Day Eleven

I spoke. To Mom. I'm freaking out majorly over this. I'm not sure why - it's just words, right? And not even particularly special ones. Just "Good morning". But to me, it feels like everything. Even if I did force myself into it and I did want to... it feels like I lost control. Like it just slipped out. Even though I know that's not true. And how am I supposed to keep that up? Do I have to talk now? What if she thinks that because I talked once, i'm being silent because I choose to be? What if it gets out and i'm expected to talk to everyone? What if i'm getting better? What if it gets easier? What if I have to start talking again, and thus, dealing? What if it means I have to have responsibilities again? What if people think that i'm just being a controlling bitch by not talking, not that I can't? WHATIFWHATIFWHATIFWHATIFOHFUCKFUCKFUCKOHFUCK.
Those are just a few of the thoughts going through my head. But mostly it's "OHFUCK" and shaking. And attempting to breathe normally.

I can't help but worry about Ari. I know she can do this, but, i'm so used to talking to her all day nearly every day, that talking to her maybe once a day for a few minutes really freaks me out. Particularly when I can feel that she's not doing so well. It's like she's in the room and i'm picking up on her emotions like I do others, but, she's not actually here. And I can feel when something goes really wrong, when something bad happens. I get this sudden sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach and all I can think of is "Oh fuck, Ari." I don't mind, at all, but it still worries me. Not being able to talk to her worries me.

I wish my positive headspace had carried over into today. It would have been useful.

Breakfast:  Everything bagel with butter, glass of orange juice.
Lunch: Minor Binge.
Dinner: Pasta
Other: Glass of pineapple juice, chips, cookies. Minor binge. I don't know if that counts or not. Does a minor binge count as not eating properly? Does skipping a single meal count? They're only half as bad but they're still bad. Sdfsdfhisudhf I don't know.
Excersize: None.
Harm: None.

Days eating properly: 2 [?]
Days without self-harming: 4.