LOL

1. "I forgot the safe word."
2. "I had sex with a porcupine."
3. "I had sex with Edward Scissorhands."
4. "Zombies."
5. "Fight to the death with a lawnmower. I won."
6. "Rough sex."
7. "I got stuck at the grand opening of the new magnet shop in town. Shame they put it opposite a knife store."
8. "A dozen knives dropped from the sky onto me."
9. "I tried to jack off with a blackberry bush and it got out of control."
10. "I ran too close to an erupting volcano to save a kitten. [for burns]"
11. "I fought in the gulf war."
12. "I had sex with a hedgehog."
13. "papercut."
14. "I was in a very violent wizarding duel."
15. Person: "What happened to your [insert body part]?" You: "...What?'' Person: "It's covered in scars." You: "...What? </gives weird look> No, they're not. Are you feeling alright...?"
16. "I got into a knife fight with a shark."
17. "Went in for bloodwork. They gave me the student nurse..."
18. "I'm a croc hunter, mate."