Eighty.

Nights that we would just lay here repeating
Here's to another year
You can have it all
But still feel empty
So accomplished, but so broken
This empty glass is
What had hope in
This is to
What went wrong
And the right we have to feel alone


I want to give up. I made a list with Ari yesterday and I still, just... lack the enthusiasm. I'm not seeing much of a point. I know there is. But, I just, don't feel it. I need something to jumpstart my determination again. Because right now I just don't care. I know I should. I know I have reasons and things to care about and all of that. I feel torn.


Why look up
The ground is so much more pleasing
And it's where these eyes belong

My head is fighting itself but neither side is even trying very hard. It's not that I'm feeling this huge urge to self-destruct, or anything. Just...apathy. I don't care. I don't feel my reasons.


What I have become is not what I wish to be
Break my neck
I've become too accustomed to hopes, hope's cruel grasp
Progression or regression, it all ends the same
In a world devoid
Emotionless
In a life such as this, only death is certain
So why wait
Break my heart, cut my throat
When everything has ended, what have we accomplished?
Slaves by design
Break my neck

I don't know what to do. I feel pretty zombie-esque. I started to try and get better because I wanted to live, not just exist. But I don't know if that's possible. I feel like a passenger on life, an observer, watching everything go by but sitting clear of it. Even when it reaches up and smacks me across the face, I still feel like a ghost just sitting back and watching.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
You don't need air.
Take me down to the river like a little child,
Take my hand and tell me its okay to be wild.
I never knew the world until I saw through your eyes,
I never knew myself until I ripped off my disguise.


Secret: I say all i've ever wanted is happiness, and to be loved. But its not enough. I've been happy, and it's not enough. I know im loved, but, it's not enough.
Breakfast: Bagel w/butter
Lunch: Apple. Mostly purged. What the fuck is wrong with me.
Dinner: Tortilla chips w/sour cream and homemade salsa
Other: Juice, mini pizza.
Exercise: Walking
Harm [day 4]: None
I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got, what I got
Who needs air?