Seventy-Six

Made a wrong turn
Once or twice
Dug my way out
Blood and fire
Bad decisions
That's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated this place
Misunderstood
Miss knowing it's all good
It didnt slow me down.

Mistaking
Always second guessing
Underestimating
Look I'm still around

Breakfast: I've been up for two hours and haven't eaten yet. Hmm. Don't really feel hungry, though I normally would by now.  One apple.
Lunch: Two mandarin oranges
Dinner: A massive salad
Other: Tea, juice. BINGE.
Exercise: Riding Lesson, some walking.
Harm: I really want to cut on my arm again, to 'fix' it. The perfectionist side of me says that I didn't do it 'right'. Needs to be deeper. Proper. Feel like I left it unfinished. Feel fake. 3. Still shallow.

I'm letting myself slip. This isn't good. Need to get back that determination. Gotta really, REALLY try.

I've been doing some thinking, and I may have come up with something.

I've noticed that whenever I eat over what I'm comfortable with, or what I think is good, I binge. [Even if that amount is unreasonable]. It's normally a loss of control thing when I binge, but I think there's another reason, too. If I eat too much then I have to binge. Because then I'm not being a fatass, it's the 'eating disorder' [haha, yeah, right]. It's not just me being fat. It's not me being a pig. At least if I binge then I can feel like I properly failed and just need to pick myself up again. But if I just eat JUST too much, then I'm just being a pig. And I can't have an eating disorder, or anything wrong with me, then. No, then I'm just a perfectly fine person who eats too much. Just a F.A.T.A.S.S..P.I.G. A fake. With nothing wrong, or at least no eating issues. But if I binge, then even if it's still my own fucking fault and I'm still eating too much and being disgusting, I can at least reassure myself that it's because there's something wrong with me. And that's almost reassuring. Better to be fucked up and self destructive than just a plain pig.

When you're on the outside baby and you can't get in
I will show you, you're so much better than you know
When you're lost and you're alone and you cant get back again
I will find you darling and I will bring you home