I didn't do food logs or anything for the past two days. I apologize.
I'm not sure what to type here. I feel like an update is in order, since I haven't been doing much blogging at all.
I'm slipping.
I feel tired. So goddamn exhausted. I feel like an old woman, waiting for death. I can't think of a single thing that'll happen in the next few years to look forward to. Everything just seems like one more thing I have to deal with. One more thing that's shit. One more thing that I can't bring myself to care about though I should. One more thing to dread.
Ari is pretty much my rock. My hold on life. I don't know what I'd do without her. <3 Seriously. She's the only thing that brightens up my day.
I'm very torn right now. I want to feel better, I want to reach out to someone and say "Hey, I haven't been doing so well recently. It hurts a lot. I need someone." I want help... I'd rather not need it, but I'm not sure that I don't. But at the same time I want to withdraw from everyone. From life itself, but mostly from everyone [except for Ari] that cares. I want to shut down. I say "I'm fine." and "I've been doing better." and "It's okay." I lie.
And people believe me.
Sometimes I wish someone would call me on it, and not stop or let me bullshit them. Even if I snap. Even if I hurt them.
^Stupid, selfish bitch. You know you just hurt people. That's all you ever do. That's not okay.
I want to give up on everything. Hide. Escape. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't necessarily want to die, I just don't want to do this. this.
Look at that. I, I, I, I, I,I, I. I want this, I want that. Needy, pathetic, whiney, selfish.
I honestly can't see how anyone can see anything good in me.
I hate feeling so weak. Being so weak.
I'm seriously doubting whether things will get better.
you're barely breathing, i know.
what if it's starting to show?
and i know it won't ever change,
but it hurts the same.
Hey Cat.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're feeling so tired of it all. Do you ever get the impression you're carrying the weight of the world on your back? I once told that to my counselor and he just stared at me. I have told it to others as well. "Can't you feel the agony and torment of the world?" I'd say...or "The Earth herself is groaning with the heaviness of humanity's pain". People did not know what to say... Hell I don't blame them - yet - I knew what I was talking about.
Several months ago I was introduced to this website about being an Empath. Have you seen it? This is an excerpt:
"Signs that you’re an ‘unskilled’ empath include:
* Feeling the world’s suffering on a large scale and wishing you could do something to help. Ironically, this makes you less equipped to help, because you feel overwhelmed."
http://www.psychicbutsane.com/empathy/signs-that-you%E2%80%99re-an-empath
After I read that article I began to feel better- (like I wasn't so weird ;p) - and especially once I started practicing turning off my empathy ability.
I wonder what you think about that?
Maybe you're feeling the overall negative emotions of those around you too.
Just a thought.
Do you have the ability to join a group? When I was interning I had the privilege of being able to join a Recovery International group being held weekly at the office. It was run by a nice older lady and was composed of a very diverse group of people. The methods they use work really well.
You seem more mature than some your age - so I'm wondering if you'd do better with some adults in the mix.
I found a website for you to peruse if you wish:
http://www.recoverycanada.org/meetings.php#can
I hope you get to go visit with your horse soon. I remember I used to love talking to mine while giving her a good brushing. The strokes of the brush across her silky coat was so relaxing to me. And I loved the smell of it all. Weird... I know...=)
Namaste.
I've actually done a lot of reading on empaths, I've known I am one for a year or so... it sort of runs in the family, apparently XD
ReplyDeleteI've gotten pretty good at turning my empathy off, or at least to a manageable level, but that the moment I'm pretty open and vulnerable in that way, because I noticed that I can't work on myself while shutting it off.
Some of it, I'm sure, is others' emotions, but I'm also quite sure that the majority of it is mine.
But I know what you're talking about.
I don't think there really are any groups around, and I'm not keen on the idea of joinging one, anyways.
Pfft. If that makes you weird, so am I. xD