Eighty-Four

It's going to suck majorly, not being able to talk to Ari. But, at least she's safe, and that helps me to worry less. [Because of course I will worry because I won't be able to talk to her. And that makes me anxious no matter what.]
I can't use this as an excuse to get worse again. [EDIT: She's home.]
Particularly with how self-destructive I've been feeling recently. I can't pinpoint a reason for it, but I really just want to...self-destruct. Destroy myself, if only a little bit. I think it's maybe to distract myself from life, and the fact that I have to live it.  Life is terrifying. Having to live it is even more so.   But here's no need to be worried about it if you're not really living anyways.Who cares about the future if you're too distracted by pain to notice? What is there to worry about if you're too busy worrying about whether you're going to pass out or not?
escapism.


Secret: I worry sometimes that when someone tells me they like me, I like them back automatically, even if I already liked them before they told me they did too.
Breakfast: 2 pieces multigrain toast w/raspberry jam.
Lunch: Medium homemade salad.
Dinner: A few mouthfuls of chinese food. I'm having a stupidly hard time eating today, for some reason.
Other: Juice, 1 cup of KD, cheese and crackers, cheese and a pepperoni stick.
Exercise: Cleaning paddocks. Instead of bussing all the way home I walked partway.
Harm [day eight]: 1. Just one. Don't know if that even counts.