I am so shaken up.
Last night I had possibly the worst panic attack I've ever had. I think so. It was fucking terrifying. I was also in a very large amount of emotional pain combined with that, combined with something else... this weird humming that wouldn't go away, it felt like my head was plugged with it.
I ended up cutting. But it was...again, fucking terrifying. Usuallly when I get to that point it calms me down. But I completely lost control. Normally I'm calm and methodical and precise, but I ended up just slashing wildly at my leg. Not a huge amount of space...the side and front of my right calf. But I just kept cutting on top of cuts and it's a good thing the razor was mostly dull because otherwise they would have been pretty deep. Normally I slow down after the first little bit but I didn't stop for over a half an hour. Again, they weren't dangerously deep or anything, but I ended up covering my entire leg in blood and soaking through a t-shirt and a half. I was completely out of control. My leg was literally radiating heat from the amount of blood.
I've never lost it like that. It didn't hurt for almost two hours later. And I couldn't even clean it till this morning so I had to sleep with dried blood caked on my leg.
So not only did I have the most fucking SCARY state of mind, I also lost control a huge amount.
I've never been this shaken up or terrified about myself. About other people, okay, yeah, but not like this. I don't even know why, I had a good day.
I really hope this never happens again.
Breakfast: smoothie, toast
Lunch:
Dinner:
Other:
Exercise: some walking, not really.
Harm: Don't know how many. Don't want to count.
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