I want to cut. I want to burn. I want to starve. I want to binge. I want to binge and then purge. I want to take a load of pills. I went to mess myself up in whatever way possible.
Why?
No reason.
Just, fuck recovery. That's what I want to do. I want to stop fighting. I want to feel it. I want to not feel anything. I want to be sick. I want to push myself to my very limits. I want to retract into my own little world of pain and forget everything else. Fuck the world. Fuck everyone.
FUCK IT ALL.
FUCK RECOVERY.
I want to take a razor and race it across my flesh, down through layers of flesh. I want to watch the red inside flow up to the outside and run down my skin, leaving it stained crimson. I want to feel the stinging of it, feel the tickling of blood running down skin, the look of skin opened more than it should be. I want to turn myself inside out, feel the pain and see the blood. I want to see shiny metal stained red and brown. I want to have to sit there and clean up white-turned-red.
I want to take something hot and press it into my skin. I want to see my skin turn red and a painful, tingling sensation race through my body. I want to see flame, to tempt it with my body. To feel the striking heat, feel it move through my entire body.
I want to go to the kitchen and eat everything inside. To feel my stomach swell and ache from the food. To push myself into having more in my body than it should. To feel so bloated I feel like i'm going to explode. To barely be able to move from the weight of it. Then I want to go to the bathroom and puke it up. Even if it doesn't all get out, I want to make the effort, I want to mess myself up. Then I want to go swallow a ton of tylenol and feel sick and tired, but force myself into staying up. I want to starve. I want to feel the dizziness and pain of hunger. I want to stop every morsel of food from passing through my lips.
I want to push myself to my limits.
To bring myself DOWN.
But I can't do that. I can't do that to Ari. I promised to at least try to get better. I can mess up as long as I really try not to, and I can't lie to myself and tell myself that I tried, because if I do, I didn't. If I can write it all out, I have enough brain power to stop myself. I have to be strong. Even - or more like particularly - if she's struggling. I have to be strong, for her. I have to stick to this, otherwise this will be for nothing, i'll just let myself get away with more and more and go more downhill. This is not comfort or safety or control. It's not my life. It's not me. And I can't be that selfish and do that to Ari. [it's not selfish when she does it to me, but it is when I do it to her...?] I just can't do it. I won't. I REFUSE. NO.
Ari, I love you. Thanks for stopping me. <3
I know that feeling, that used to happen to me allllll the time. But as you said, you have Ari, and you can't do that to her and also to yourself...it's not just a matter of being selfish, think about it this way: if you stay strong and don't let that part of yourself bring you down, not only you help Ari, but also yourself, so you two have more chances of actually meeting soon :) & also, you can be there for each other, to stop each other when you have to, & just to love and support each other every day. that's such a great blessing you both have! you're both extremely lucky: love is what makes you strong in times like these, it's the only positive feeling you can hold on to (or at least it was for me). so never forget who you are, never forget there's someone who thinks you are beautiful & amazing just the way you are, & never EVER forget how loved you are. hold on to that, be there for each other..it's the only way to try and keep fighting.
ReplyDeletestay strong <3
maia
Thanks Maia. You're very right. <3
ReplyDelete