Seventy-Four

Worried about Ari =/ She'll be fine though. She's strong and amazing enough to pull through this.

There'll be a bump and there will be a bruise
There'll be alarms and there will be a snooze
There'll be a path that you will have to choose
There'll be a win and there will be a lose and

You gotta hold your head up high and
Watch all the negative go by
Don't ever be ashamed to cry
You go ahead
Cause life's like a jump rope

Up down
Up down
Up down
Up down yeah
It will get hard
Remember life's like a jump rope

I really want to cut today. I keep thinking about it like it won't matter if I do or not. But then I have to remind myself that No, if I get into that mindset it is too easy to go downhill again, and I want to get better.
I think the reason I want to so bad is because I know that my riding instructor is going to be angry at my today. And if I hurt myself, then she can't hurt me. I don't know if that makes sense or not. Then again, I'm never sure if most of what I say makes sense, so who cares. It makes sense in my mind and that's all that matters. If I hurt myself then she can't hurt me.

And now nobody can hurt me on the inside. I have this trick—anything you can do to me, I do to myself already. And I hit harder than you ever could.

Breakfast: Bagel w/cream cheese.
Lunch: Another bagel. Woo, variety.
Dinner: Chicken vegetable soup, grilled cheese sandwich
Other: Binge. Again. Fuck.
Exercise: Walking.
Harm [day 15]: None

Delay the hurtful words
Of complicated overcast
Please take the message that I'm
Picking up my chin at last
I said my confidence
It gets stronger when you're next to me
But we pray from miles away
In quest for what we long to be

I might crumble, I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
(Still missing you)
I might crumble, I might take a fall again
But you're my everlasting friend
Everlasting friend

Also, I'm super proud of Ari. <3