Just look at yourself, can you see where you are?
Look at yourself, now you can't hide the scars
Just look at yourself 'cause there's nowhere to go
I'm freaking out. It's day ninety. In ten days it will be one hundred. 100. One Zero Zero. Cent. C.
I thought I'd be better by now. Not perfect, or even great... but, better. Showing some improvement. But what have I accomplished? I've managed to keep on existing, that's it. That's hardly something to be proud of.
I'm just sort of sitting back watching time float by. What if time just slips away, disappears with me standing outside of it waiting?
100 is 200 is 365 which is a year. In a year, I should have accomplished something. I thought I'd be better by now, I SHOULD be better by now. But I'm not.
Everything seems so far away to try for, and it's already been so long. And if I can't even keep up the motivation to TRY for this long, then how am I supposed to keep it up long enough to get better?
Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. Ohshitohshitohshitohshitohshit.
Fast I fade away, it's almost over, hold on
Slow, I suffocate, I'm cold and broken alone
It's hopeless, the end will come and wash it all away
Forsaken, I live for those I lost along the way
And I can't remember how it all began to play
I suffer, I live to fight and die another day
Hey.
ReplyDeleteThe changes in your brain that you're making will take some time. Try not to focus on the end result-that's what is causing you distress.
You do know that each time you harm yourself - your brain makes chemicals that 'satisfy' you.
So it makes sense that when you go for periods of time without doing any harm to yourself that you're going to feel "bad". You will have a sense of impending doom - or - be depressed - or be anxious - and so on. I know it can be very hard to do - but try to tell yourself - give it time - or - something to let yourself know that healing is a process. This is no different than a broken bone knitting itself back together - or - recovering from a bad accident where multiple layers of stitches were required.
Give your brain cells a chance to adjust to the way you wish to be now. By the laws of nature it cannot happen quickly. And each time you harm yourself again - it sets you back - some.
Please keep in mind - that it's normal for a person to loop back and then move forward. Although when they do - they do not go back to the beginning - they are farther along the path they wish to travel - yet there is a backwards feel to it because the brain cannot change over night. (This is from my mental health professor.)
If you watch this video - it may give you some ideas on what's going on. I learned a lot about myself and my own 'addictions' -and I am convinced all of us have some. I hope you are not offended by the term.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6BkI8LD24y0
Please don't despair. You will get through this.