Crash and burn

"Have you gained weight? You look like you have. See, your jeans are stretching more there."
She points and I look. It's true. I have. Look how fat I am. Sobbling treetrunk thighs and overhanging, pregnant stomach and fatfatfatfatfat.

I'm freaking out. What do I eat? I've been trying to eat normally or properly or whatever but I don't even know what that is. So I try to eat when I'm hungry, enough to fill me up. But what's full? I don't know anymore, I feel both full and unsatisfied after everything I eat. And I'm not even sure what hunger is. I only feel it when I'm at oh-my-gawd-i'm-going-to-pass-out level of hungry. So I try to go off of other body signals - when I get lethargic and sort of ew-feeling. But maybe that's all in my mind, or I'm just tired, or I'm just bored. Do I need to eat less? Is this what that means? I haven't really been exercising, so maybe I'm eating too much for my activity level. I need to eat less, maybe. But what if I get stuck in a starve/binge cycle? [again? still?] I don't want that. I don't know what to do what do I do what do i do whatdoidowhatdoido.

As I'm writing this, I have to close the window because she comes over to talk to me.
"Are you still on your period?"
"...no?"
"Why is there blood in the toilet?"
Crap. Earlier when I cut I cleaned it with some wet kleenex and tossed it into the toilet to flush it so she wouldn't see it in the garbage. I must have forgotten to flush it.
It only takes me a moment to come up with an answer.
"The cat scratched me." I point to the Tabby. "See?" I point to a scratch on my hand from where I accidentally scraped it at the barn the day before.
"Aww, ouch! Why'd he do that?"
"I was trying to pick him up." I laugh at myself, the way I normally would when I do something silly that I know better than to do.
"Oh, it's time to trim their nails now, is it?"
"Oh. No, I think he was just trying to scratch at me, that's why."
"Oh, okay."

She then asks if I'm hungry. I'm not sure. Am I hungry? am i hungry?
amihungryamifullwhatishungryanywayswhatdoisay.
"No, I ate dinner a little while ago."

Breakfast: 1/3 cup homemade oatmeal.
Lunch: Microwave-dinner pasta
Dinner: Skipped.
Other: Smoothie, popcorn, cheese and crackers.
Exercise: None
Harm: 'Fuckup', 'Fat'.