my rl-friends, Hanners and Sol are the only ones that have even bothered to keep in contact. And somewhat Cane, but, not really. It's like I don't exist or matter to them, anymore. There was a party saturday and I wasn't invited. Cloud was supposed to hang out a few weeks ago [I think? Or maybe it was last weekend. I don't remember.] and she never showed. I waited around for an hour and a half, and she never showed, and never contacted me or Hannelore to tell me she wasn't coming. And I know that's what she does, she doesn't confront, she avoids. Nobody wants to talk to, or spend time with, a fucked up Tigre who won't speak and doesn't fit "in the group" anymore.
I don't feel like I should be doing as well as I am. I feel the need to sabotage it. To "mess up" on purpose, just so that I wouldn't be doing so well at this. In fact, I don't want to do this. To get better. I feel...unfinished. Like i'm stopping halfway through. I didn't hit rock bottom, I didn't push myself to my very limits, so I feel like i'm leaving a project half done. I hate leaving something half done. Particularly something i'm so obsessed with. But I have to do this, I have to actually try, I have to keep going. For Ari. I have to do this.
This morning, I didn't want to get out of bed. I just wanted to lie there, in my cave of covers, and let the world pass me by. I was awake, but I didn't want to be. And it doesnt matter anyways, I could quite easily just let myself lie there, zone out, let the day pass by without even getting out of bed. Just sleep forever, or at least until things were "better". As if sleeping could make them better. Does time even pass when you sleep? It's the strangest feeling. You know time must have gone by, but it doesnt feel like it, it's like the world stopped until you woke up. Napping in the day really confuses me and messes me up, which is why I generally avoid it. Not that I can ususally sleep during the day anyways.
Saturday/Day Three:
Breakfast: An everything bagel, butter.
Lunch: A cheese sandwhich on whole wheat bread with tomato, lettuce, mayo, and red pepper jelly.
Dinner: Chicken and wedge fries from western foots. Essentially, fat and grease. Urgh. I wanted to have a salad.
Other: A few glasses of juice [orange punch] and pie and cookies and pop. Urgh, minor binge. D:<
Harm: None.
Excersize: None.
Sunday/Day Four:
Breakfast: A cold mini pizza, left over from friday.
Lunch: Same as yesterday.
Dinner: Six baby carrots and a small amount of dip.
Other: A few glasses of juice, and two halloween chocolates. [A mini KitKat bar, and a mini Aero bar.]
Harm: None. Except in my head.
Excersize: Yoga.
Monday/Day Five:
Breakfast: An everything bagel, butter, One Equate Women's Formula Multivitamin, One Vit. D-3. [I'm going to try to remember to take vitamins again. Hopefully that will help even out my eating.]
Lunch: A small bowl of canteloupe.
Dinner: Squash and apple soup with homemade baking-powder biscuits. Yummmm.
Other: Juice, a small bowl of cereal and yogurt. [Frosted Flakes [D:< They were the only type we had] and strawberry-vanilla yogurt.], two mandarin oranges, an apple, banana-chocolate cream pie, double chocolate cookies. I started to binge, but I stopped myself. :]
Harm: None.
Excersize: None.
Wow, I ate a lot today. And it wasn't in a binge! =O
Days without skipping meals or bingeing: 2.
Days without cutting: 5.
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