Crash and burn

I feel so fucking depressed. Just...just sad. Drained.

I love Christmas. I love seeing family and all the pretty lights and food and music and decorating and colours and everything. It's my absolute favourite time of year.
...I'm dreading it.
It's not going to be the same. Dad's gone, so that's one thing right there... I can't even make an effort to get along with him, because he's not here to make an effort for. I've always looked forward to seeing The Brother, but my relationship's basically ruined. If I'm not talking by then, that'll wreck things too. Not to mention I just don't feel like hanging sparkly things and singing and pretending everything's alright. Fuck that. It's stupid. I don't want to see family. I don't want to get gifts. I don't want to give gifts. I don't want to hear pretty Christmas music. I don't want to be expected to pig out on delicious food. I don't want to paint on a smile and pretend everything's alright.

I'm just so fucking sad right now. I know how pathetic and emo this sounds, but I need to get it off my chest. I just feel so...asidohysefgvbcnlkzsjcioasduhysuidvbh. I want to cry. I do but I don't. I want to cut or burn or do SOMETHING to make myself feel better, but even that just feels.....ehh. I don't even have the motivation to do that. [And that's aside from the fact that I can't do that to Ari]

I just feel terrible. There's this constricted, pained feeling in my chest. I'm seriously about to cry. Why? No reason other than I feel like fucking shit.

I just want to escape. To fall asleep for a long, long time and wake up when everything is somehow perfect. I don't care how impossible that is. I'm already floating through life anyways, so who cares. I mean, really. I'm not here. Not really. This is all just a story. I don't exist. None of this does.

Fuck. This. Bullshit.