Monsters

I've always had this analogy for my situation. The monsters are trying to eat me, and the only way to get them away is to lock myself up and break my mind and destroy my body.

For whatever reason [I have a few ideas as to why, but im not sure yet], I began digging a hole to escape my monsters. They surrounded the top of the hole, watching, waiting. So I dug faster, deeper, faster, deeper. But I didn't support it, I had nothing to support it with. So as I got deeper, the hole began to collapse, threatening to either bury me, or to refill the hole and bring me to the monsters, who were just waiting. I kept digging even faster and more furiously, hoping to come out in China. Away from them. But I realised that I would only melt in the magma of the earth's core; I would never make it.

So I abandoned that plan. Rather than melt and die in the magma [though I came close] I built a fortress underground, right next to the magma. Made of a special kind of glass. I locked myself in it. But the monsters found their way down to it, and began to tear apart my beloved glass prison. Cornered, I need to keep fixing it, lest they break in. If they get in, they will eat me alive.

So I take a piece of my mind, and use blood to glue it to the splintered, shattered glass, fixing the hole that the monsters created. On the floor of my glass fortress, prison, is the bloody, sharp-edged pieces of my mind. I am safe in there, despite breaking apart my mind and ruining my body, to keep them from being completely destroyed and eaten by my monsters.

So now i'm locked inside there, alone, with only my own insanity for company, in that timeless half-shattered "castle", forced to keep it up to keep the monsters away yet damaging myself in the process.

Occasionally someone comes along and keeps some of the monsters at bay and lets some light in with some tunnels of their own.

But they can't get inside my fortress. My prison.

The edges are sharp, and if they so much as touch on it they'll get cut. And I can't let them try to help me, because the monsters will come back and then they'll get caught inbetween jagged, sharp, pointed, bloodied glass, or monsters that will eat them and their soul alive.

I think i've realised something. Maybe not on an emotional level, but at least on a logical level so i'm not in so much denial.

This doesn't keep the monsters away.

It IS the monster. It's an intelligent monster, manipulating me because it needs me to survive.

Ari once told me that she needs to feed her monster pieces of her body, otherwise it will just take her mind. But Ari, Hon, it's already trying to steal your brain, you just can't see it.