I hate it when something's obviously going on, and I don't know what it is. I hate not knowing what's wrong and not being able to do anything but sit and wait.
I've been really all over the place emotionally recently. Today's no exception. It's weird to have up and down emotions yet still have dissociation and/or derealization going on. I mean, most of the time I feel like a character in a novel or film. I'm just acting it out. Sometimes I even catch myself narrating my actions and those of the people around me in my head, like it's just a story. I don't feel real. But even more so recently, and with emotions going all over the place... it's weird.
I don't like it.
I want to cut.
Breakfast: A bagel with light cream cheese and cheese.
Lunch: A muffin roughly the size of a golf ball, an apple.
Dinner: Chicken salad sandwich
Other: Crackers, iced cream
Excersize: Cleaning paddocks - 4 hrs.
Harm: None.
Days eating properly: 1
Days without harming: 9
Also, when I realize I'm only being hyper as a defense mechanism, I should NOT realize it, then let myself come down from it. I should stay oblivious to why and stay like that till I go to bed.
Just sayin'.
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