Eighty-Five

I can't shake this feeling of BAD. Not depression, or anger, or self-hate, or even just emotional pain. Just...bad. Wrongness. It's underlaying everything and I can't get rid of it. It's like a buzzing in the back of my head, a not-quite-right feeling in my gut. I don't know how to explain it. It's almost like that dread feeling when you know something bad is going to happen, but it's... different. A more softer emotion. It both worries and bothers me. I was thinking it might be something I'm picking up from Ari...and that's definitely possible. But I don't know, it feels like something more. Maybe it's just that combining with my own emotions.

I, just, feel...off. Bad. Uneasy. Like something's going on that I don't know about. Something that's going to be terrible when it does blow up.

Also, I'm starting to think I might have Binge Eating Disoder. I've been bingeing and lot recently and just eating a lot. And I haven't been doing anything to get rid of it. I do not like this. I've mostly been eating when other people aren't here, or are in bed. And eating much more than I am comfortable with. Today my mom asked me if I was alright, saying she'd noticed me eating a bit less. Less?! That shocked me, until I realized that she hasn't been seeing me eat. And I did have a hard time with dinner last night, as well as I skipped breakfast this morning. I think that's what prompted her to ask. If this continues [I would rather be hungry than be a fat pig] I may tell her that I'm feeling a bit 'off' in the sick kind of way. Also, I'm going to Sandi's so that might trigger a major binge. She eats a lot [she's beautiful, though] and I tend to eat a lot when I'm there :/ But she also knows Me and will understand if I eat less? I dunno.


Secret: I am often guilty as using hyperness as a mask for my true emotions.
Breakfast: Skipped
Lunch: 2 sml vegan ginger cookies, 140 mL of pepsi.
Dinner:
Other:
Exercise: Cleaning paddocks, walking.
Harm [day one? Nine?]: